A decade or so ago, I had the privilege of working in a mental health capacity in a dedicated and genuine Christian environment. During that time, I met hundreds of patients, and many of them, unable to contain their distress, spilled forth their stories in the waiting room outside the specialist’s rooms.  The waiting room also doubled as my office, where I handled clerical and administrative tasks. Anguished people shared their narratives, their issues, their hopes and dreams, but mostly, their pain. Tears fell, anger overflowed, and acute anxiety presented in nervous gestures and body language. I respect and value every single one of them and will therefore not be sharing the specifics of their stories here.

I can, however, share the insights I gained during my conversations with these wounded people. I formed warm relationships with many of them as they sat in my small office. Hardly able to contain their emotions, many opened up and divulged painful aspects of their stories while I handed out tissues, glasses of water and a listening ear. I’ll forever be grateful for their trust and for what they’ve taught me about life, love and learning.

In itself, faith in God is not to blame.  True faith sustains and strengthens us. But in the hands of abusers and narcissists, religious beliefs are wielded to manipulate, control and dominate vulnerable people through fear. To them, religion is a golden tower behind which they hide their dark, shadowy side; standing firmly behind that golden tower while they whip you with out of context scriptures and arcane, patriarchal tactics designed to keep you downtrodden. That which God intended to give you freedom is used to oppress you. These deeply flawed and sometimes plainly false Christians tend to hold you to unattainable standards of spiritual and moral perfection, leaving you feeling insecure and inadequate. As soon as they perceive that growing vulnerability, which they’ve carefully cultivated in you, they’ll home in on it and use it against you at every turn.

It goes without saying that the lofty standards they hold you too are not applied to themselves. The belief that they are above that…above you…is an aspect of their delusional thinking. If you’re unlucky enough to encounter a true narcissist, you’ll find their delusions of grandeur know no bounds and have no basis in rational standards of reality. Put simply, their faults are many, but they are blind to every single one of them.

Let’s look at that much-quoted and misrepresented biblical admonition for wives to submit to their husbands. This is, of course, a misogynistic favourite. It’s all too easy to wield it over the heads of women who desire, with all their hearts, to live according to God’s word. ‘Submit!’ shouts the priest from the pulpit, shaking his fist at a sea of bowed feminine heads. ‘Submit!’ bellows the controlling husband, waving the holy book in front of his wife’s tearful face. ‘Submit!’ order the religious texts that have been translated by those ignorant of the nuances of ancient language and translation.

Submit…a six-letter word that has been used to strike fear into the hearts of millions of women for thousands of years.

What does it really mean?

Its original meaning is simple and beautiful. The word submit can be best translated from its original language as ‘lift up’. We are to lift up our husbands to encourage them, and to give them comfort and support. We are, of course, to always lift them up in prayer. But there’s another aspect to consider, one that is rarely spoken about. It’s this. We are to lift up our husbands by helping them to stay on that narrow path God calls us to follow; and that means we are to correct them, albeit respectfully, when they stray from that path, and help guide them back to the light, if you will. That means saying ‘no’ sometimes; disagreeing; insisting on respectful and loving treatment and objecting when they become too steeped in the things of this world. Ah yes, that’s something narcissists don’t want to hear. In fact, it’s difficult enough for any man, indoctrinated as they are by the predominant patriarchal norms.

All too often, the command for women to submit is interpreted to mean that women must meekly obey, keep their thoughts to themselves and never hold their spouses accountable. But God loves His daughters just as He loves His sons. He doesn’t want a single daughter of His to be oppressed or harmed in any way, particularly by a spouse who is meant to protect and love her. And not only love her but love her as Christ loves the Church.

That’s a ‘wow’ moment right there. Christ lay down His life for us, His church. He was beaten, persecuted, tormented, humiliated, hounded and finally crucified in the most vile and excruciating manner…for us. God’s command to husbands that they love their wives as Christ loves the Church is a tall order. A huge responsibility that frankly, no man can ever achieve. But they must try.

I think any woman who is loved so immeasurably, would gladly lift up and support her husband. Yes, I could definitely submit to that.

Another often-overlooked biblical passage tells us we are to submit one to another. Yes, husbands must uplift their wives also. It’s worth noting too, that the instruction to submit is specifically meant for husbands and wives. It does not imply that all women are meant to submit to all men; or vice versa. In a church setting however, I have often struck the overarching attitude of male dominance and female submission that goes beyond the marital relationship. Women are expected to put all men first; to listen to and obey the instructions from any number of male church leaders, both ordained and secular.

I have witnessed many genuinely pious women, intelligent women, creative, talented and kind women; their shoulders hunched and eyes cast down, entering therapy rooms. After years of ‘submitting’ (in the wrong sense of the word) to controlling husbands, waiting for God to intervene and mend their marriages and their hearts, they come to a Christian counsellor for instruction. Those who walk through the door of a Christian counsellor who is well versed in the true meaning of submission, are lucky indeed. To encounter a therapist with an educated understanding of scripture and a rich, deep faith, can bring about deep healing over time. I have witnessed previously downtrodden women leave each session with their heads held a little higher, their lips upturned in the tentative beginnings of a smile. It was a pleasure and a privilege to watch them blossom as they gained confidence and learned to become the women God intended them to be. Sometimes, that meant the end of their marriages, a possibility they once believed God would never condone.

But trust me, God does not condone abuse.

But the bible says God hates divorce, doesn’t it? Well, yes, it does…sort of.

In fact, the word divorce turns up in the scriptures a number of times, in both the old and new testaments and in different contexts. These contexts are important, as are the nuances of language and the difficulties of translation. Ancient Hebrew and Aramaic (the language Yeshua spoke) cannot easily be translated directly into English. Translating first into Greek, as most of the early scriptures were, adds another layer of complexity. There can be several degrees of separation between the original meanings and contexts of words and phrases, and their current meanings and contexts.

The word divorce is a perfect example. In Matthew 19, for instance, it is made clear that a man is not to ‘put away’ one wife and marry another. In modern texts, this ‘putting away’ is translated as ‘divorce’. Seems clear enough at first reading, doesn’t it? But let’s look further.

What does to ‘put away’ really mean? Wisdom dictates that it means much more than to separate physically from a woman, or to instigate legal proceedings for divorce. A man can put a woman away from him by a thousand emotional and psychological cuts. (Please note that in the author’s opinion, a woman can do exactly the same thing but these women are not as easily excused in religious circles.) Words have the power of life and death over the human spirit; they can be wielded like a sword. In a spiritual sense, words can be used to murder. If a man and a woman become one – a unity in spirit – and yet one of them severs that unity with a spiritual weapon, is this not putting that person away from them in the most brutal manner?

This then, is what God truly hates. In His eyes, divorce has already taken place at the severing of the spiritual and emotional bond between a man and a woman; a bond that is meant to be both tender and strong; a bond that is meant to fulfill a higher purpose.

Abuse (not only physical and sexual abuse but psychological/emotional abuse, too) severs that bond. From a spiritual perspective, there is no difference. Yet the Church frequently teaches us the contrary. And so domestic violence in all its forms is aided and abetted by religion, despite God Himself prohibiting it in no uncertain terms.
Read more at Narcissistic Religious Abuse Tactics.

One of the most disturbing phenomena occurring within church circles, and which receives no press, is the tendency to alienate women who’ve made the decision to leave abusive husbands, after years of cruelty.  Far too often, I’ve witnessed these women being ousted from their spiritual families, cut off and deprived of spiritual and emotional support. Quite literally, they’ve been told they’re no longer welcome in the church ‘family’. Their spouses, however…men…remain safely cloistered within patriarchal circles. Their spiritual lives don’t miss a beat. Their friends and mentors don’t drop away. For women – hurting, abused and used women – the story is different. They find themselves alone and friendless, carrying all the guilt and shame the church ‘fathers’ have foisted upon them.

I won’t delve too far into institutional abuse, which is sadly rife, and despite how destructive it is to fragile human beings, is all-too-frequently swept under the carpet. It’s a hotly debated topic that could take years to unravel and is, I believe, not within my area of expertise. If you have been abused at the hands of someone within a religious setting, the damage will go deep. You need love, acceptance and understanding. I urge you to seek outside help, and to keep searching until you find a caring, supportive therapist you feel comfortable with. It will undoubtedly be extremely difficult for you to trust someone in authority, and with good reason. Don’t give up. You were meant to fulfil a unique purpose in your life, not to suffer endlessly because of the heinous actions of other human beings. Christ came to set you free. It’s time to claim your freedom.

It’s time to shine light upon the darkness.

I have no doubt that abuse is actively or passively promoted by certain factions within virtually every religion, be it Christianity, Islam, Hindu, Scientology or Callithumpian! I’ve spoken exclusively from my own experience within the Christian community from both sides of the therapist’s door.