Category Archives: Counselling

The First Indicator of Narcissistic Abuse

03 Friday Jul 2020

Posted by in Abuse victims, Blog about abuse, Counselling, Emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Indicators of narcissistic abuse, Passive-aggressive abuse, Psychological abuse, Relationships, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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mahir-uysal-asHiWQGUPhU-unsplashI’d intended to write a succinct post about the ‘ten indicators you’re in a relationship with a narcissistic abuser’. After some reflection, however, I’ve decided that’s far too trite a way to treat the subject and that each indicator, whether it be number ten, twelve or forty-three, needs to be broken down and discussed in detail. There are enough short, snappy ‘bites’ out there on the internet to whet anyone’s appetite on the subject. When you’re deep in the labyrinth of narcissistic, psychological and emotional abuse, however… you need so much more.

Abuse is not trite. It is not a flippant or easily understood phenomenon. If you’re in its grips, you need detail, time to absorb that detail, and some guideposts out of the darkness. You need to feel ‘heard’ and ‘understood’. You need to know you’re not alone. You need…more than a list.

So, let’s begin slowly and I’ll do my best to walk you through the details and help you find a way forward.

Does someone in your life fly off the handle at the slightest criticism? And is it invariably your fault?

caricaature of angry man

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This is a big warning sign you may be in the clutches of an abusive, controlling personality, one that may have, at its core, a huge sense of entitlement. A balanced personality understands we’re not perfect, we all make mistakes and sometimes it’s appropriate for others to point out these faults and request change. We may not like it and sometimes we might bristle and feel hurt, but we won’t lash out with a tirade of abuse or with days of passive aggressive silent treatment, at least not often.

An abusive person with an overabundance of narcissism however, will lash out regularly and brutally, so much so you’ll find yourself constantly walking on eggshells, waiting with a sick, sinking feeling in your gut for the next cruel verbal, or even physical outburst. You are, in fact, hypervigilant. This may be so much a part of your life you believe it’s normal. It’s not. It’s a highly dysfunctional, unhealthy way to live and the stress will likely lead to both physical and psychological/emotional illness, if it hasn’t already. Don’t let this continue to be your normal, as hard as it must be to wrap your head around how things could ever be different. Perhaps it’s been this way for so long, you don’t know any other way to live. I feel your pain acutely. This was once my normal, too.

One of the most baffling aspects of that time in my life is that the majority of the ‘criticism’ for which my abuser rounded on me, were imagined slights. I never knew when a word, a joke, a question or observation, or a mere ‘look on my face’ would trigger an attack out of nowhere. The harder I tried to monitor my every word and movement, the more sudden and frequent the attacks became. He was simply screwing the vice tighter and tighter, not wanting me to wriggle free of its grip. It was as if he truly hated me instead of loving me as much as he avowed he did. It didn’t feel like love. I knew that but assumed it was my fault. If he was so certain everything was my fault, and confidently, loudly told me so time and again, then surely it must be my fault.

Sound familiar? Are you nodding your head and silently saying, ‘Yeah, me too’?

There were many times I literally couldn’t figure out the reason for his sudden rages. He would be happy and joking one minute, wild-eyed and furious the next. What had I done? I’d spend hours, sometimes days wracking my brains to unearth a sane explanation for his latest ambush. The shock tactics were all part of the strategy. If the ‘enemy’ attacks you from behind, you expect it. You don’t expect it from someone you believe loves you. And so it goes, round and round, for months and years and sometimes decades.

If this is happening to you, please stop trying to unravel a rational explanation for your abuser’s actions. The truth is, controlling and abusive people don’t think rationally the way stable people do. Their mindset and world-view are simply not rational. Trying to see the logic in their thinking is a ticket straight to a psych ward where your stay may be protracted. It will literally drive you mad because that’s exactly what it’s intended to do. Your abuser wants you to look like the crazy one because that affirms his/her place as the well-calibrated, long-suffering martyr. It helps preserve their thin veneer of superiority.

I’ll leave you to digest my words for today and tackle the next ‘red flag’ over the coming days. If you are struggling with this issue and would like further information and support, please contact me via the contact form on this website.

Using Religion to Justify Domestic Abuse

04 Sunday Mar 2018

Posted by in Abuse, Abuse condoned by the church, Abuse victims, blog, Blog about abuse, Christianity and abuse, Christianity and domestic violence, Controlling People, counseling, Counselling, Divorce, Emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from emotional abuse, mysoginy, Narcissistic abuse, Oppression of women, Psychological abuse, Relationships, Religion and Abuse, spiritual growth, Spirituality, Uncategorized

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I’ve had the privilege of being a personal assistant to a gifted psychologist who is also a dedicated and genuine Christian. During that time I was privy to hundreds of patient files containing their narratives, their issues, their hopes, their dreams and mostly, their pain. Due to confidentiality requirements, I’m not going to share any of their stories here.

I can, however, share the insights I gained, not only from access to personal information but also from my own conversations with clients I formed relationships with as they sat in my small office, which doubled as a waiting room. Hardly able to contain their emotions while waiting to be called into my boss’s office, many opened up and spilled aspects of their stories while I did my best to make them feel welcome and safe. I’ll ever be grateful for their trust and for what they’ve taught me about life, love and learning.

In itself, faith in God is not to blame.  Narcissists however, use their religious beliefs to manipulate, control and dominate you through fear. To them, religion is a golden tower behind which they hide their dark, shadowy side; standing firmly behind that golden tower while they whip you with out of context scriptures and archane, patriarchal (usually but not always) tactics designed to keep you downtrodden. They tend to have impossible standards of spiritual and moral perfection you have no hope of attaining, leaving you feeling insecure and inadequate. As soon as they perceive that vulnerability, which they’ve carefully cultivated in you, they’ll hone in on it and use it against you at every turn.

Let’s look at that much-quoted and misrepresented biblical admonition for wives to ‘submit’ to their husbands. This is, of course, a misogynistic favourite. It’s all too easy to wield it over the heads of women who desire, with all their hearts, to live according to God’s word. ‘Submit!’ shouts the priest from the pulpit, shaking his fist at a sea of bowed feminine heads. ‘Submit!’ bellows the controlling husband, waving the holy book in front of his wife’s tearful face. ‘Submit!’ order the religious texts written by those ignorant of the nuances of language and translation.

Submit. This one six-letter word has been used to strike fear into the hearts of millions of women for thousands of years…but what does it really mean?

Its original meaning is simple and beautiful. To ‘submit’ means to ‘lift up’. We are to lift up our menfolk to encourage them, and to give them comfort and support. We are, of course, to lift them up in prayer. But there’s another aspect to consider, one that is rarely spoken about. It’s this. We are to lift up our husbands by helping them to stay on that narrow path God calls us to follow; and that means we are to correct them, albeit respectfully, when they stray from that path, and help guide them back to the light, if you will. That means saying ‘no’ sometimes; disagreeing; insisting on respectful and loving treatment and objecting when they become too steeped in worldly things. Ah yes, that’s something narcissists don’t want to hear.

And let’s not forget it works both ways. That is, we are to submit one to another. Yes, husbands must uplift their wives also. It’s worth noting too, that the instruction to submit is specifically meant for husbands and wives. It does not imply that all women are meant to submit to all men; or vice versa.

Sadly, I have witnessed many pious women, their shoulders hunched and eyes cast down, enter through the therapist’s door. After years of ‘submitting’ (in the wrong sense of the word) to controlling husbands, waiting for God to intervene and mend their marriages and their hearts, they come to a Christian counsellor for instruction. Those who walked through my employer’s door were lucky indeed. They’d found a psychologist with an educated understanding of scripture and a rich, deep faith. Without a doubt, she is also one of the strongest, most assertive women I’ve ever met. Those downtrodden women invariably left her office with their heads held a little higher. It was a pleasure to watch them blossom as she taught them how to become the women God intended them to be. Sometimes, that meant the end of their marriages, a possibility they believed God would never condone.

But trust me, God does not condone abuse.

But the bible says God hates divorce, doesn’t it? Well, yes, it does…sort of.

In fact, the word divorce turns up in the scriptures a number of times, in both the old and new testaments and in different contexts. These contexts are important, as are the nuances of language and the difficulties of translation. Ancient Hebrew and Aramaic (the language Yeshua spoke) cannot easily be directly translated into English. Translating first into Greek, as most of the scriptures were, adds another layer of complexity. There can be several degrees of separation between the original meanings and contexts of words and phrases, and their current meanings and contexts.

The word divorce is a perfect example. In Matthew 19, for instance, it is made clear that a man is not to ‘put away’ one wife and marry another. In modern texts, this ‘putting away’ is translated as ‘divorce’. Seems clear enough at first reading, doesn’t it? But let’s look further.

What does to ‘put away’ really mean? Wisdom dictates that it means much more than to separate physically from a woman, or to instigate legal proceedings for divorce. A man can put a woman away from him by a thousand emotional and psychological cuts. (Please note that in the author’s opinion, a woman can do exactly the same thing but they are not as easily excused in religious circles.) Words have the power of life and death over the human spirit; they can be wielded like a sword. In a spiritual sense, words can be used to murder. If a man and a woman become one – a unity in spirit – and yet one of them severs that unity with a spiritual weapon, is this not putting that person away from them in the most brutal manner?

This then, is what God truly hates. In His eyes, divorce has already taken place at the severing of the spiritual and emotional bond between a man and a woman; a bond that is meant to be both tender and strong; a bond that is meant to fulfill a higher purpose.

Abuse (not only physical and sexual abuse but psychological/emotional abuse, too) severs that bond. From a spiritual perspective, there is no difference. Yet the Church frequently teaches us the contrary. And so domestic violence in all its forms is aided and abetted by religion, despite God Himself prohibiting it in no uncertain terms.
Read more at Narcissistic Religious Abuse Tactics.

I’ve not attempted to delve into institutional abuse in this post. That hotly debated topic could take years to unravel and is, I believe, not within my area of expertise. If you have been abused at the hands of anyone within a religious setting, the damage will go deep. You need love, acceptance and understanding. I urge you to seek outside help…and to keep searching until you find a caring, supportive therapist you feel comfortable with. It will undoubtedly be extremely difficult for you to trust someone in authority, and with good reason. Don’t give up. You were meant to fulfil a unique purpose in your life, not to suffer endlessly because of the heinous actions of other human beings.

One of the most disturbing phenomena occurring within church circles, and which receives no press, is the tendency to alienate women who’ve made the decision to leave abusive husbands, after years of cruelty.  Far too often, I’ve witnessed these women being ousted from their spiritual families. Cut off! Deprived of spiritual and emotional support. Quite literally, they’ve been told they’re no longer welcome in the church ‘family’. Their spouses, however…men…remain safely cloistered within patriarchal circles. Their spiritual lives don’t miss a beat. Their friends and mentors don’t drop away. For women…hurting, abused and used women…the story is so different. They find themselves alone and friendless, carrying all the guilt and shame the church ‘fathers’ have foisted upon them.

It’s time to shine light upon the darkness.

I have no doubt that abuse is actively or passively promoted by certain factions within virtually every religion, be it Christianity, Islam, Hindu, Scientology or Callithumpian! I’ve spoken exclusively from my own experience within the Christian community from both sides of the therapist’s door.

Love and light.

 

The Question on Everyone’s Lips: Why do victims stay so long?

11 Saturday Nov 2017

Posted by in Abuse, Abuse victims, Blog about abuse, Controlling People, Counselling, Emotional abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Narcissistic abuse, Oppression of women, Passive-aggressive abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Psychopathology, Recovery from abuse, Relationship abuse, Relationship breakdown, Stockholm Syndrome, The Silent Treatment, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse, Why abuse victims don't leave, Why abuse victims stay so long

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sinking woman, koratmember

Image courtesy of koratmember at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

To those who’ve been in psychological and emotional captivity to an abusive partner, spouse or parent, the answer is abundantly clear. It’s complicated but obvious; yet far from obvious to outside observers.

Even those who know us well and have watched us struggle, find our actions inexplicable. We try to explain, we really do. But even to ourselves, the words sound hollow and illogical.

And so we clam up, feeling judged and misunderstood. And lonely…desperately lonely. In the short term, that’s probably all we can do. It takes time – a long time – for us to understand ourselves, and our situations, sufficiently to articulate the truth. In the meantime, until we find the strength to leave the abuser once and for all, friends and family often drop off like lemmings from a cliff, leaving us without much-needed support and encouragement. And that’s all part of our abuser’s grand plan.

I was lucky. I have two epic daughters and a strong mother. They didn’t quite understand but they were accepting and unswervingly supportive.

angry man

Image courtesy of saphatthachat at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

But by and large, I was isolated for over three years from every one of my former friends, and from most of my wider family. There were even attempts to alienate me from my eldest daughter and two grandchildren. Not only was my abuser angry, loud and frightening when my grandchildren came to stay with me, as they’d done since they were tiny, but his own children carried out their own sniper attacks while I was sleeping. (Read my post about flying monkeys here.)

 

My grandchildren would invariably leave, after a weekend spent with me, (once peaceful and serene), so distressed that my daughter no longer allowed them to visit. So I made the 45 minute drive into town to spend time with them whenever time and energy allowed – which wasn’t nearly often enough. I was kept far too busy jumping through hoops to avoid the backlash of my abuser’s anger. As you can see, the ways an abuser isolates his victims from their support network is, by no means, always obvious. More frequently, it’s a covert operation.

And I was sick; so desperately sick with a chronic illness I’d battled for nearly two decades. And let’s not forget that abusers target the ill; the vulnerable. (Note: All of us who are, by nature, compassionate and caring, are hence, vulnerable.)

So that’s reason number 1: We no longer have family and friends to turn to. No one knows what’s going on. No-one believes us when we tell them.

Let me tell you, it’s quite possible to be driven, quite literally, mad. I know, because that’s the state in which I found myself one September. Utterly bereft. Utterly confused. Utterly without any knowledge of or belief in my own reality.

You started out as quite normal. It’s normal to enter relationships with a healthy outlook that assumes shared power; shared responsibility; shared decision-making; shared affection. Everything is mutual and equal. THAT is normal.

THAT’S what you expected, as we all should. But that’s not what happens in abusive relationships.

Instead, you’re manipulated from the outset…subtly at first, and then, when you’re broken in (and broken), the abuse becomes blatant. But by then, you don’t trust yourself. Your reality is skewed. You no longer remember who you truly are. Before long, you can’t answer simple questions about yourself, like, ‘What’s your favourite colour?’

It’s all part of the plan. THEIR plan.

I’ve written in other posts about ‘crazy-making behaviour‘. Let me recap on one of an abuser’s major weapons – Gaslighting.

The movie, ‘Gaslight’ is a golden oldie, starring Ingrid Bergman (as the victim) and Charles Boyer (as the perpetrator). (As a bonus, a young Angela Lansbury makes her debut appearance!) Despite seeming a bit cheesy due to the era, it’s well worth a watch. If you’ve been abused, it will make your hairs stand on end.

To explain briefly, to gaslight someone is to set up certain conditions, and then deny they ever happened. All the while, the ‘gaslighter’ is coupling his or her denials with declarations of love, concern and undying affection, which creates a powerful emotional conditioning. Let me draw a parallel from my own experience.

My neurological condition is known for its cognitive difficulties. During times of stress and illness exacerbation, I rely on written lists; and when I really need to remember something important, I make an extra effort to commit it to long-term memory. I’ve been doing this for around 20 years now and although I still have momentary lapses, by and large, I’ve trained my memory to work fairly well.

Unfortunately, like all abusers, my tormentor seized on this vulnerability and used it against me. Relentlessly. We’d make joint decisions, during which he would seem perfectly agreeable and then I’d wake up the next morning to be told the conversations had never taken place. But also, of course, that he ‘understood’ because ‘poor me’, I have such cognitive difficulties…and he loved me anyway, despite how difficult I was. His performance was worthy of an Oscar and I fell for it over and over, with each episode becoming more and more cruel.

He started to drop the I love you‘s and began to look at me sidelong, like a snake, as if I were filth beneath his martyred feet. By that time, I doubted my own sanity and he openly told me I was f..ing psycho; the crazy one etc. When I stood my ground and opposed him, he became cold, callous and calculating; interspersed with every aggressive and passive-aggressive tactic he could pull out of his bag of psychopathic tricks.

Coupled with all the other modes of abuse and control, I found myself doubting my own sense of reality. It tipped me over the edge. By that time, I felt crazy. And then, of course, he used that against me. The spiral into the abyss of madness was swift and terrifying.

And that’s reason number 2: We reach a point where we no longer trust ourselves or our own reality. If we believe we’re crazy, we also believe we can’t cope on our own; and so we stay with the person who has driven us out of our minds.

And if you fall into this trap? (How can we not?) If you believe you’re not quite sane? What do you do? You cling desperately to the abuser who has deliberately…callously…manipulated your reality to fit his own ends. He wants you to believe HIM (or HER); and so give up on yourself. Who are you then? What do you know? Who and what do you trust?

Remember, family and friends have already disappeared one by one.

And so the trauma bond becomes complete. You have no choice (because your judgment and sanity have been taken from you) but to put all your trust in the only person left to look after you – your abuser.

You may have heard of Stockholm Syndrome. If not, here’s the lowdown:

It’s a psychological phenomenon that is frequently displayed by:

  • Abused Children
  • Battered/Abused Women
  • Prisoners of War
  • Cult Members
  • Incest Victims
  • Criminal Hostage Situations
  • Concentration Camp Prisoners
  • Controlling/Intimidating Relationships

It’s characterized by an intense emotional bond that forms between those who hold all the power in a situation and their victims, who hold no power whatsoever. It’s a survival strategy that makes no sense to an outside observer but perfect sense from a psychological perspective. It actually enhances the chances of survival for victims. Unfortunately, it also diminishes the likelihood a victim will leave an abusive situation because:

  • Victims have been powerfully conditioned to show feelings of love, cooperation, appeasement and admiration for their abusers. If they don’t, they will be punished severely, either physically, emotionally, psychologically, sexually, financially…or all of the above.
  • If victims depend solely on the abuser for sustenance (from food, shelter and clothing to human contact, affection, social interaction and validation), a ‘sick’ loop forms wherein victims are inordinately grateful for the tidbits tossed from the masters table.
  • This gratitude and ‘good behaviour’ result from time to time, but not always (just to keep us on our toes), in magnanimous gestures from our captors – maybe a whole day of relaxed conversation, free from verbal and psychological attacks; maybe some tender caresses and dove-eyed smiles instead of the habitual silent treatment and snake-eyed glares; perhaps even a leave-pass to see a friend. And so we walk on eggshells, trained like a terrified dog who, beaten brutally by his master, still wags his tail and follows that master faithfully wherever he goes.

Sad dog

Image courtesy of Patrisyu at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

To learn more about the origins of the term Stockholm Syndrome, visit this link:

Stockholm Syndrome: Counseling Resources

In a nutshell though, the trauma bond – often referred to as Stockholm Syndrome is the third and probably most powerful reason victims of abuse just CAN’T escape their bondage.

 

There are other reasons victims stay with their abusers for far too long that are a little easier to comprehend.

We’re plain scared! Having been punished beyond all proportion for our imagined misdeeds, we know full well the extent of the backlash we’ll receive if we do leave. Some of us have been threatened physically; others have had children threatened; for others it’s been the threat of a smear campaign that promises to destroy our futures.

So, reason number 4 is that we’re just plain terrified!

And because our abuser has almost certainly held the financial reins and likely either destroyed our careers by covert means or ‘persuaded’ us not to work for any number of selfish reasons … we’re broke! We have no money and nowhere to go. We’re likely sick and debilitated; left without the capacity or skills to regroup, find work and establish ourselves financially..

So, that’s another reason we stay. We’re broke! We have no capacity for work and nowhere safe to go. That’s reason number 5 in a nutshell.

This list is far from definitive but I hope it gives an insider glimpse into that baffling question – Why on earth would you stay with such a monster?

From the perspective of an abuse victim, the decision to stay seems like a logical one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Traumatic Memories & the Trauma Response

23 Sunday Jul 2017

Posted by in Abuse, Childhood wounds, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Counselling, Emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Narcissistic abuse, Neuroscience and abuse, Personal growth, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Recovery from abuse, Relationships, Retraumatizing, self love, spiritual growth, Triggering, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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silhouette of a man asking for help

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net/foto76

Memories can be wonderful … but not always. Sometimes they thrust themselves into consciousness without warning or invitation, knocking the air clean out of our lungs. Like a kick in the gut with steel-capped boots, an unwelcome memory can force us to your knees , gagging, or send us stumbling numbly in search of a dark, dark cupboard in which to hide … a cupboard that holds no Narnia on its other side, but only ghoulies and ghosties and long-legged beasties and things that go bump in the night.

Some time after the witching hour last night, a memory came to visit. I tried to grab it by the throat and force it back through the door of my dreams, but still it came … stealthy and relentless. And then came another … and yet another. Today I’m barely able to function.

Such is the reality of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, a response all too common to survivors of verbal, emotional and psychological abuse. I wish I could tell you how to make it stop. Psychologists will teach you cognitive behavioural techniques (CBT) – the mode of therapy that is currently flavour of the month. It aims to mediate your emotions by getting you to control your own thought processes and attitudes. What the ‘experts’ don’t seem to understand, or tell you, is that the deep-seated feelings of horror and terror that result from years of cruelty actually circumvent the normal neural pathways. And that lack of understanding comes very close to ‘victim blaming’; it unleashes a barrage of guilt and alienates us from much needed love and support.
During my own (long-ago, pre-illness) studies of psychology, I learned that it is, in fact, not possible for researchers to determine whether the physical responses associated with anxiety – the release of stress hormones, which lead to rapid heart rate and pulse, etc) – pre-empt the feeling of fear itself, or whether the fear triggers the physical response. It’s the physical processes that make us shake with fear or paralyze us; that make us feel sick and our palms sweat as the blood thuds and throbs through our heads, leaving us spent. Researchers still don’t know whether the chicken comes before the egg.

Truth is, memories or events that evoke a trauma response trigger automatic emotions first … and the thoughts then follow. From there we scramble to make cognitive sense of them while our fight or flight responses are on auto-pilot, ready to take off like a jump jet. Add in the fact that stress (in all its forms – anxiety, fear etc) shuts down our normal cognitive processes, making it impossible to think straight, and we have a wrecking ball massive enough to demolish the very fabric of our being.

Under these circumstances I believe it’s virtually impossible to be rational – although I baulk at fully embracing that concept with its implication that we just can’t help ourselves. There has to be some level of personal responsibility, certainly, but there needs to be an attitude of compassion, too. Compassion not only from others but also compassion for ourselves. Sometimes we need to cut ourselves some slack. That doesn’t mean allowing ourselves to be out of control; to rant and rave at others; to get drunk and drive fast in an attempt to get away from ourselves; or to engage in any other forms of destructive behaviour.

What it means is to understand that the feeling itself is okay.

We are NOT DEFECTIVE! We are injured and may always carry painful scars that adhere to our souls … wounds that are easily reopened. It is NOT OUR FAULT. We are who we are. Survivors.

shy girl

We need to accept ourselves with all our battle-scars even if no-one else does, and we need to nurture our own wounded inner child. Imagine how you might treat a little girl or boy who has been irrevocably damaged by some adult monster. What would you say to her? How would you soothe and reassure him? If you were harmed by an intimate partner and not by a parent, your inner child is still just as wounded. We all carry that vulnerable facet deep within us and it is this very precious, fragile part of our souls that our abusers hone in on in their attempts to destroy us.

Some of us turn to God and hand our brokenness to Him; the perfect parent; the ever-loving spouse who cherishes us in a way no human being ever can. He is the keeper of my soul and my only true solace when the demons of trauma return to torment me. He scoops me up and cradles me in His powerful yet gentle arms and kisses me like the wounded child I truly am.

 

 

 

Nurturing souls and their abusers

14 Sunday Aug 2016

Posted by in Abuse, Abuse victims, Counselling, Emotional abuse, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Psychopathology, Relationships, spiritual growth, Spirituality, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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I’m reblogging this beautifully and succinctly written piece from ‘Sanctuary for the Abused’. It speaks directly to the heart of the matter. Note: The genders are interchangeable.

A Nurturing Soul Does Not Compute with a Sociopath

Angel imprisoned Pictures, Images and Photos

Many are often shocked to find an otherwise healthy and strong woman in an abusive situation and wonder why and how this happens.

This women is a nurturer. She has nurtured her own soul, conquered herself to find joy in the world.

She meets a man who seems to be so close to winning. He’s almost conquered himself. She finds great pleasure and joy in watching and taking part in the nurturing of other’s souls. She sees how beautiful he is. She wants him to win his inner battles. She wants to be a part of this great battle.

She sees his behavior change from kind and loving, to mean and cruel, and believes she is watching an inner battle of self being waged. She wants him to win the good fight. She sees the worth of his soul, and feels the battle is worth the wages.

This loving, nurturing woman joins the man in his own personal battle as a loving friend and wife.

But she doesn’t understand his swift mood changes from kind to cruel, are not representative of an internal battle over self, but merely manipulative behaviors, designed to gain power over others.

He is not battling over self control, but dominating the souls and hearts of others.

In the end, she finds herself in a painful powerless position having lost herself serving him, loving him, sacrificing for him, in the illusion he will be moved by her love to win.

But their is no battle within him. His heart is not moved. There is no battle to be won. She will lose everything in a quest that never was.

And the devil will rejoice in the crumbling of another soul, that was once previously strong.

Her whole life, her great quest to save her husband, is nothing but a lie.

by Natalie Fleming

SOURCE

Verbal punches and brain changes

01 Friday Jul 2016

Posted by in Abuse, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Counselling, Emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Justice system and abuse, Narcissistic abuse, Neuroscience and abuse, Personal growth, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Psychopathology, Relationship abuse, Relationship advice, Spirituality, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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When someone delivers a physical blow, no one questions whether or not damage has been done to the victim, and no one tries to deflect the blame from the perpetrator. The bruises, scratches and broken bones are there for all to see.

Until relatively recently, abusers have been able to hide behind the smokescreen provided by the societal perception that ‘sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me’. Of course, verbal, psychological and emotional abuses go well beyond name-calling, and yet, victims of this most insidious and devastating form of abuse face an uphill battle when it comes to being taken seriously. Already in a depleted emotional and cognitive state, with energy levels at a lifetime low, they rarely have the wherewithal to pursue understanding, let alone deliverance, from their personal hell.

Legislation however, is beginning to catch up with the truth. There’s a long way to go yet but the first seeds have been sown, at least in my own county – Australia. Most other nations are lagging a long way behind.

But I’ll save the legislative changes for another post. Today, I want to shed a little light on what emotional/verbal abuse victims have known for millenia, and which is only now being backed up by the latest research from neuroscience. To put it in very plain English, recent studies have proved that the brain changes that occur as a result of physical abuse are exactly the same as the changes that occur as a result of emotional, verbal and psychological abuse. In other words, the source of the abuse doesn’t matter. The brain encodes it the same way, regardless. The bottom line is that all abuse is physical.

That means the long term effects are identical. Well … almost. It has also been established that only one form of abuse consistently leads to Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder(CPTSD). Surprisingly, it’s not sexual or physical abuse. It’s our old foe – emotional, psychological and verbal abuse. Although physical and sexual abuse are usually accompanied by emotional control and abuse, on their own they don’t lead to long term CPTSD. Emotional/verbal/psychological abuse however, is a reliable predictor of CPTSD without any other form of abuse being present. It’s a sobering thought, and something few therapists or authorities are aware of.

Knowledge is empowering. Spread the word.

 

Sources:

http://www.narcissismaddictionsabuse.com

https://www.psychologytoday.com

http://www.blueknot.org.au

More on Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in a future post.

 

 

 

Retraumatization – what happens when you’re triggered.

02 Tuesday Feb 2016

Posted by in Abuse victims, Counselling, Emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from emotional abuse, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Psycopathology, Rape, Recovery from abuse, Relationships, Retraumatizing, Triggering, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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The greatest gift you are ever going to give someone – the permission to feel safe in their own skin. To feel worthy. To feel like they are enough.

Hannah Brencher

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.com/Chrisroll

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.com/Chrisroll

Of the hundreds of people with whom I’ve interacted via this blog and on facebook, not one who has been on the receiving end of relentless emotional abuse feels ‘safe’ – not in their own skin, not in the company of others nor in contact with their outer or inner worlds.

I have been there. Sometimes I still am. One word, one look, one innuendo can jettison me back through time so fast that I become that child, that spouse; you know, the one who will never be good enough, all over again. In less than a heartbeat I am metaphorically tossed onto the cold hard tiles I was once brutally thrown on in a physical sense. The emotional pain though, runs deeper, right to the arteries, until I feel I’ll surely bleed to death without the slightest scratch to evidence my injury. I find myself fighting the urge to curl into the tiniest, tiniest ball – like some deformed foetus – and crawl into the farthest corner of the darkest cupboard – until the end of time. It is an agony to just ‘be’.

When I am ‘triggered’ like this, I am fighting the urge to ‘not be’ … that is, to not exist. I want desperately to flee to the arms of the Great I Am. There is no solace on this earth. But I stay. I breathe through it. I think of my children and my grandchildren … and I resist the compulsion to run into the night and take the path to the cliff edge a short walk from here. Once there, I know I would fall … because I would want to fall.

This woundedness is something I will probably never completely recover from. Such things are embedded too deep in the psyche and surrounded by a dense network of pain, and nightmarish fears that have been reinforced over and over again.

A  Jungian psychologist would refer to this phenomenon, I believe, as a complex. The existence of complexes is almost universally agreed upon in the field of depth psychology. The underlying assumption is that the most important influences on your personality are deep in the unconscious (Dewey, 2007). Because they are buried so deep they are often unavailable to our consciousness, making mediation of the intense emotions evoked by activation of a complex extraordinarily difficult. Many psychologists hold that, indeed, complexes are impossible to cure and can, at best, be managed.

Unlike the other aspects of consciousness, complexes are peculiarly autonomous. They either force themselves on our awareness, breaking through the inhibitory processes of consciousness, or will hide from us, refusing to be brought to awareness at will. They can be both obsessive and possessive. When they break through, believe me, they are in charge of you. That makes them both scary and destructive.

So there I was … recently. Triggered. Wanting to die. Wanting to disappear. And having no idea how to handle the situation.

This story has a happy ending, however … and I believe such happy endings are rare. There is one ingredient … one unique and rare ingredient … that brings about healing. I have found it. I have been gifted with it. My next post will elaborate. Love and light to all who read this.

 

 

 

 

Do Emotional Abusers Know What They’re Doing?

09 Saturday Jan 2016

Posted by in Abuse, Abuse victims, Controlling People, Counselling, Divorce, Emotional abuse, healing from emotional abuse, Love, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Psychopathology, Recovery from abuse, Relationship abuse, Relationship breakdown, Relationships, Tough love, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

≈ 8 Comments

 

Vampire girl

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

The short answer is, it depends. A true narcissistic personality is utterly conscious of the ways in which they are manipulating and hurting you. And they simply don’t care. More than that, it gives them pleasure, a sense of superiority and control. It is a big part of their psychopathology. Other abusers, who don’t score highly enough on narcissistic traits to be labelled with full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder, may simply be repeating patterns they learned in childhood and in subsequent relationships. I say ‘simply’, but the process via which it happens is far from simple, nor is it simple to unravel and to heal.

Mostly though, people don’t fit neatly into two separate categories – pathological abuser and ‘ordinary’ abuser, for instance. Personality traits aren’t ‘either/or’, but exist on a bipolar continuum, meaning they range from mild to severe, depending on the person, and also on the circumstances or environment in which that person acts. So…looking again at whether or not abusers do what they do purposefully…I can’t make that assessment for you, but may be able to help you fathom the answer as it relates to your personal situation.

On blogs and discussion groups you’ll find professionals and lay-people alike debating this question and coming out in favour of one side or the other. So how do you tell the difference?

  1. Look for the lies

If your partner consistently lies, chances are they are fully aware of what they’re doing. There is one school of thought that suggests narcissistic personalities are so adept at deceiving themselves, they actually believe their own lies. I have rarely witnessed this to be the case. There’s a reliable way of finding out, however.

If you catch them in a lie, bring it to their attention in a non-accusatory way. Simply state the truth and that you are aware you’ve been lied to. Then wait for the reaction.

The abuser who is aware she is lying will immediately go for the jugular – yours! It will be swift and brutal. (If you don’t keep your wits about you, you’ll be the one who ends up apologizing.) The response you get will likely have absolutely nothing to do with the point you’ve just made but will be something pulled out of thin air to deflect from their own guilt. They will, instead, hark back to the past and throw some perceived, and entirely irrelevant misdemeanor of yours in your face. And because you care about how they feel, you will likely take the bait. It’s a trip to hell.

2. Their body language and facial expression will reveal the truth.

Image from Springbrook - showing an ancient beech tree with twisted roots.

The cold, soulless eyes tell you all you need to know

There’s a phenomenon I have come across countless times during my discussions with targets of emotional abuse. There is something soulless about the eyes and expression of an abuser who clearly has sadistic tendencies. Their eyes will go black. Their facial expressions will be incredibly cold. There is something ‘frozen’ and reptilian about the face that looks back at you. You’ll feel chilled to the bone and very frightened, even if he/she has never laid a hand on you. Trust this instinct.

 

3. Your tears and genuine emotional pain will not move them.

This hardly needs explanation. If you find yourself genuinely in pain and trying to reason with your abuser, tears in your eyes, your heart breaking … and it fails to move them … they are very aware of what they’re doing. In the words of my own abuser, ‘I knew what I was saying and doing was wrong, and it wasn’t true … but I just wanted to stick it to you.’ He felt that was a perfectly reasonable explanation. I’ll go out on a limb here and disagree with numerous ‘experts’, many of whom have never experienced this first hand, and say it’s utterly inappropriate to excuse these people on the grounds that the poor things don’t have the capacity for empathy. Oh dear, isn’t it sad? They don’t have the capacity for intimacy. They’ll never really experience real love. While that may be true, abusers in this category don’t value things like intimacy – so they aren’t suffering at all. You are. And they don’t give a hoot.

 

The Bottom Line

Does it really matter if they’re aware of their effect on you, or not? You can’t change them. In fact, from the point of view of ‘tough love’, leaving them to it may give them the only chance they have of facing their demons and becoming better people. It’s not your job. Not your circus. Not your monkeys. The harder you try, the more you will fail. Narcissists already think you are in their lives for one reason only, and that is to make them the centre of your universe. The harder you try, the more you are feeding them what they want – the popular terminology for what you are to them is ‘narcissistic supply’. You are being sucked dry by an emotional vampire and therapists and researchers agree that the chances of positive change are very, very small.

Do you want to waste years of your life hoping for the unattainable?

An abuser hides his true ‘self’.

04 Saturday Jul 2015

Posted by in Abuse, Controlling People, Counselling, Emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Narcissistic abuse, Personal growth, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Psychopathology, Recovery from abuse, Relationship abuse, Relationships, Verbal abuse

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Disclaimer: I have used the masculine gender to describe an abuser in the title of this post for ease of writing. Throughout this post I have referred to both sexes by using the plural personal pronouns, ‘they’ ‘them’ or ‘their’ in recognition of the reality that women are also capable of abusing their loved ones.

One of the most common questions I hear is, ‘How can someone hide an abusive personality?

An abuser's mask

“-1360 Schreiberfigur anagoria” by Anagoria – Own work. Licensed under CC BY 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons.personality?’ In other words, how do we not see it coming? If these people are truly as ugly and cruel as we describe, why wasn’t that obvious from the beginning?

The truth is, abusers are highly skilled at hiding their pathological personalities. If they weren’t, they’d never secure employment, gain friends or even negotiate the grocery store without risking a punch up. Normal people would never put up with an abuser’s ‘real self’.

Psychologists use the terms ‘real self’ and ‘ideal self’ when discussing the development of personality. The real self is easy to understand – it is comprised of our actual, manifest personality traits as well as all the aspects that make up our character. The ideal self is that to which we aspire. It’s our inner concept of who we really want to be; what we want to become as we mature. If the real self is too far removed from the ideal self, we experience discomfort within our psyches. We become disappointed in who we are, and how we behave towards others and the environment. If the gap between the real self and the ideal self is too wide, it can result in significant psychopathology.

Most of us are aware when we’re not being honest with ourselves, and subsequently take action to address the imbalance. For those with high levels of narcissistic traits however, the ego is too fragile to accept the disappointing image in the mirror, so they turn away from it in order to create a false self to present to the world. In turning away from their inner reality, they deny its’ existence. In brief, they detest what they see; don’t have the courage to face and overcome it; and so construct a false self that is not only different from their real self, but also extreme in its virtue, cleverness, and sense of importance. They overcompensate for self-hate by constructing this superior facade. The mask they wear is painted with virtues like understanding, compassion, intelligence, responsibility, reliability, humour, kindness and worldly achievements. They often (though not always) walk among us as the pillars of society and our most socially responsible high achievers. Frequently, they are known as generous, benevolent souls outside their intimate circle.

When we meet them, they come highly recommended. Their bosses, coworkers and friends sing their praises. What we don’t know is that they are mentally scanning the room for their latest target, desperate for a source of narcissistic supply. After all, they can’t feel good about themselves until they can make someone else look and feel bad. That someone needs to be empathetic, compassionate, responsible and reliable – all the traits the abuser lacks. Abusers resent their victims, who are everything the abuser wants to be. That resentment quickly escalates to intense hatred.

Man flirting with woman

Image courtesy of photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

In the beginning, however, to hook the perfect target abusers need to be extremely careful not to let their masks slip. With an uncanny ‘nose’ for sniffing out potential sources of narcissistic supply, they can smell vulnerability the way a bloodhound tracks a scent. Through years of practice, they’ve become experts at discovering what makes you tick, what your hopes and dreams are, what you love and what you hate – the essence of who you are. They then have all the ammunition they need to hunt you down.

Where would you most like to travel to?’ ‘Really, the Netherlands? I can’t believe it – the Netherlands is next on my bucket list!

In this respect, abusers are chameleons. If you’re the unwitting victim, all you know is that suddenly you have met the one person in the world who understands you completely, who shares your hopes and dreams, and is aligned with your values. You can’t know that this person who is pursuing you so ardently is simply pretending to mirror your innermost thoughts, support your passions, love the same things you do and envision exactly the same ‘perfect’ future together. We don’t know we’ve been studied for a specific purpose and that our beloved is an expert at what he does. Dr Jekyll doesn’t have to think about becoming Mr Hyde. It happens as naturally as breathing.

During the wooing phase you’ll be ‘love-bombed’. That is, you’ll be pursued so passionately that before you know it, you’re addicted to this ‘love’. This phase is achieved by using the basic psychological principles of conditioning. You are relentlessly ‘rewarded’ at a rate that is not ‘normal’ in a normal population; and this creates an addictive emotional response within you. I will explain this process further in a subsequent post. For now, suffice to say that, once you’re successfully ‘addicted’ to abusers, then…and only then…will they drop their guard and reveal their real selves.

And you are in deep, deep water.

For an excellent and in-depth explanation of the complicated dynamics of abusive relationships, I highly recommend three books by Patrica Evans. I keep these books on my kindle and refer to them regularly. They have been extremely instrumental in my understanding and overcoming the effects of abuse. The book by Lundy Bancroft is often quoted as an extremely useful resource on numerous blogs on the topic of abuse. Click the images to take you to the Amazon store.