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Killing Me Softly: Emotional & Psychological Abuse

~ Now that physical abuse is in the limelight and punishable by law, abusers have resorted to more insidious forms of control. The effects are just as destructive, more enduring, and more difficult to overcome.

Tag Archives: Spiritual Wounds

Verbal punches and brain changes

01 Friday Jul 2016

Posted by Melinda Jensen in Abuse, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Counselling, Emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Justice system and abuse, Narcissistic abuse, Neuroscience and abuse, Personal growth, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Psychopathology, Relationship abuse, Relationship advice, Spirituality, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

abusive relationships, Counseling, crazy-making behaviour, Domestic Violence, dysfunctional relationships, Emotional and Psychological Abuse, mental cruelty, Narcissism, narcissistic abuse, Psychology, Relationship Problems, Relationships, Spiritual Wounds, Verbal Abuse

When someone delivers a physical blow, no one questions whether or not damage has been done to the victim, and no one tries to deflect the blame from the perpetrator. The bruises, scratches and broken bones are there for all to see.

Until relatively recently, abusers have been able to hide behind the smokescreen provided by the societal perception that ‘sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me’. Of course, verbal, psychological and emotional abuses go well beyond name-calling, and yet, victims of this most insidious and devastating form of abuse face an uphill battle when it comes to being taken seriously. Already in a depleted emotional and cognitive state, with energy levels at a lifetime low, they rarely have the wherewithal to pursue understanding, let alone deliverance, from their personal hell.

Legislation however, is beginning to catch up with the truth. There’s a long way to go yet but the first seeds have been sown, at least in my own county – Australia. Most other nations are lagging a long way behind.

But I’ll save the legislative changes for another post. Today, I want to shed a little light on what emotional/verbal abuse victims have known for millenia, and which is only now being backed up by the latest research from neuroscience. To put it in very plain English, recent studies have proved that the brain changes that occur as a result of physical abuse are exactly the same as the changes that occur as a result of emotional, verbal and psychological abuse. In other words, the source of the abuse doesn’t matter. The brain encodes it the same way, regardless. The bottom line is that all abuse is physical.

That means the long term effects are identical. Well … almost. It has also been established that only one form of abuse consistently leads to Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder(CPTSD). Surprisingly, it’s not sexual or physical abuse. It’s our old foe – emotional, psychological and verbal abuse. Although physical and sexual abuse are usually accompanied by emotional control and abuse, on their own they don’t lead to long term CPTSD. Emotional/verbal/psychological abuse however, is a reliable predictor of CPTSD without any other form of abuse being present. It’s a sobering thought, and something few therapists or authorities are aware of.

Knowledge is empowering. Spread the word.

 

Sources:

http://www.narcissismaddictionsabuse.com

https://www.psychologytoday.com

http://www.blueknot.org.au

More on Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in a future post.

 

 

 

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Spiritual Rape

09 Tuesday Sep 2014

Posted by Melinda Jensen in Abuse, Childhood wounds, Emotional abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Rape, Relationships, Spirituality, Verbal abuse

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

Abuse, abusive relationships, anger, Domestic Violence, Emotional Abuse, Emotional and Psychological Abuse, mysoginy, Psychological Abuse, Psychology, Rape, Spiritual Wounds, Spirituality, Verbal Abuse, wounded inner child

Cruel words destroy the soulLife and death are in the power of the tongue…Proverbs 18:21

I had quite an epiphany last night while watching ‘Law and Order: Special Victims Unit’. Generally, I avoid graphic television programs and movies that trigger my trauma reactions, as I clearly don’t handle them well. (Frankly, I’m not sure a society that ‘expects’ its members to handle images of violence, particularly sexual violence, is a healthy one, but that’s a topic for a whole new series of posts.)

The episode revolved around a college fraternity with a history of its privileged male students, who come from wealthy homes, raping inexperienced young female students, usually employing brutal gang rape strategies. As heinous as that crime is, what followed in its wake was almost worse – a complicated system of set-ups and cover-ups that effectively silenced the victims and neatly flipped each situation onto its back so that the young woman would be portrayed as the guilty party. In order to protect the ‘good’ name of their privileged white male population (whose families donated generously to college funds and sat on its board of directors), all members of campus staff were complicit in deflecting the finger of accusation from the perpetrators onto the victims. Hundreds of young male students embarked on a campaign of humiliation and degradation in order to destroy the reputations of the girls and protect their mates. Unsurprisingly, a number of these young women were driven out of their minds, and one particularly sensitive soul to suicide, by the blaming, shaming and disbelief of their truth. This is the facet of the story I can relate to so well. It enrages me more than the rape itself, as peculiar as that must seem. Continue reading →

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Why abusers choose their targets.

03 Wednesday Sep 2014

Posted by Melinda Jensen in Abuse, Childhood wounds, Emotional abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Relationships, Verbal abuse

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

Abuse, crazy-making behaviour, Domestic Violence, dysfunctional relationships, Emotional Abuse, Emotional and Psychological Abuse, Narcissism, Passive Aggression, Psychology, Relationship abuse, Relationship Problems, Relationships, Spiritual Wounds, Spirituality, Verbal Abuse

Please note: I have referred to abusers as male and their targets as female, simply because it has been my subjective experience and I write from my phenomenological perspective. I would like to highlight the fact that abusers and their victims do not fit neatly into gender-based categories. Men are just as easily victims and women are just as easily perpetrators.

 

My ex-abuser asks himself the question of why he was attracted to two nutcases; two sick and twisted women. The first part of my answer is simple. I am, most assuredly, not a nutcase. That’s simply a facet of his delusion.

The second part of my answer is more complicated. Yes, I am a wounded spirit. I have yet to meet a human being, over the age of forty, who doesn’t fit this definition. Life batters us, we get up and keep moving forward; we make a fist of it, and succeed in varying degrees. But we are all wounded.

It’s true I was wounded in a particular way, which abusers seem to zoom in on. They detect victims of childhood abuse with a radar-sense a bent-wing bat would be proud of. But why? And here’s his answer. Because we’re easy targets for further abuse. Let’s read that again…’because we’re easy targets for further abuse.’ Continue reading →

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Tearing down the bricks and mortar

03 Sunday Aug 2014

Posted by Melinda Jensen in Uncategorized

≈ 15 Comments

Tags

Abuse, abusive relationships, Counseling, crazy-making behaviour, Domestic Violence, Emotional Abuse, Maslow's hierarchy of needs, Personal Development, Psychological Abuse, Psychology, Spiritual Wounds, Step-parenting, Verbal Abuse

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net/Simon Howden

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net/Simon Howden

One of the greatest keys to my healing from abuse has been the search for knowledge and comprehension. The more I understand the dynamics of what happened, the more I am able to let go of the self-blame, the sense of loss and the accompanying chaos and confusion.

This morning I read an excellent post by Army of Angels, a blog I follow and have learned much from. The writer used ‘Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs’ to outline the process via which the strong ‘self’ she’d developed over the years was systematically deconstructed by her abuser, leaving her at the bottom rung of the psychological ladder. Using her template, I’ve followed the events that led me personally to that same point.

Full credit must go to Army of Angels for bringing to my attention such an insightful healing tool and I encourage you all to follow her example. The original post can be found here: http://armyofangels2013.wordpress.com/2014/08/03/narcissistic-abuse/

For those of you who aren’t familiar with Maslow’s theory, it basically states that as part of our development, each human being must pass through a series of stages that reflect a set of needs that must be met before we are able to move onto the next stage. He suggests that if our needs for a particular stage cannot be met to an optimum degree, we will be unable to move forward with the process of psychological maturity. We will become stuck. To put it in layman’s terms, a person who is consumed by hunger and lack of adequate shelter cannot even think about his self-esteem needs (confidence, self-esteem, achievement, respect by and for others).

My abuser systematically destroyed me (temporarily) in the following, chilling manner. Continue reading →

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A word on Rage

17 Thursday Jul 2014

Posted by Melinda Jensen in Uncategorized

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

Abuse, anger, crazy-making behaviour, dysfunctional relationships, Emotional Abuse, rage, Relationship abuse, Spiritual Wounds, Step-parenting, Verbal Abuse

Rage

Rage is a normal response to abuse. It is an appropriate response to being deprived of the liberty to act from one’s own reality, to live by one’s own standards and values, and to being silenced.

My ex-husband recently sent me an email in which he states that, even after 10 months of separation, during which time I’ve been essentially homeless, he does not want me to return to the property. For first time visitors to my blog, the brief story is that there are two dwellings on our rural block, both fully self-contained and separate. I wish, and have wished from the beginning, to reside quietly in the second dwelling until we’re able to sell the property and move on. I am well within my rights to do so, and anyone who knows me also knows I’m perfectly capable of going about my business in a peaceful manner. The property market is extremely slow right now and it may take another year, or perhaps longer to sell such a lifestyle block.

But my husband has banished me, expecting me to continue this itinerant style of living indefinitely, despite my debilitating health condition. His reason? My rage. He states he and his family don’t need the inconvenience of having me around, since I have, on occasion, been very, very angry. He goes on to smoothly say that he understands now that my rage comes from past childhood abuse, exacerbated by my physical illness, and he has much compassion for me. Sounds sweet, doesn’t it? If only it were true. Continue reading →

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Abuse and Post Traumatic Stress

07 Monday Jul 2014

Posted by Melinda Jensen in Uncategorized

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Abuse, abusive relationships, Counseling, Emotional Abuse, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychological Abuse, Psychology, PTSD, Relationships, Spiritual Wounds, Spirituality, Verbal Abuse

From FreeDigitalPhotos.net/ Idea Go

From FreeDigitalPhotos.net/
Idea Go

Post Traumatic Stress is far from an unusual experience for those of us who have been through significant and protracted abuse. It seems to matter little whether the abuse was physical, or emotional/psychological, or a mixture of both. Psychic trauma is every bit as devastating as physical trauma, and for those who have experienced both, the effects of the former often outlast and outweigh the effects of the latter. Recovery is laborious when you’ve been at war with a phantom; a poltergeist that wrecked your world while no one else watched. Yet there is scant recognition of this very real phenomenon experienced by targets of verbal and emotional abuse, even among psychologists and counselors with years of experience under their belts.

Let’s take a brief look at Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which can develop following any traumatic event or series of events that threatens your safety or makes you feel helpless. If these events are unpredictable and not under your control, as happens when you live with an abuser, you will also experience the loss of hope. It may take months or years to develop into full-blown PTSD, particularly if the abuse is covert, ie not physical, and escalates over time. (And abuse always get worse over time.) Continue reading →

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