Tag Archives: dysfunctional relationships

Verbal punches and brain changes

01 Friday Jul 2016

Posted by in Abuse, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Counselling, Emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Justice system and abuse, Narcissistic abuse, Neuroscience and abuse, Personal growth, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Psychopathology, Relationship abuse, Relationship advice, Spirituality, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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When someone delivers a physical blow, no one questions whether or not damage has been done to the victim, and no one tries to deflect the blame from the perpetrator. The bruises, scratches and broken bones are there for all to see.

Until relatively recently, abusers have been able to hide behind the smokescreen provided by the societal perception that ‘sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me’. Of course, verbal, psychological and emotional abuses go well beyond name-calling, and yet, victims of this most insidious and devastating form of abuse face an uphill battle when it comes to being taken seriously. Already in a depleted emotional and cognitive state, with energy levels at a lifetime low, they rarely have the wherewithal to pursue understanding, let alone deliverance, from their personal hell.

Legislation however, is beginning to catch up with the truth. There’s a long way to go yet but the first seeds have been sown, at least in my own county – Australia. Most other nations are lagging a long way behind.

But I’ll save the legislative changes for another post. Today, I want to shed a little light on what emotional/verbal abuse victims have known for millenia, and which is only now being backed up by the latest research from neuroscience. To put it in very plain English, recent studies have proved that the brain changes that occur as a result of physical abuse are exactly the same as the changes that occur as a result of emotional, verbal and psychological abuse. In other words, the source of the abuse doesn’t matter. The brain encodes it the same way, regardless. The bottom line is that all abuse is physical.

That means the long term effects are identical. Well … almost. It has also been established that only one form of abuse consistently leads to Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder(CPTSD). Surprisingly, it’s not sexual or physical abuse. It’s our old foe – emotional, psychological and verbal abuse. Although physical and sexual abuse are usually accompanied by emotional control and abuse, on their own they don’t lead to long term CPTSD. Emotional/verbal/psychological abuse however, is a reliable predictor of CPTSD without any other form of abuse being present. It’s a sobering thought, and something few therapists or authorities are aware of.

Knowledge is empowering. Spread the word.

 

Sources:

http://www.narcissismaddictionsabuse.com

https://www.psychologytoday.com

http://www.blueknot.org.au

More on Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in a future post.

 

 

 

Boundaries: A Litmus Test for Potential Abusers

29 Monday Sep 2014

Posted by in Abuse, Boundaries, Controlling People, Emotional abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Relationships, Spirituality, Verbal abuse

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Abusers have no respect for boundaries. Even if you attempt to build an impenetrable fortress around you, an abuser will think nothing of blowing it up with the equivalent of emotional and psychological dynamite. You’ll find yourself crushed and flattened under the rubble, and while you’re crawling back out you’ll be blamed for the fine mess you’ve gotten yourself into.

Once you’ve extricated yourself from a toxic relationship, this tell-tale disrespect of personal boundaries can be a useful guide when it comes to avoiding the attentions of, and entanglements with other controlling people in the future. In fact, life seems to be handing me plenty of opportunities to hone this particular skill since I separated from my husband just over a year ago.

For example my hackles automatically go up when someone offers unsolicited advice. I don’t need to be told what to do; I need a listening ear and empathy. There are times when I need help. We all do, but it isn’t helpful if someone takes over my show. Both these instances – offering advice I haven’t asked for, and crossing the line between help and control – show that the other person has boundary issues; that they aren’t aware of where their personhood finishes and mine begins. Hence, they step into my space and act as if they are me. My emotional response is usually an internal feeling of anger at being ‘pushed around’. We need to listen to anger. In and of itself, it is not a negative emotion but a protective one. Anger tells us when our boundaries are being crossed, whether those boundaries are physical or psychic. Anger tells us we need to protect ourselves in some way.

Anger is your friend. Use it well and wisely.

Boundaries are also crossed whenever people label us as something we know to be untrue of ourselves. I recently pointed out to a relatively new male friend that I found an email joke he sent me inappropriate, outlining my reasons quite clearly. He turned nasty and told me (this person who barely knows me) that I have issues. I’d like a dollar for every controlling person who’s analysed my ‘issues’ for me without taking a jolly good look in the mirror first. It’s not that I believe I don’t have any issues. As far as I’m concerned the human condition is all about issues, and our efforts to overcome them, in our quest for personal and spiritual maturity. It’s just that I don’t believe an amateur psychologist has any right to take me apart and act as judge and jury regarding my emotional stability or lack thereof; nor do I believe I have the particular set of issues allocated to me by this almost-stranger.

I’m extremely grateful for these warning signs. By paying heed I have effectively sidestepped a couple of potential relationships that would likely have led to more control, abuse and grief. Perhaps I should have given them the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps if I had given them another chance or two or three, I might have granted them the opportunity to choose to grow and change. But I’ve reached an age and stage where I no longer wish to wait around for someone to catch up with me. I no longer wish to teach and guide and support such people. It’s time for me to reach for the good and allow the rest to slide on by. I listen to the wisdom of the still, small voice…and feel the peace.

Try setting a boundary and observe what happens. A controlling person will always react negatively.

Why abusers choose their targets.

03 Wednesday Sep 2014

Posted by in Abuse, Childhood wounds, Emotional abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Relationships, Verbal abuse

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Please note: I have referred to abusers as male and their targets as female, simply because it has been my subjective experience and I write from my phenomenological perspective. I would like to highlight the fact that abusers and their victims do not fit neatly into gender-based categories. Men are just as easily victims and women are just as easily perpetrators.

 

My ex-abuser asks himself the question of why he was attracted to two nutcases; two sick and twisted women. The first part of my answer is simple. I am, most assuredly, not a nutcase. That’s simply a facet of his delusion.

The second part of my answer is more complicated. Yes, I am a wounded spirit. I have yet to meet a human being, over the age of forty, who doesn’t fit this definition. Life batters us, we get up and keep moving forward; we make a fist of it, and succeed in varying degrees. But we are all wounded.

It’s true I was wounded in a particular way, which abusers seem to zoom in on. They detect victims of childhood abuse with a radar-sense a bent-wing bat would be proud of. But why? And here’s his answer. Because we’re easy targets for further abuse. Let’s read that again…’because we’re easy targets for further abuse.’ Continue reading →

A word on Rage

17 Thursday Jul 2014

Posted by in Uncategorized

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Rage

Rage is a normal response to abuse. It is an appropriate response to being deprived of the liberty to act from one’s own reality, to live by one’s own standards and values, and to being silenced.

My ex-husband recently sent me an email in which he states that, even after 10 months of separation, during which time I’ve been essentially homeless, he does not want me to return to the property. For first time visitors to my blog, the brief story is that there are two dwellings on our rural block, both fully self-contained and separate. I wish, and have wished from the beginning, to reside quietly in the second dwelling until we’re able to sell the property and move on. I am well within my rights to do so, and anyone who knows me also knows I’m perfectly capable of going about my business in a peaceful manner. The property market is extremely slow right now and it may take another year, or perhaps longer to sell such a lifestyle block.

But my husband has banished me, expecting me to continue this itinerant style of living indefinitely, despite my debilitating health condition. His reason? My rage. He states he and his family don’t need the inconvenience of having me around, since I have, on occasion, been very, very angry. He goes on to smoothly say that he understands now that my rage comes from past childhood abuse, exacerbated by my physical illness, and he has much compassion for me. Sounds sweet, doesn’t it? If only it were true. Continue reading →

The hardest word

12 Saturday Jul 2014

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Too afraid to say no.

Too afraid to say ‘no’. Image courtesy of Andy Newson/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

According to Elton John, ‘sorry seems to be the hardest word’. But for some of us, sorry is consummately easy to say and to feel. We’re often not even to blame, yet others seek to lay the blame squarely and unfairly on our shoulders to avoid admitting their own culpability. We’ve been trained to say sorry with the precision of an army drill by people whose methods make a drill sergeant look tame. ‘Sorry’ is easy. ‘No’ is virtually impossible.

Why? Because we’ve also been trained that to say ‘no’ is to have punishment after punishment heaped upon us by those who have chosen us as targets for their abuse. Right from the beginning of my marriage it was made clear that my differences were not to be tolerated, my preferences not to be listened to, and if I attempted to exert my right to have equal input into family decisions or the running of the household, I would be accused of trying to make their lives a misery; of holding standards that were too difficult to attain; and of actively wanting to harm them. The last accusation was a clear case of projection – an abuser will always try to convince you you’re the controller; that you are in fact, the abusive one. Continue reading →

Crazy-Making Behaviour: Part One

15 Thursday May 2014

Posted by in Abuse, Relationships

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Help on the sand

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net /Simon Howden

Therapist and author, Patricia Evans, claims she has spoken to thousands of victims of domestic violence and that ‘battered women have always told me that the verbal abuse was the worst.’ (From her website www.verbalabuse.com) She goes on to say that for those who have experienced “worse than battering,” it will take time to recover.’

I am now free from a relationship in which I was cruelly verbally abused while having the expression of my opinions, feelings, attitudes and values tightly controlled through various forms of manipulation, all involving fear. Consummate verbal abusers are invariably hell-bent on controlling their targets. They will also tell you that you, the target, are the abuser. Most of us engage in the occasional behaviour or speech that can be considered ugly, but it’s not abuse unless it’s a pattern that’s fairly well-entrenched. You may also be driven ‘crazy’ by the abuse itself and retaliate from your own pain. There’s a difference between that kind of reactive, defensive behaviour and true emotional and psychological abuse. While you’re deep inside those restrictive psychological walls, it will be hard to tell the difference, but rest assured your abuser will consistently maintain his innocence while pointing the finger of blame directly at you. This, in itself, is a clue to unravelling the puzzle.

It’s all about control. abusers engage in crazy-making behaviour to keep you in a state of confusion about your own reality. If you doubt yourself and your own sanity, you’ll look to him to define reality instead. That’s when he’s got you right where he wants you.

 Recommended: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program:

Melanie Tonia Evans

Continue reading →