Category Archives: Psychopathology

The Second Indicator of Narcissistic Abuse

17 Friday Jul 2020

Posted by in Abuse, Abuse victims, Blog about abuse, counseling, Emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Narcissism, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychopathology, Relationship abuse, Relationships, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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Arrogant businessman

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They are the best, most popular, most interesting ‘everything’ and they have the best, most popular, most interesting ‘everything’. Everyone and everything else is inferior.

I confess this aspect of narcissists is particularly galling in that they actually have the gall to believe what they’re telling us, and they display a total lack of humility in the telling. I emotionally and physically recoil from the bold, unfounded claims of such unbridled egos. They raise my hackles. Perhaps someone in your life raises your hackles for similar reasons. We all like to feel good about ourselves but there’s a line most of us won’t cross; a line of decency and rational thinking. We are all flawed beings…unless we are narcissists.

I’ve heard such astounding claims as:

‘We were the most popular family in the whole school. We were always treated as though we’re special. People gave us things no-one else got.’ The earnest facial expression that accompanied this statement almost elicited an eyeroll from me, which would, of course had resulted in days of retribution from father (who aided and abetted the outrageous claims) and son alike, had I not checked myself.

‘I have the best music. The best!’ How I hated listening to that guy’s unique blend of Thai country music and heavy metal and, of course, he played it loud enough for the whole neighbourhood to hear, convinced we enjoyed it as much as he did. This fellow was also always ‘right’ about everything and he knew everything about something and something about everything. We’ll tackle that in my next post (Indicator number 3), as it’s a universal trait of narcissists.

‘I own expensive antiques.’ They were in such a state of filthy disrepair, they were, in fact, worth nothing.

‘I’m the well-calibrated one.’ (Naturally, I was the crazy one. There’s no way a narcissist will share his pedestal.)

‘I know I’m pretty.’ (Actually, that claim was debatable and was a surprise coming from a teenage girl, a group who are almost universally afflicted with a terrible self-consciousness and lack of faith in their own attributes.)

‘My children never lie.’ Translated to, ‘My children are perfect.’ They were also never rude, or unreasonable, or too loud or too sulky, or anything other than absolutely perfect. He wore their ‘perfection’ as a badge of his own superiority. (Poor kids, what chance did they have?)

ordinary house graphic‘My house is worth a million dollars.’ It wasn’t, and ended up selling for a lot less.

‘I did nothing wrong in my first marriage.’ Again, I’m perfect! The first wife, who suicided, might beg to differ, were she still around to tell her story.

‘I’m the teacher’s favourite.’ Cue in another almost-eyeroll. In case I sound as though I have no understanding or compassion for children, this young fellow was simply following in his father’s well-warn narcissistic footsteps and I was powerless to stop it. I waited for his words to be tempered by some wisdom from his father. It never came…because his father agreed with him, his son being perfect, after all. This is one way in which future narcissists are formed. (Are they born or are they bred? That’s a topic for a whole new post.)

‘I’m the best artist and I should have got the academic award for art, not him!’ This claim was fully supported by the speaker’s father who might have taken the opportunity to give a lesson in humility, or perhaps fairness and work ethic. Truth was, she was definitely a talented artist but she didn’t put in the work, and was simply trumped by someone who did.

‘Look around you, darling. We’re millionaires.’ A self-satisfied, smug, arrogant expression settled on his face when he made this claim, which was often over the years. You’ll probably notice a pattern developing by now and guess that we weren’t millionaires at all. You’d be right. Almost everything we owned was caught up in property; plus, neither of us was working (me, due to ill health, him, because he didn’t want to), so our funds were dwindling rapidly while he held onto his fantasy.

‘I haven’t lost my boyish good looks.’ I know people say such things in humour but this statement was made in complete seriousness. Another debatable claim.

‘I wasn’t appreciated at work. I worked harder than anyone else and I was good at it.’

‘Look at her. (His daughters, his nieces, his sisters). She’s so beautiful. She’s gorgeous! Perfect in every way. Look at her dress! Stunning!’ He would say this over and over and over, especially after a few too many drinks. There was something emotionally incestuous about it that made my skin crawl. Looking back, it was most likely due to his overwhelming need to ‘own’ perfect things; the best things, even if those ‘things’ were people.

Mercifully, my experiences have become a distant memory and now raise only a rye smile and a shake of my head. If you’re caught up with a narcissist, however, you’ll have your own unique story of your narcissist’s ‘perfection’ to tell. If you’ve ever deigned to disagree with their bold claims of superiority, you’ll remember their retaliation acutely. So acutely, I’m willing to guess, that you’ve dared not disagree again. Trying to hold a rational conversation with your tormentor about the reality of their situation, and of their dysfunctional ‘self-concept’ is always going to end in battle. And you will lose.

An out-sized ego will interpret any attempt to encourage self-reflection as a direct assault. They will feel attacked, and when they feel attacked, you already know how that ends for you.

We all have our blind spots and our little vanities but, if you’re living with someone who repeatedly claims the limelight and has no trouble articulating how magnificent they are, in every aspect of life, often enough to make you feel uncomfortable…trust those uncomfortable feelings.

Spend some time thinking about the ways in which your abuser claims bragging rights. Is it normal or over the top?

Are they the best at practically everything? Is their family perfect, even in the face of direct evidence to the contrary? Are they inordinately proud of their income, their home, their achievements, their children, their amazing contribution to every aspect of life? I would love to hear some of your stories.

Stay posted for Indicator Number 3: Narcissists know everything. They know something about everything and everything about something.

 

 

The Question on Everyone’s Lips: Why do victims stay so long?

11 Saturday Nov 2017

Posted by in Abuse, Abuse victims, Blog about abuse, Controlling People, Counselling, Emotional abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Narcissistic abuse, Oppression of women, Passive-aggressive abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Psychopathology, Recovery from abuse, Relationship abuse, Relationship breakdown, Stockholm Syndrome, The Silent Treatment, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse, Why abuse victims don't leave, Why abuse victims stay so long

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sinking woman, koratmember

Image courtesy of koratmember at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

To those who’ve been in psychological and emotional captivity to an abusive partner, spouse or parent, the answer is abundantly clear. It’s complicated but obvious; yet far from obvious to outside observers.

Even those who know us well and have watched us struggle, find our actions inexplicable. We try to explain, we really do. But even to ourselves, the words sound hollow and illogical.

And so we clam up, feeling judged and misunderstood. And lonely…desperately lonely. In the short term, that’s probably all we can do. It takes time – a long time – for us to understand ourselves, and our situations, sufficiently to articulate the truth. In the meantime, until we find the strength to leave the abuser once and for all, friends and family often drop off like lemmings from a cliff, leaving us without much-needed support and encouragement. And that’s all part of our abuser’s grand plan.

I was lucky. I have two epic daughters and a strong mother. They didn’t quite understand but they were accepting and unswervingly supportive.

angry man

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But by and large, I was isolated for over three years from every one of my former friends, and from most of my wider family. There were even attempts to alienate me from my eldest daughter and two grandchildren. Not only was my abuser angry, loud and frightening when my grandchildren came to stay with me, as they’d done since they were tiny, but his own children carried out their own sniper attacks while I was sleeping. (Read my post about flying monkeys here.)

 

My grandchildren would invariably leave, after a weekend spent with me, (once peaceful and serene), so distressed that my daughter no longer allowed them to visit. So I made the 45 minute drive into town to spend time with them whenever time and energy allowed – which wasn’t nearly often enough. I was kept far too busy jumping through hoops to avoid the backlash of my abuser’s anger. As you can see, the ways an abuser isolates his victims from their support network is, by no means, always obvious. More frequently, it’s a covert operation.

And I was sick; so desperately sick with a chronic illness I’d battled for nearly two decades. And let’s not forget that abusers target the ill; the vulnerable. (Note: All of us who are, by nature, compassionate and caring, are hence, vulnerable.)

So that’s reason number 1: We no longer have family and friends to turn to. No one knows what’s going on. No-one believes us when we tell them.

Let me tell you, it’s quite possible to be driven, quite literally, mad. I know, because that’s the state in which I found myself one September. Utterly bereft. Utterly confused. Utterly without any knowledge of or belief in my own reality.

You started out as quite normal. It’s normal to enter relationships with a healthy outlook that assumes shared power; shared responsibility; shared decision-making; shared affection. Everything is mutual and equal. THAT is normal.

THAT’S what you expected, as we all should. But that’s not what happens in abusive relationships.

Instead, you’re manipulated from the outset…subtly at first, and then, when you’re broken in (and broken), the abuse becomes blatant. But by then, you don’t trust yourself. Your reality is skewed. You no longer remember who you truly are. Before long, you can’t answer simple questions about yourself, like, ‘What’s your favourite colour?’

It’s all part of the plan. THEIR plan.

I’ve written in other posts about ‘crazy-making behaviour‘. Let me recap on one of an abuser’s major weapons – Gaslighting.

The movie, ‘Gaslight’ is a golden oldie, starring Ingrid Bergman (as the victim) and Charles Boyer (as the perpetrator). (As a bonus, a young Angela Lansbury makes her debut appearance!) Despite seeming a bit cheesy due to the era, it’s well worth a watch. If you’ve been abused, it will make your hairs stand on end.

To explain briefly, to gaslight someone is to set up certain conditions, and then deny they ever happened. All the while, the ‘gaslighter’ is coupling his or her denials with declarations of love, concern and undying affection, which creates a powerful emotional conditioning. Let me draw a parallel from my own experience.

My neurological condition is known for its cognitive difficulties. During times of stress and illness exacerbation, I rely on written lists; and when I really need to remember something important, I make an extra effort to commit it to long-term memory. I’ve been doing this for around 20 years now and although I still have momentary lapses, by and large, I’ve trained my memory to work fairly well.

Unfortunately, like all abusers, my tormentor seized on this vulnerability and used it against me. Relentlessly. We’d make joint decisions, during which he would seem perfectly agreeable and then I’d wake up the next morning to be told the conversations had never taken place. But also, of course, that he ‘understood’ because ‘poor me’, I have such cognitive difficulties…and he loved me anyway, despite how difficult I was. His performance was worthy of an Oscar and I fell for it over and over, with each episode becoming more and more cruel.

He started to drop the I love you‘s and began to look at me sidelong, like a snake, as if I were filth beneath his martyred feet. By that time, I doubted my own sanity and he openly told me I was f..ing psycho; the crazy one etc. When I stood my ground and opposed him, he became cold, callous and calculating; interspersed with every aggressive and passive-aggressive tactic he could pull out of his bag of psychopathic tricks.

Coupled with all the other modes of abuse and control, I found myself doubting my own sense of reality. It tipped me over the edge. By that time, I felt crazy. And then, of course, he used that against me. The spiral into the abyss of madness was swift and terrifying.

And that’s reason number 2: We reach a point where we no longer trust ourselves or our own reality. If we believe we’re crazy, we also believe we can’t cope on our own; and so we stay with the person who has driven us out of our minds.

And if you fall into this trap? (How can we not?) If you believe you’re not quite sane? What do you do? You cling desperately to the abuser who has deliberately…callously…manipulated your reality to fit his own ends. He wants you to believe HIM (or HER); and so give up on yourself. Who are you then? What do you know? Who and what do you trust?

Remember, family and friends have already disappeared one by one.

And so the trauma bond becomes complete. You have no choice (because your judgment and sanity have been taken from you) but to put all your trust in the only person left to look after you – your abuser.

You may have heard of Stockholm Syndrome. If not, here’s the lowdown:

It’s a psychological phenomenon that is frequently displayed by:

  • Abused Children
  • Battered/Abused Women
  • Prisoners of War
  • Cult Members
  • Incest Victims
  • Criminal Hostage Situations
  • Concentration Camp Prisoners
  • Controlling/Intimidating Relationships

It’s characterized by an intense emotional bond that forms between those who hold all the power in a situation and their victims, who hold no power whatsoever. It’s a survival strategy that makes no sense to an outside observer but perfect sense from a psychological perspective. It actually enhances the chances of survival for victims. Unfortunately, it also diminishes the likelihood a victim will leave an abusive situation because:

  • Victims have been powerfully conditioned to show feelings of love, cooperation, appeasement and admiration for their abusers. If they don’t, they will be punished severely, either physically, emotionally, psychologically, sexually, financially…or all of the above.
  • If victims depend solely on the abuser for sustenance (from food, shelter and clothing to human contact, affection, social interaction and validation), a ‘sick’ loop forms wherein victims are inordinately grateful for the tidbits tossed from the masters table.
  • This gratitude and ‘good behaviour’ result from time to time, but not always (just to keep us on our toes), in magnanimous gestures from our captors – maybe a whole day of relaxed conversation, free from verbal and psychological attacks; maybe some tender caresses and dove-eyed smiles instead of the habitual silent treatment and snake-eyed glares; perhaps even a leave-pass to see a friend. And so we walk on eggshells, trained like a terrified dog who, beaten brutally by his master, still wags his tail and follows that master faithfully wherever he goes.
Sad dog

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To learn more about the origins of the term Stockholm Syndrome, visit this link:

Stockholm Syndrome: Counseling Resources

In a nutshell though, the trauma bond – often referred to as Stockholm Syndrome is the third and probably most powerful reason victims of abuse just CAN’T escape their bondage.

 

There are other reasons victims stay with their abusers for far too long that are a little easier to comprehend.

We’re plain scared! Having been punished beyond all proportion for our imagined misdeeds, we know full well the extent of the backlash we’ll receive if we do leave. Some of us have been threatened physically; others have had children threatened; for others it’s been the threat of a smear campaign that promises to destroy our futures.

So, reason number 4 is that we’re just plain terrified!

And because our abuser has almost certainly held the financial reins and likely either destroyed our careers by covert means or ‘persuaded’ us not to work for any number of selfish reasons … we’re broke! We have no money and nowhere to go. We’re likely sick and debilitated; left without the capacity or skills to regroup, find work and establish ourselves financially..

So, that’s another reason we stay. We’re broke! We have no capacity for work and nowhere safe to go. That’s reason number 5 in a nutshell.

This list is far from definitive but I hope it gives an insider glimpse into that baffling question – Why on earth would you stay with such a monster?

From the perspective of an abuse victim, the decision to stay seems like a logical one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nurturing souls and their abusers

14 Sunday Aug 2016

Posted by in Abuse, Abuse victims, Counselling, Emotional abuse, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Psychopathology, Relationships, spiritual growth, Spirituality, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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I’m reblogging this beautifully and succinctly written piece from ‘Sanctuary for the Abused’. It speaks directly to the heart of the matter. Note: The genders are interchangeable.

A Nurturing Soul Does Not Compute with a Sociopath

Angel imprisoned Pictures, Images and Photos

Many are often shocked to find an otherwise healthy and strong woman in an abusive situation and wonder why and how this happens.

This women is a nurturer. She has nurtured her own soul, conquered herself to find joy in the world.

She meets a man who seems to be so close to winning. He’s almost conquered himself. She finds great pleasure and joy in watching and taking part in the nurturing of other’s souls. She sees how beautiful he is. She wants him to win his inner battles. She wants to be a part of this great battle.

She sees his behavior change from kind and loving, to mean and cruel, and believes she is watching an inner battle of self being waged. She wants him to win the good fight. She sees the worth of his soul, and feels the battle is worth the wages.

This loving, nurturing woman joins the man in his own personal battle as a loving friend and wife.

But she doesn’t understand his swift mood changes from kind to cruel, are not representative of an internal battle over self, but merely manipulative behaviors, designed to gain power over others.

He is not battling over self control, but dominating the souls and hearts of others.

In the end, she finds herself in a painful powerless position having lost herself serving him, loving him, sacrificing for him, in the illusion he will be moved by her love to win.

But their is no battle within him. His heart is not moved. There is no battle to be won. She will lose everything in a quest that never was.

And the devil will rejoice in the crumbling of another soul, that was once previously strong.

Her whole life, her great quest to save her husband, is nothing but a lie.

by Natalie Fleming

SOURCE

Verbal punches and brain changes

01 Friday Jul 2016

Posted by in Abuse, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Counselling, Emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Justice system and abuse, Narcissistic abuse, Neuroscience and abuse, Personal growth, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Psychopathology, Relationship abuse, Relationship advice, Spirituality, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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When someone delivers a physical blow, no one questions whether or not damage has been done to the victim, and no one tries to deflect the blame from the perpetrator. The bruises, scratches and broken bones are there for all to see.

Until relatively recently, abusers have been able to hide behind the smokescreen provided by the societal perception that ‘sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me’. Of course, verbal, psychological and emotional abuses go well beyond name-calling, and yet, victims of this most insidious and devastating form of abuse face an uphill battle when it comes to being taken seriously. Already in a depleted emotional and cognitive state, with energy levels at a lifetime low, they rarely have the wherewithal to pursue understanding, let alone deliverance, from their personal hell.

Legislation however, is beginning to catch up with the truth. There’s a long way to go yet but the first seeds have been sown, at least in my own county – Australia. Most other nations are lagging a long way behind.

But I’ll save the legislative changes for another post. Today, I want to shed a little light on what emotional/verbal abuse victims have known for millenia, and which is only now being backed up by the latest research from neuroscience. To put it in very plain English, recent studies have proved that the brain changes that occur as a result of physical abuse are exactly the same as the changes that occur as a result of emotional, verbal and psychological abuse. In other words, the source of the abuse doesn’t matter. The brain encodes it the same way, regardless. The bottom line is that all abuse is physical.

That means the long term effects are identical. Well … almost. It has also been established that only one form of abuse consistently leads to Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder(CPTSD). Surprisingly, it’s not sexual or physical abuse. It’s our old foe – emotional, psychological and verbal abuse. Although physical and sexual abuse are usually accompanied by emotional control and abuse, on their own they don’t lead to long term CPTSD. Emotional/verbal/psychological abuse however, is a reliable predictor of CPTSD without any other form of abuse being present. It’s a sobering thought, and something few therapists or authorities are aware of.

Knowledge is empowering. Spread the word.

 

Sources:

http://www.narcissismaddictionsabuse.com

https://www.psychologytoday.com

http://www.blueknot.org.au

More on Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in a future post.

 

 

 

Do Emotional Abusers Know What They’re Doing?

09 Saturday Jan 2016

Posted by in Abuse, Abuse victims, Controlling People, Counselling, Divorce, Emotional abuse, healing from emotional abuse, Love, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Psychopathology, Recovery from abuse, Relationship abuse, Relationship breakdown, Relationships, Tough love, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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Vampire girl

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

The short answer is, it depends. A true narcissistic personality is utterly conscious of the ways in which they are manipulating and hurting you. And they simply don’t care. More than that, it gives them pleasure, a sense of superiority and control. It is a big part of their psychopathology. Other abusers, who don’t score highly enough on narcissistic traits to be labelled with full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder, may simply be repeating patterns they learned in childhood and in subsequent relationships. I say ‘simply’, but the process via which it happens is far from simple, nor is it simple to unravel and to heal.

Mostly though, people don’t fit neatly into two separate categories – pathological abuser and ‘ordinary’ abuser, for instance. Personality traits aren’t ‘either/or’, but exist on a bipolar continuum, meaning they range from mild to severe, depending on the person, and also on the circumstances or environment in which that person acts. So…looking again at whether or not abusers do what they do purposefully…I can’t make that assessment for you, but may be able to help you fathom the answer as it relates to your personal situation.

On blogs and discussion groups you’ll find professionals and lay-people alike debating this question and coming out in favour of one side or the other. So how do you tell the difference?

  1. Look for the lies

If your partner consistently lies, chances are they are fully aware of what they’re doing. There is one school of thought that suggests narcissistic personalities are so adept at deceiving themselves, they actually believe their own lies. I have rarely witnessed this to be the case. There’s a reliable way of finding out, however.

If you catch them in a lie, bring it to their attention in a non-accusatory way. Simply state the truth and that you are aware you’ve been lied to. Then wait for the reaction.

The abuser who is aware she is lying will immediately go for the jugular – yours! It will be swift and brutal. (If you don’t keep your wits about you, you’ll be the one who ends up apologizing.) The response you get will likely have absolutely nothing to do with the point you’ve just made but will be something pulled out of thin air to deflect from their own guilt. They will, instead, hark back to the past and throw some perceived, and entirely irrelevant misdemeanor of yours in your face. And because you care about how they feel, you will likely take the bait. It’s a trip to hell.

2. Their body language and facial expression will reveal the truth.

Image from Springbrook - showing an ancient beech tree with twisted roots.

The cold, soulless eyes tell you all you need to know

There’s a phenomenon I have come across countless times during my discussions with targets of emotional abuse. There is something soulless about the eyes and expression of an abuser who clearly has sadistic tendencies. Their eyes will go black. Their facial expressions will be incredibly cold. There is something ‘frozen’ and reptilian about the face that looks back at you. You’ll feel chilled to the bone and very frightened, even if he/she has never laid a hand on you. Trust this instinct.

 

3. Your tears and genuine emotional pain will not move them.

This hardly needs explanation. If you find yourself genuinely in pain and trying to reason with your abuser, tears in your eyes, your heart breaking … and it fails to move them … they are very aware of what they’re doing. In the words of my own abuser, ‘I knew what I was saying and doing was wrong, and it wasn’t true … but I just wanted to stick it to you.’ He felt that was a perfectly reasonable explanation. I’ll go out on a limb here and disagree with numerous ‘experts’, many of whom have never experienced this first hand, and say it’s utterly inappropriate to excuse these people on the grounds that the poor things don’t have the capacity for empathy. Oh dear, isn’t it sad? They don’t have the capacity for intimacy. They’ll never really experience real love. While that may be true, abusers in this category don’t value things like intimacy – so they aren’t suffering at all. You are. And they don’t give a hoot.

 

The Bottom Line

Does it really matter if they’re aware of their effect on you, or not? You can’t change them. In fact, from the point of view of ‘tough love’, leaving them to it may give them the only chance they have of facing their demons and becoming better people. It’s not your job. Not your circus. Not your monkeys. The harder you try, the more you will fail. Narcissists already think you are in their lives for one reason only, and that is to make them the centre of your universe. The harder you try, the more you are feeding them what they want – the popular terminology for what you are to them is ‘narcissistic supply’. You are being sucked dry by an emotional vampire and therapists and researchers agree that the chances of positive change are very, very small.

Do you want to waste years of your life hoping for the unattainable?

An abuser hides his true ‘self’.

04 Saturday Jul 2015

Posted by in Abuse, Controlling People, Counselling, Emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Narcissistic abuse, Personal growth, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Psychopathology, Recovery from abuse, Relationship abuse, Relationships, Verbal abuse

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Disclaimer: I have used the masculine gender to describe an abuser in the title of this post for ease of writing. Throughout this post I have referred to both sexes by using the plural personal pronouns, ‘they’ ‘them’ or ‘their’ in recognition of the reality that women are also capable of abusing their loved ones.

One of the most common questions I hear is, ‘How can someone hide an abusive personality?

An abuser's mask

“-1360 Schreiberfigur anagoria” by Anagoria – Own work. Licensed under CC BY 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons.personality?’ In other words, how do we not see it coming? If these people are truly as ugly and cruel as we describe, why wasn’t that obvious from the beginning?

The truth is, abusers are highly skilled at hiding their pathological personalities. If they weren’t, they’d never secure employment, gain friends or even negotiate the grocery store without risking a punch up. Normal people would never put up with an abuser’s ‘real self’.

Psychologists use the terms ‘real self’ and ‘ideal self’ when discussing the development of personality. The real self is easy to understand – it is comprised of our actual, manifest personality traits as well as all the aspects that make up our character. The ideal self is that to which we aspire. It’s our inner concept of who we really want to be; what we want to become as we mature. If the real self is too far removed from the ideal self, we experience discomfort within our psyches. We become disappointed in who we are, and how we behave towards others and the environment. If the gap between the real self and the ideal self is too wide, it can result in significant psychopathology.

Most of us are aware when we’re not being honest with ourselves, and subsequently take action to address the imbalance. For those with high levels of narcissistic traits however, the ego is too fragile to accept the disappointing image in the mirror, so they turn away from it in order to create a false self to present to the world. In turning away from their inner reality, they deny its’ existence. In brief, they detest what they see; don’t have the courage to face and overcome it; and so construct a false self that is not only different from their real self, but also extreme in its virtue, cleverness, and sense of importance. They overcompensate for self-hate by constructing this superior facade. The mask they wear is painted with virtues like understanding, compassion, intelligence, responsibility, reliability, humour, kindness and worldly achievements. They often (though not always) walk among us as the pillars of society and our most socially responsible high achievers. Frequently, they are known as generous, benevolent souls outside their intimate circle.

When we meet them, they come highly recommended. Their bosses, coworkers and friends sing their praises. What we don’t know is that they are mentally scanning the room for their latest target, desperate for a source of narcissistic supply. After all, they can’t feel good about themselves until they can make someone else look and feel bad. That someone needs to be empathetic, compassionate, responsible and reliable – all the traits the abuser lacks. Abusers resent their victims, who are everything the abuser wants to be. That resentment quickly escalates to intense hatred.

Man flirting with woman

Image courtesy of photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

In the beginning, however, to hook the perfect target abusers need to be extremely careful not to let their masks slip. With an uncanny ‘nose’ for sniffing out potential sources of narcissistic supply, they can smell vulnerability the way a bloodhound tracks a scent. Through years of practice, they’ve become experts at discovering what makes you tick, what your hopes and dreams are, what you love and what you hate – the essence of who you are. They then have all the ammunition they need to hunt you down.

Where would you most like to travel to?’ ‘Really, the Netherlands? I can’t believe it – the Netherlands is next on my bucket list!

In this respect, abusers are chameleons. If you’re the unwitting victim, all you know is that suddenly you have met the one person in the world who understands you completely, who shares your hopes and dreams, and is aligned with your values. You can’t know that this person who is pursuing you so ardently is simply pretending to mirror your innermost thoughts, support your passions, love the same things you do and envision exactly the same ‘perfect’ future together. We don’t know we’ve been studied for a specific purpose and that our beloved is an expert at what he does. Dr Jekyll doesn’t have to think about becoming Mr Hyde. It happens as naturally as breathing.

During the wooing phase you’ll be ‘love-bombed’. That is, you’ll be pursued so passionately that before you know it, you’re addicted to this ‘love’. This phase is achieved by using the basic psychological principles of conditioning. You are relentlessly ‘rewarded’ at a rate that is not ‘normal’ in a normal population; and this creates an addictive emotional response within you. I will explain this process further in a subsequent post. For now, suffice to say that, once you’re successfully ‘addicted’ to abusers, then…and only then…will they drop their guard and reveal their real selves.

And you are in deep, deep water.

For an excellent and in-depth explanation of the complicated dynamics of abusive relationships, I highly recommend three books by Patrica Evans. I keep these books on my kindle and refer to them regularly. They have been extremely instrumental in my understanding and overcoming the effects of abuse. The book by Lundy Bancroft is often quoted as an extremely useful resource on numerous blogs on the topic of abuse. Click the images to take you to the Amazon store.

The Legal System Enables Abusers and punishes Abuse Victims

15 Friday May 2015

Posted by in Abuse, Abuse and legal issues, Abuse victims, Divorce, Divorce and property settlement, Emotional abuse, Injustice, Justice system and abuse, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Psychopathology, Relationships, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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Image of hammer and gavel

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You’d think the world would ‘get’ the message about victim bashing by now, wouldn’t you? But let me assure you…it does not. If you believe you’ll be able to stand tall in a court of law, tell the truth and be both vindicated and compensated because you have suffered what amounts to psychological torture, I must persuade you to think again.

Our justice system is not set up to pursue justice or truth. It is set up to reward those with the most resources, those who have no scruples, those who already believe they’re entitled to everything they want; those who assume their own superiority. In other words, the justice system is tailor-made for stroking the egos of abusers, falling for their lies, and handing their on a platter, the outcome they fully believes is their due.

Even worse is the fact that the legal system is also set up to punish those who

Image of a woman as a target.

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have the least resources; those who speak the truth and nothing but the truth, so help them God; those who assume every human being has equal value and the right to fair play. These, the victims, are putty in the hands of ruthless legal eagles, just as they were putty in the hands of their tormentors.

Believe me, I have walked the walk. There is  nothing pretty on that particular catwalk. Prepare to leave your dignity at the courtroom door, to suffer more humiliation as you hear lies and accusations leveled at you with such overwhelming confidence you can’t think straight – just as you couldn’t think straight during all those crazy-making conversations with your accuser; manipulated into believing you are both ‘bad’ and ‘mad’ by relentless gaslighting. (For an explanation of gaslighting, see my post on crazy-making behaviour here.)

The legal profession has a very high percentage of psychopathology among its ranks, far higher than in the normal population. They like nothing better than to band together with fellow ego-maniacs with the aim of screwing the little people. In court-cases in which abusers are involved, the victim is always ‘the little people’. Insignificant. Just listen to your abuser expound about all those years he worked towards putting his ‘wealth’ together and how you, his victim, are a money-grubbing gold digger who is mentally unhinged.

Abusers won’t bat an eye at the idea of lying under oath or signing their names to an affidavit that tears you, once-beloved, to utter shreds. You will be astounded at the number of lies that can be fitted on one page and at the manipulative spin put on every ‘story’ told. After all, it’s a divorce or property settlement case. Abusers can say whatever they want. No one is prosecuted for perjury under the family law act. It’s a free-for-all and your ex-partner will take full advantage of it; there are no external restraints on behaviour and abusers see no need to restrain themselves.

The only thing abusers can’t bear is being exposed for who they really are. Remove that possibility and place them in a courtroom where they are prepared to say and do anything to get what they want (to decimate you publicly and ensure you get nothing), fueled by their financial advantage and the status they’ve fabricated for the benefit of wooing the legal team, and you stand no chance.

I heard accusations from the registrar that had me reeling and it was only in retrospect that I was able to comprehend what had happened. My nemesis had spun such a convincing story of sacrificial martyrdom with a ‘hard few years’ behind him, who’d tried to give me everything I ever wanted only to be repaid by my ‘insanity’, using every trick of emotional blackmail in his repertoire. He said he was still devastated by the death of his first wife. For four years I had heard him say nothing but derogatory and defamatory things about her. She was psycho, he told me – a nutjob; crazy; frankly mad; controlling; without empathy; manipulative and a drug addict. He would sneer and snarl with every word. When I saw his head in his hands, his shoulders slumped, convincing the registrar of his sincerity by using his first wife’s suicide to garner sympathy, I knew I was beaten. The best I could do was exit with dignity.

My lawyer assured me I had the moral victory and that my ex-husband would always resent me for it.

Cold comfort. Cold, cold comfort as I sit here with my future in tatters.

Image of a woman's hands in chains

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He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

16 Monday Feb 2015

Posted by in Abuse, Boundaries, Controlling People, Divorce, Emotional abuse, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Psychopathology, Relationship breakdown, Relationships, Spirituality, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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multicoloured flower

A hundred shades of rage. Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net/Phisekit

Every abuse victim is intimately familiar with this phenomenon. One minute you’re on cloud nine, certain your relationship is on the mend, and swept off your feet (again) with words of adulation, undying love and devotion. He’ll buy you whatever you want, wine you, dine you, and soften you with gentle, sweet words of love and appreciation…but just when you think it’s safe to come out from under that protective shell of yours, the wining and dining turns to maligning. You are being abused yet again. The abuse cycle continues, ad infinitum.

And the switch will be shockingly sudden, brutal and devastating. This morning you were his ‘forever love’. This afternoon, you’re ‘a f…ing psycho’. And somewhere in the midst of this tirade your mind starts to bend. It’s bending to his will. It’s exactly where he wants this conversation to go.

But why? That’s the question on everyone’s lips. My first (and probably final) reaction is to say, ‘Who cares!’ No excuse is good enough, no delving into his past and uncovering his childhood issues will ever convince me he’s not doing this deliberately. It is utterly C-O-N-S-C-I-O-U-S. He is completely aware of what he is doing to you. That’s why he keeps doing it. It gives him a thrill to hurt you. Research shows that when the average person is angry…when they are arguing and yelling…their blood pressure and heart rate go up. That’s because it’s stressful for us average Joes and Joannas. Not so for your consummate abuser. For him or her, shouting at and intimidating another human being results in a blood-pressure and heart-rate drop. That’s right. It feels good. It calms them down. They’re in control again.

And control is what it’s all about.

That’s why he can peacefully put his head on the pillow beside you…and sleep so soundly…while you cannot. You toss…and turn…and agonize.

Don’t judge him by your own yardstick. The ‘raging’ is his elixir – the potion that feeds the Mr Hyde that ever lurks within him. A friend of mine described her abuser as ‘bipolar’. I understand why she feels this way – the sudden switch from one persona to another smacks of real mental illness. But her abuser has no such illness. His cognitive functioning is fine and dandy. He may be narcissistic in the extreme, or even a full-blown psychopath, but these are not true mental disorders. They are disorders of choice. They are diseases of the soul. The labels may appear in the DSM (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual used by psychiatrists and psychologists worldwide), but those who’ve studied the history behind the DSM understand that its main author was likely a narcissist himself. There’s a whole separate post to be written on that topic. I won’t address it here.

Someone who is Bipolar or Schizophrenic wants to get well. They want treatment. Not so the flawed being with high narcissistic traits. He doesn’t perceive his flaws at all. He’s enjoying the experience; the power trip. Why would he want to change? He doesn’t want to get better because he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with him. He’s too perfect for that.

Not everyone who engages in abuse fits into this category, but the proportion seems to be disturbingly high. There are those who can be enlightened by education, and those who cannot. There are those caught in the web of their own ignorance, their difficult pasts, and their erroneous thinking. There is hope for such as these. They react from their own pain. They get angry and express their anger abusively over issues that seem real to them. There will be triggers, associated with their own painful pasts…but there will not be the random, cold-blooded ‘switch’ from love to hate.

We need to know the difference.

Why does it take so long to get over a pathological partner?

20 Monday Oct 2014

Posted by in Abuse, Controlling People, Divorce, Emotional abuse, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Psychopathology, Relationship breakdown, Relationships, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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I’ve been fairly quiet online for a few weeks as I’m in the middle of very stressful legal proceedings. Attempting to sort out property settlement issues with a narcissist is a nightmare beyond your wildest imagination. Lies, manipulation, character assassination – check! Trying to fleece you of your entitlement – check! Blame and false accusations – too easy! I hope we’re now on the home strait so I can devolve myself of this cloying and still destructive relationship. The need to put it behind me is strong; in fact, so strong that I almost caved under the pressure to accept a very unfair settlement figure, just to rid my life (and soul) of the stress and uncertainty. However, that would be playing into his hands one final time – my curtain call as a doormat – and is, most assuredly, exactly what he wants.

I’ll keep you posted. From those of you who pray, I humbly ask for your prayers at this time. I keep many of you in my own prayers also as I read your blogs and contemplate the heartbreaking experiences you’ve been through, or are still going through. So many of you inspire and sustain me.

However, that’s not really what I started out to say today. As the title of this post suggests, it’s about why it takes so long to get over a pathological relationship. For me, it’s been a year since separation and I’m still caught in the web of lies, the vortex of confusion and the revisiting of self-doubt. I came across this excellent article on another site called Psychopath Free and wanted to share it with you all. The writer, who identifies as ‘Peace’ on the site forum, expresses the dynamics at play with clarity and compassion, and I found myself relating far too easily. To know that one is not alone, to experience that validation, is such an intrinsic part of our healing.

The article by ‘Peace’ follows: Continue reading →