Category Archives: Narcissism

Deflection: Such an Effective way to Invalidate you

10 Monday Oct 2022

Posted by in Abuse, Blog about abuse, Controlling People, Emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from emotional abuse, Indicators of narcissistic abuse, Narcissism, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Relationship advice, Relationships, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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Image of a brother and sister arguing, with one of them not listening and using a hand gesture to tell the other person to stop.
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net/artur84

The unwillingness to accept responsibility stems from a huge and fragile ego. It also stems from cowardice. Bullies and abusers are always cowards. They don’t have the intestinal fortitude to face the fact they’re culpable of any, and many, transgressions, and they’ll tear you apart at the slightest criticism, no matter how warranted.

It’s this unwillingness to take personal responsibility that leads abusers to use any, and sometimes, every form of psychological defense mechanism, with devastating effect on their prey.

One of the most maddening, confusing and stress-inducing of these defense mechanisms is ‘deflection’. By deflecting blame, especially in the heat of the moment, abusers throw their victims off course and turn the whole situation back on them.

You end up having to defend yourself against a barrage of cruel allegations that bear little resemblance to reality.

He’ll say, ‘What have you ever done for me?’ (Plenty, is my guess.)

He’ll snarl, ‘You lied about my kids.’ (You know you didn’t.)

He’ll stab his finger at you and yell, ‘It’s your fault my family wants nothing to do with us.’ (In truth, you’ve turned yourself inside out to bring about reconciliation and relationship, and copped a truckload of abuse from his family for your trouble.)

The fact that he doesn’t recognize the truth about you; the way you’ve been doing everything possible to foster a harmonious marriage and family, only to be brutally hit with accusations to the contrary, is really, really hurtful.

And you’ll feel desperate to defend yourself – to get him to see the truth. But he never will, because it doesn’t suit his narrative. Or perhaps, even more insidiously, he does know the truth but has only one goal in mind; to decimate you emotionally. To shut you down, silence you and avoid facing his own shortcomings. He knows he’s hurting you and he just keeps going, bludgeoning you verbally with more and more outlandish accusations, putting you in the position of having to prove him wrong.

One way to recognize if someone is employing this strategy against you is to ask yourself if you entered the discussion with one intention and then found that the discussion that needed to be had didn’t happen at all. The conversation was hijacked and taken in an entirely different direction. Did you want to talk about the way he belittled you in front of friends, for instance, but ended up talking about every little grievance he has against you? And most likely it will be the same list that comes up over and over again, whenever you try to breach a difficult subject. That too, is a clue. Over time, you should almost be able to predict what he’s going to blast you with.

You end up apologizing, don’t you? And begging for forgiveness? And just wanting the relentless verbal assault on your character to stop?

Heaven forbid that a conversation should ever revolve around your needs and not his!

I vividly recall finding myself in this dilemma time and again, and yet it took me years to pull apart what was really happening; to learn to recognize this deflection of blame while it was actually happening. Keeping a level head at these times is extremely challenging and yet, it’s essential if you’re ever going to extract yourself from the cycle of abuse. If you don’t clearly recognize what’s really happening, you can’t look it in the face for what it is…and reject it.

You can’t say ‘no’ with clarity, and walk away.

You have the right to speak your truth. A rational, mature person will be able to take that in their stride, even if speaking your truth brings up their faults and failings. They might feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, confused, sad, or even angry at first. But they will address the issue. They’ll be big enough to talk it through with you; to hear you. They will not silence you by attacking you and your vulnerabilities. And they will most certainly not turn the conversation back on you, making you the culprit.

It’s essential for you to recognize when this is happening – right in the midst of it. You need to call your accuser out. Tell them that what they’re saying has nothing to do with the issue at hand, and that you’re aware they’re sidestepping the problem by mentioning subjects that are totally irrelevant. They need to know that you know they’re not answering your questions, and that you’re aware they’re perpetuating a pattern that’s designed to ‘get them off the hook’. You need to insist on a rational, clear-headed response from them that is a direct response to your questions and grievances. If they’re not rational enough to do that, and abusers never are, then you need to turn your back and refuse to continue the conversation.

It’s breathtakingly difficult. Every raw nerve, every traumatic trigger will have been thrown in your face. You’ll want to defend yourself against all the irrelevant accusations, but you don’t need to. In fact, you shouldn’t even try. It’s just a game to them…an ugly, cruel game that’s fully intended to ensure you look like the bad guy, and they look like the long-suffering martyr.

All they want is to throw you off kilter so they don’t have to face their own short-comings. Don’t let them get away with it. Keep bringing them back to the point. If that doesn’t help, turn your back and exit the conversation.

If the pattern continues without abating, I suggest you think long and hard about exiting the relationship entirely. It may well be time to take back your sanity.

Fourth Indicator Of Narcissistic Abuse: The Flying Monkey Troupe

24 Monday Aug 2020

Posted by in Abuse, Abuse victims, Blog about abuse, Emotional abuse, Flying Monkeys, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Indicators of narcissistic abuse, Narcissism, Narcissistic abuse, Passive-aggressive abuse, Psychological abuse, Relationships, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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Who else thinks ‘The Wizard of Oz’ is one of the greatest screen classics of all time? Don’t you just love all those larger than life characters? Dorothy, Toto and that ragtag band of lovable misfits? Of course, the Wicked Witch of the West is beyond the pale when it comes to wickedness, and we didn’t really care, did we, when she started to melt? But is there anything truly more loathsome than her wretched flying monkeys?

Illustration by me

They mindlessly, seemingly without the power of thought (even the level of thought attributed to the lowliest of the higher primates), did the witch’s bidding. And they did it gleefully, brutally and without a shred of mercy or remorse. Nothing beats the malice of a flying monkey.

Undoubtedly, they were weak-willed and lacking in character and moral judgement. And, so it is with the troupes of ‘flying monkeys’ that encircle, and do the bidding of your run-of-the-mill, narcissistic, emotional and psychological abuser.

Fuelled by the (dubious and insincere) esteem of their master or mistress, they leap into the fray in ignorant defence of someone who very likely views them as inferior, expedient and easily manipulated. We can forgive them for being ignorant (I suppose) but not for being malicious. They have something to gain from their willingness to attack the real victims of abuse, as flimsy as those gains are in a rational and moral light. They gain strokes to their fragile egos; pats on their backs; ingratiating thanks and sickly compliments about how wonderful and faithful they are. They have already set your abuser up as a demi-god who can do no wrong and it’s far easier for them to believe it. There’s no need to think for themselves if they can simply place their trust in someone else – someone who has the confidence to present themselves as incredibly special and knowledgeable.

Truly, they walk among us, these flying monkeys, and they look just like you or me. Sometimes – more often than I care to remember – they are our friends and family. That’s why their attacks hurt so much. It’s also one reason they are ‘chosen’ by our abuser.

So, what is their role, these misguided and weak-willed beings, so lacking in insight?

As with every other strategy used by a controlling narcissist, their purpose is to undermine you; destroy your belief in yourself and your own reality; convince you that you are not the victim of abuse but the perpetrator; confuse you about what happened and what didn’t’; remove your sources of support by spreading the word of your ‘craziness’ amongst your social and family groups; and hit you relentlessly with cruel accusations. It’s one thing to take a ‘barb’ from one source. En masse it is soul destroying and very much a part of the ‘crazy-making’ agenda.

By this stage you’ve probably already been isolated from your entire support system. The narcissist and their flying monkeys may well be all you know. You’re alone and under attack.

I found myself in that position a decade ago. It destroyed my mental and emotional health and added a whole new dimension to my ever-present debilitating physical condition. I wish I could outline the details here, as real-life examples are so instructive, but I believe it would set me up for defamation charges, so I must hold off. Abusive people are perpetually indignant and ready to bring in the law when exposed for what they are. Truth is no defence.

The flying monkeys you encounter may not always be overtly abusive but beware of their covert attacks. They have an endless repertoire of reproachful looks, dramatic facial expressions of hurt, disbelief and disapproval, barely concealed whispers ‘behind your back’ (yet designed for you to be aware of), and are often gifted with spiteful innuendo. They’ll emulate their master’s/mistress’s penchant for protracted periods of the silent treatment. A concerted attack by a whole group will bring you to your knees. And they’ll kick you while you’re down.

Because they do such a large portion of the abuser’s dirty work (while the abuser slips under the public radar), they help to fuel the illusion that the abuser is actually squeaky clean. Innocent. It’s a neat trick. Deflection. Diffusion of responsibility.

It’s particularly insidious when an abusive individual enlists children to the role. Perhaps they are your stepchildren or even your own children who are being poisoned by an estranged spouse. These kids don’t yet have fully formed personalities, characters, morals or world views. They’re a piece of cake to manipulate, making them an attractive choice for your unscrupulous tormentor. They’re innocent pawns in a sick game.

Adults, however, are a different prospect. They are chosen for their inherent weaknesses. They need to be easily swayed, which means they’re intellectually lazy. They also need to obtain a measure of reward from hurting the victim (just as the perpetrator does). They undoubtedly love the drama of heightened emotions and the esteem derived from a pat on the back for a job well done by their puppet master. They lack moral fibre.

So, don’t listen to them. Don’t let them take up space in your head. On some deep level, possibly long buried, you still know who you are, what you believe in and what you stand for. Hold fast to that, and believe that one day, you’ll reclaim your authentic self.

Flying monkeys are cowards at heart. Stand strong but don’t try to fight them with rational words. They’re no more rational than instigator of the abuse. Turn your back. Laugh at them. Tell them they’re talking rubbish…and mostly, give them no sign that you are affected by their words and actions, even if you are affected at this moment. Fake it till you make it. It will reduce their power over you.

I’d like to say that they’ll eventually disappear from your life and leave your primary abuser to ‘gaslight’ you all by himself, but that’s unlikely to happen. I’ll tackle gaslighting in my next post. It’s the most devious, dangerous and cruel strategy of all. You need to be armed against it.

The Second Indicator of Narcissistic Abuse

17 Friday Jul 2020

Posted by in Abuse, Abuse victims, Blog about abuse, counseling, Emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Narcissism, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychopathology, Relationship abuse, Relationships, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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Arrogant businessman

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net/holohololand

They are the best, most popular, most interesting ‘everything’ and they have the best, most popular, most interesting ‘everything’. Everyone and everything else is inferior.

I confess this aspect of narcissists is particularly galling in that they actually have the gall to believe what they’re telling us, and they display a total lack of humility in the telling. I emotionally and physically recoil from the bold, unfounded claims of such unbridled egos. They raise my hackles. Perhaps someone in your life raises your hackles for similar reasons. We all like to feel good about ourselves but there’s a line most of us won’t cross; a line of decency and rational thinking. We are all flawed beings…unless we are narcissists.

I’ve heard such astounding claims as:

‘We were the most popular family in the whole school. We were always treated as though we’re special. People gave us things no-one else got.’ The earnest facial expression that accompanied this statement almost elicited an eyeroll from me, which would, of course had resulted in days of retribution from father (who aided and abetted the outrageous claims) and son alike, had I not checked myself.

‘I have the best music. The best!’ How I hated listening to that guy’s unique blend of Thai country music and heavy metal and, of course, he played it loud enough for the whole neighbourhood to hear, convinced we enjoyed it as much as he did. This fellow was also always ‘right’ about everything and he knew everything about something and something about everything. We’ll tackle that in my next post (Indicator number 3), as it’s a universal trait of narcissists.

‘I own expensive antiques.’ They were in such a state of filthy disrepair, they were, in fact, worth nothing.

‘I’m the well-calibrated one.’ (Naturally, I was the crazy one. There’s no way a narcissist will share his pedestal.)

‘I know I’m pretty.’ (Actually, that claim was debatable and was a surprise coming from a teenage girl, a group who are almost universally afflicted with a terrible self-consciousness and lack of faith in their own attributes.)

‘My children never lie.’ Translated to, ‘My children are perfect.’ They were also never rude, or unreasonable, or too loud or too sulky, or anything other than absolutely perfect. He wore their ‘perfection’ as a badge of his own superiority. (Poor kids, what chance did they have?)

ordinary house graphic‘My house is worth a million dollars.’ It wasn’t, and ended up selling for a lot less.

‘I did nothing wrong in my first marriage.’ Again, I’m perfect! The first wife, who suicided, might beg to differ, were she still around to tell her story.

‘I’m the teacher’s favourite.’ Cue in another almost-eyeroll. In case I sound as though I have no understanding or compassion for children, this young fellow was simply following in his father’s well-warn narcissistic footsteps and I was powerless to stop it. I waited for his words to be tempered by some wisdom from his father. It never came…because his father agreed with him, his son being perfect, after all. This is one way in which future narcissists are formed. (Are they born or are they bred? That’s a topic for a whole new post.)

‘I’m the best artist and I should have got the academic award for art, not him!’ This claim was fully supported by the speaker’s father who might have taken the opportunity to give a lesson in humility, or perhaps fairness and work ethic. Truth was, she was definitely a talented artist but she didn’t put in the work, and was simply trumped by someone who did.

‘Look around you, darling. We’re millionaires.’ A self-satisfied, smug, arrogant expression settled on his face when he made this claim, which was often over the years. You’ll probably notice a pattern developing by now and guess that we weren’t millionaires at all. You’d be right. Almost everything we owned was caught up in property; plus, neither of us was working (me, due to ill health, him, because he didn’t want to), so our funds were dwindling rapidly while he held onto his fantasy.

‘I haven’t lost my boyish good looks.’ I know people say such things in humour but this statement was made in complete seriousness. Another debatable claim.

‘I wasn’t appreciated at work. I worked harder than anyone else and I was good at it.’

‘Look at her. (His daughters, his nieces, his sisters). She’s so beautiful. She’s gorgeous! Perfect in every way. Look at her dress! Stunning!’ He would say this over and over and over, especially after a few too many drinks. There was something emotionally incestuous about it that made my skin crawl. Looking back, it was most likely due to his overwhelming need to ‘own’ perfect things; the best things, even if those ‘things’ were people.

Mercifully, my experiences have become a distant memory and now raise only a rye smile and a shake of my head. If you’re caught up with a narcissist, however, you’ll have your own unique story of your narcissist’s ‘perfection’ to tell. If you’ve ever deigned to disagree with their bold claims of superiority, you’ll remember their retaliation acutely. So acutely, I’m willing to guess, that you’ve dared not disagree again. Trying to hold a rational conversation with your tormentor about the reality of their situation, and of their dysfunctional ‘self-concept’ is always going to end in battle. And you will lose.

An out-sized ego will interpret any attempt to encourage self-reflection as a direct assault. They will feel attacked, and when they feel attacked, you already know how that ends for you.

We all have our blind spots and our little vanities but, if you’re living with someone who repeatedly claims the limelight and has no trouble articulating how magnificent they are, in every aspect of life, often enough to make you feel uncomfortable…trust those uncomfortable feelings.

Spend some time thinking about the ways in which your abuser claims bragging rights. Is it normal or over the top?

Are they the best at practically everything? Is their family perfect, even in the face of direct evidence to the contrary? Are they inordinately proud of their income, their home, their achievements, their children, their amazing contribution to every aspect of life? I would love to hear some of your stories.

Stay posted for Indicator Number 3: Narcissists know everything. They know something about everything and everything about something.