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Killing Me Softly: Emotional & Psychological Abuse

~ Now that physical abuse is in the limelight and punishable by law, abusers have resorted to more insidious forms of control. The effects are just as destructive, more enduring, and more difficult to overcome.

Category Archives: Passive-aggressive abuse

Fourth Indicator Of Narcissistic Abuse: The Flying Monkey Troupe

24 Monday Aug 2020

Posted by Melinda Jensen in Abuse, Abuse victims, Blog about abuse, Emotional abuse, Flying Monkeys, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Indicators of narcissistic abuse, Narcissism, Narcissistic abuse, Passive-aggressive abuse, Psychological abuse, Relationships, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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Controlling People, Counselling, Domestic Violence, Emotional and Psychological Abuse, Flying Monkeys, How to recognize abuse, Mobbing, Narcissism, narcissistic abuse, Psychology, Psychopathology, Relationship Problems

Who else thinks ‘The Wizard of Oz’ is one of the greatest screen classics of all time? Don’t you just love all those larger than life characters? Dorothy, Toto and that ragtag band of lovable misfits? Of course, the Wicked Witch of the West is beyond the pale when it comes to wickedness, and we didn’t really care, did we, when she started to melt? But is there anything truly more loathsome than her wretched flying monkeys?

Illustration by me

They mindlessly, seemingly without the power of thought (even the level of thought attributed to the lowliest of the higher primates), did the witch’s bidding. And they did it gleefully, brutally and without a shred of mercy or remorse. Nothing beats the malice of a flying monkey.

Undoubtedly, they were weak-willed and lacking in character and moral judgement. And, so it is with the troupes of ‘flying monkeys’ that encircle, and do the bidding of your run-of-the-mill, narcissistic, emotional and psychological abuser.

Fuelled by the (dubious and insincere) esteem of their master or mistress, they leap into the fray in ignorant defence of someone who very likely views them as inferior, expedient and easily manipulated. We can forgive them for being ignorant (I suppose) but not for being malicious. They have something to gain from their willingness to attack the real victims of abuse, as flimsy as those gains are in a rational and moral light. They gain strokes to their fragile egos; pats on their backs; ingratiating thanks and sickly compliments about how wonderful and faithful they are. They have already set your abuser up as a demi-god who can do no wrong and it’s far easier for them to believe it. There’s no need to think for themselves if they can simply place their trust in someone else – someone who has the confidence to present themselves as incredibly special and knowledgeable.

Truly, they walk among us, these flying monkeys, and they look just like you or me. Sometimes – more often than I care to remember – they are our friends and family. That’s why their attacks hurt so much. It’s also one reason they are ‘chosen’ by our abuser.

So, what is their role, these misguided and weak-willed beings, so lacking in insight?

As with every other strategy used by a controlling narcissist, their purpose is to undermine you; destroy your belief in yourself and your own reality; convince you that you are not the victim of abuse but the perpetrator; confuse you about what happened and what didn’t’; remove your sources of support by spreading the word of your ‘craziness’ amongst your social and family groups; and hit you relentlessly with cruel accusations. It’s one thing to take a ‘barb’ from one source. En masse it is soul destroying and very much a part of the ‘crazy-making’ agenda.

By this stage you’ve probably already been isolated from your entire support system. The narcissist and their flying monkeys may well be all you know. You’re alone and under attack.

I found myself in that position a decade ago. It destroyed my mental and emotional health and added a whole new dimension to my ever-present debilitating physical condition. I wish I could outline the details here, as real-life examples are so instructive, but I believe it would set me up for defamation charges, so I must hold off. Abusive people are perpetually indignant and ready to bring in the law when exposed for what they are. Truth is no defence.

The flying monkeys you encounter may not always be overtly abusive but beware of their covert attacks. They have an endless repertoire of reproachful looks, dramatic facial expressions of hurt, disbelief and disapproval, barely concealed whispers ‘behind your back’ (yet designed for you to be aware of), and are often gifted with spiteful innuendo. They’ll emulate their master’s/mistress’s penchant for protracted periods of the silent treatment. A concerted attack by a whole group will bring you to your knees. And they’ll kick you while you’re down.

Because they do such a large portion of the abuser’s dirty work (while the abuser slips under the public radar), they help to fuel the illusion that the abuser is actually squeaky clean. Innocent. It’s a neat trick. Deflection. Diffusion of responsibility.

It’s particularly insidious when an abusive individual enlists children to the role. Perhaps they are your stepchildren or even your own children who are being poisoned by an estranged spouse. These kids don’t yet have fully formed personalities, characters, morals or world views. They’re a piece of cake to manipulate, making them an attractive choice for your unscrupulous tormentor. They’re innocent pawns in a sick game.

Adults, however, are a different prospect. They are chosen for their inherent weaknesses. They need to be easily swayed, which means they’re intellectually lazy. They also need to obtain a measure of reward from hurting the victim (just as the perpetrator does). They undoubtedly love the drama of heightened emotions and the esteem derived from a pat on the back for a job well done by their puppet master. They lack moral fibre.

So, don’t listen to them. Don’t let them take up space in your head. On some deep level, possibly long buried, you still know who you are, what you believe in and what you stand for. Hold fast to that, and believe that one day, you’ll reclaim your authentic self.

Flying monkeys are cowards at heart. Stand strong but don’t try to fight them with rational words. They’re no more rational than instigator of the abuse. Turn your back. Laugh at them. Tell them they’re talking rubbish…and mostly, give them no sign that you are affected by their words and actions, even if you are affected at this moment. Fake it till you make it. It will reduce their power over you.

I’d like to say that they’ll eventually disappear from your life and leave your primary abuser to ‘gaslight’ you all by himself, but that’s unlikely to happen. I’ll tackle gaslighting in my next post. It’s the most devious, dangerous and cruel strategy of all. You need to be armed against it.

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The First Indicator of Narcissistic Abuse

03 Friday Jul 2020

Posted by Melinda Jensen in Abuse victims, Blog about abuse, Counselling, Emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Indicators of narcissistic abuse, Passive-aggressive abuse, Psychological abuse, Relationships, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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mahir-uysal-asHiWQGUPhU-unsplashI’d intended to write a succinct post about the ‘ten indicators you’re in a relationship with a narcissistic abuser’. After some reflection, however, I’ve decided that’s far too trite a way to treat the subject and that each indicator, whether it be number ten, twelve or forty-three, needs to be broken down and discussed in detail. There are enough short, snappy ‘bites’ out there on the internet to whet anyone’s appetite on the subject. When you’re deep in the labyrinth of narcissistic, psychological and emotional abuse, however… you need so much more.

Abuse is not trite. It is not a flippant or easily understood phenomenon. If you’re in its grips, you need detail, time to absorb that detail, and some guideposts out of the darkness. You need to feel ‘heard’ and ‘understood’. You need to know you’re not alone. You need…more than a list.

So, let’s begin slowly and I’ll do my best to walk you through the details and help you find a way forward.

Does someone in your life fly off the handle at the slightest criticism? And is it invariably your fault?

caricaature of angry man

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.com/

 

This is a big warning sign you may be in the clutches of an abusive, controlling personality, one that may have, at its core, a huge sense of entitlement. A balanced personality understands we’re not perfect, we all make mistakes and sometimes it’s appropriate for others to point out these faults and request change. We may not like it and sometimes we might bristle and feel hurt, but we won’t lash out with a tirade of abuse or with days of passive aggressive silent treatment, at least not often.

An abusive person with an overabundance of narcissism however, will lash out regularly and brutally, so much so you’ll find yourself constantly walking on eggshells, waiting with a sick, sinking feeling in your gut for the next cruel verbal, or even physical outburst. You are, in fact, hypervigilant. This may be so much a part of your life you believe it’s normal. It’s not. It’s a highly dysfunctional, unhealthy way to live and the stress will likely lead to both physical and psychological/emotional illness, if it hasn’t already. Don’t let this continue to be your normal, as hard as it must be to wrap your head around how things could ever be different. Perhaps it’s been this way for so long, you don’t know any other way to live. I feel your pain acutely. This was once my normal, too.

One of the most baffling aspects of that time in my life is that the majority of the ‘criticism’ for which my abuser rounded on me, were imagined slights. I never knew when a word, a joke, a question or observation, or a mere ‘look on my face’ would trigger an attack out of nowhere. The harder I tried to monitor my every word and movement, the more sudden and frequent the attacks became. He was simply screwing the vice tighter and tighter, not wanting me to wriggle free of its grip. It was as if he truly hated me instead of loving me as much as he avowed he did. It didn’t feel like love. I knew that but assumed it was my fault. If he was so certain everything was my fault, and confidently, loudly told me so time and again, then surely it must be my fault.

Sound familiar? Are you nodding your head and silently saying, ‘Yeah, me too’?

There were many times I literally couldn’t figure out the reason for his sudden rages. He would be happy and joking one minute, wild-eyed and furious the next. What had I done? I’d spend hours, sometimes days wracking my brains to unearth a sane explanation for his latest ambush. The shock tactics were all part of the strategy. If the ‘enemy’ attacks you from behind, you expect it. You don’t expect it from someone you believe loves you. And so it goes, round and round, for months and years and sometimes decades.

If this is happening to you, please stop trying to unravel a rational explanation for your abuser’s actions. The truth is, controlling and abusive people don’t think rationally the way stable people do. Their mindset and world-view are simply not rational. Trying to see the logic in their thinking is a ticket straight to a psych ward where your stay may be protracted. It will literally drive you mad because that’s exactly what it’s intended to do. Your abuser wants you to look like the crazy one because that affirms his/her place as the well-calibrated, long-suffering martyr. It helps preserve their thin veneer of superiority.

I’ll leave you to digest my words for today and tackle the next ‘red flag’ over the coming days. If you are struggling with this issue and would like further information and support, please contact me via the contact form on this website.

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The Warrior Muse is Back

25 Thursday Jun 2020

Posted by Melinda Jensen in Abuse, Abuse condoned by the church, Abuse victims, Blog about abuse, Christianity and abuse, Christianity and domestic violence, Emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, Narcissistic abuse, Passive-aggressive abuse, politics, australia, Psychological abuse, Recovery from abuse, Uncategorized

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It’s been a while…far too long…since I’ve posted anything significant in ‘Killing Me Softly.’ At some point, I’ve gradually entered a comfort zone. A safe zone. At which point, my soul and spirit have felt free and unfettered. And then…another turning point…which didn’t take place in an instant, but over months. Months of reflection and confusion. Life has changed, as it is bound to do, for better or for worse. Mine changed for the better in recent years, as I have cast off the shackles of narcissistic abuse and control…and I basque in this peace, consolation and freedom. Who’d have thought, way back then? Who’d have thought that I might have freed myself from a narcissistic and abusive relationship…only to find that beyond that milestone, lay others, equally complex, yet I confess, far less painful?

I have reached a point where I can unequivocally say…all changes are beneficial, if we delve deep enough to find the nuggets of truth. In the words of Viktor Frankl, philosopher, psychiatrist and World War II concentration camp survivor, ‘Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.‘ Even if the only choice left to us is how we choose to die. Do we do so with grace and dignity? Or not?

As I recall, from my reading of Viktor Frankl’s publication, ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’, he encountered people at all points on the spectrum during the time he spent shuffled between four different concentration camps in Nazi Germany. He encountered those who fought over, and killed for, the last scrap of food, and those who gave their last scrap of food away, only to die of starvation. In the end, it is always a choice.

And so it is for narcissists. They are no more exempt from conscious choice than the rest of us. They would just have us believe it is so…that they are victims of circumstances so ‘special’, and of intelligence and value so unique, that they are exempt from moral responsibility. Don’t buy the lie. These are lazy, self-centered, cruel and vicious human beings (if they are indeed, fully human), utterly devoid of empathy and social responsibility. Their world exists only to serve them. They make gods of themselves, and sadly we find them at the helm of far too many religious organizations; far too many families and far too many political parties. Narcissism has risen tenfold in as many years.

They are yesterday’s despots, yesterday’s tyrants. They are today’s mainstream leaders in all walks of life. Don’t buy the lie.

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The Question on Everyone’s Lips: Why do victims stay so long?

11 Saturday Nov 2017

Posted by Melinda Jensen in Abuse, Abuse victims, Blog about abuse, Controlling People, Counselling, Emotional abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Narcissistic abuse, Oppression of women, Passive-aggressive abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Psychopathology, Recovery from abuse, Relationship abuse, Relationship breakdown, Stockholm Syndrome, The Silent Treatment, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse, Why abuse victims don't leave, Why abuse victims stay so long

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Abuse, blog, Counseling, Domestic Violence, Mental Health, Narcissism, Personal Development, Psychology, Relationships, self harm, Stockholm Syndrome, Trauma bond, Why abuse victims don't leave, Why abuse victims stay so long, Writing

sinking woman, koratmember

Image courtesy of koratmember at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

To those who’ve been in psychological and emotional captivity to an abusive partner, spouse or parent, the answer is abundantly clear. It’s complicated but obvious; yet far from obvious to outside observers.

Even those who know us well and have watched us struggle, find our actions inexplicable. We try to explain, we really do. But even to ourselves, the words sound hollow and illogical.

And so we clam up, feeling judged and misunderstood. And lonely…desperately lonely. In the short term, that’s probably all we can do. It takes time – a long time – for us to understand ourselves, and our situations, sufficiently to articulate the truth. In the meantime, until we find the strength to leave the abuser once and for all, friends and family often drop off like lemmings from a cliff, leaving us without much-needed support and encouragement. And that’s all part of our abuser’s grand plan.

I was lucky. I have two epic daughters and a strong mother. They didn’t quite understand but they were accepting and unswervingly supportive.

angry man

Image courtesy of saphatthachat at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

But by and large, I was isolated for over three years from every one of my former friends, and from most of my wider family. There were even attempts to alienate me from my eldest daughter and two grandchildren. Not only was my abuser angry, loud and frightening when my grandchildren came to stay with me, as they’d done since they were tiny, but his own children carried out their own sniper attacks while I was sleeping. (Read my post about flying monkeys here.)

 

My grandchildren would invariably leave, after a weekend spent with me, (once peaceful and serene), so distressed that my daughter no longer allowed them to visit. So I made the 45 minute drive into town to spend time with them whenever time and energy allowed – which wasn’t nearly often enough. I was kept far too busy jumping through hoops to avoid the backlash of my abuser’s anger. As you can see, the ways an abuser isolates his victims from their support network is, by no means, always obvious. More frequently, it’s a covert operation.

And I was sick; so desperately sick with a chronic illness I’d battled for nearly two decades. And let’s not forget that abusers target the ill; the vulnerable. (Note: All of us who are, by nature, compassionate and caring, are hence, vulnerable.)

So that’s reason number 1: We no longer have family and friends to turn to. No one knows what’s going on. No-one believes us when we tell them.

Let me tell you, it’s quite possible to be driven, quite literally, mad. I know, because that’s the state in which I found myself one September. Utterly bereft. Utterly confused. Utterly without any knowledge of or belief in my own reality.

You started out as quite normal. It’s normal to enter relationships with a healthy outlook that assumes shared power; shared responsibility; shared decision-making; shared affection. Everything is mutual and equal. THAT is normal.

THAT’S what you expected, as we all should. But that’s not what happens in abusive relationships.

Instead, you’re manipulated from the outset…subtly at first, and then, when you’re broken in (and broken), the abuse becomes blatant. But by then, you don’t trust yourself. Your reality is skewed. You no longer remember who you truly are. Before long, you can’t answer simple questions about yourself, like, ‘What’s your favourite colour?’

It’s all part of the plan. THEIR plan.

I’ve written in other posts about ‘crazy-making behaviour‘. Let me recap on one of an abuser’s major weapons – Gaslighting.

The movie, ‘Gaslight’ is a golden oldie, starring Ingrid Bergman (as the victim) and Charles Boyer (as the perpetrator). (As a bonus, a young Angela Lansbury makes her debut appearance!) Despite seeming a bit cheesy due to the era, it’s well worth a watch. If you’ve been abused, it will make your hairs stand on end.

To explain briefly, to gaslight someone is to set up certain conditions, and then deny they ever happened. All the while, the ‘gaslighter’ is coupling his or her denials with declarations of love, concern and undying affection, which creates a powerful emotional conditioning. Let me draw a parallel from my own experience.

My neurological condition is known for its cognitive difficulties. During times of stress and illness exacerbation, I rely on written lists; and when I really need to remember something important, I make an extra effort to commit it to long-term memory. I’ve been doing this for around 20 years now and although I still have momentary lapses, by and large, I’ve trained my memory to work fairly well.

Unfortunately, like all abusers, my tormentor seized on this vulnerability and used it against me. Relentlessly. We’d make joint decisions, during which he would seem perfectly agreeable and then I’d wake up the next morning to be told the conversations had never taken place. But also, of course, that he ‘understood’ because ‘poor me’, I have such cognitive difficulties…and he loved me anyway, despite how difficult I was. His performance was worthy of an Oscar and I fell for it over and over, with each episode becoming more and more cruel.

He started to drop the I love you‘s and began to look at me sidelong, like a snake, as if I were filth beneath his martyred feet. By that time, I doubted my own sanity and he openly told me I was f..ing psycho; the crazy one etc. When I stood my ground and opposed him, he became cold, callous and calculating; interspersed with every aggressive and passive-aggressive tactic he could pull out of his bag of psychopathic tricks.

Coupled with all the other modes of abuse and control, I found myself doubting my own sense of reality. It tipped me over the edge. By that time, I felt crazy. And then, of course, he used that against me. The spiral into the abyss of madness was swift and terrifying.

And that’s reason number 2: We reach a point where we no longer trust ourselves or our own reality. If we believe we’re crazy, we also believe we can’t cope on our own; and so we stay with the person who has driven us out of our minds.

And if you fall into this trap? (How can we not?) If you believe you’re not quite sane? What do you do? You cling desperately to the abuser who has deliberately…callously…manipulated your reality to fit his own ends. He wants you to believe HIM (or HER); and so give up on yourself. Who are you then? What do you know? Who and what do you trust?

Remember, family and friends have already disappeared one by one.

And so the trauma bond becomes complete. You have no choice (because your judgment and sanity have been taken from you) but to put all your trust in the only person left to look after you – your abuser.

You may have heard of Stockholm Syndrome. If not, here’s the lowdown:

It’s a psychological phenomenon that is frequently displayed by:

  • Abused Children
  • Battered/Abused Women
  • Prisoners of War
  • Cult Members
  • Incest Victims
  • Criminal Hostage Situations
  • Concentration Camp Prisoners
  • Controlling/Intimidating Relationships

It’s characterized by an intense emotional bond that forms between those who hold all the power in a situation and their victims, who hold no power whatsoever. It’s a survival strategy that makes no sense to an outside observer but perfect sense from a psychological perspective. It actually enhances the chances of survival for victims. Unfortunately, it also diminishes the likelihood a victim will leave an abusive situation because:

  • Victims have been powerfully conditioned to show feelings of love, cooperation, appeasement and admiration for their abusers. If they don’t, they will be punished severely, either physically, emotionally, psychologically, sexually, financially…or all of the above.
  • If victims depend solely on the abuser for sustenance (from food, shelter and clothing to human contact, affection, social interaction and validation), a ‘sick’ loop forms wherein victims are inordinately grateful for the tidbits tossed from the masters table.
  • This gratitude and ‘good behaviour’ result from time to time, but not always (just to keep us on our toes), in magnanimous gestures from our captors – maybe a whole day of relaxed conversation, free from verbal and psychological attacks; maybe some tender caresses and dove-eyed smiles instead of the habitual silent treatment and snake-eyed glares; perhaps even a leave-pass to see a friend. And so we walk on eggshells, trained like a terrified dog who, beaten brutally by his master, still wags his tail and follows that master faithfully wherever he goes.

Sad dog

Image courtesy of Patrisyu at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

To learn more about the origins of the term Stockholm Syndrome, visit this link:

Stockholm Syndrome: Counseling Resources

In a nutshell though, the trauma bond – often referred to as Stockholm Syndrome is the third and probably most powerful reason victims of abuse just CAN’T escape their bondage.

 

There are other reasons victims stay with their abusers for far too long that are a little easier to comprehend.

We’re plain scared! Having been punished beyond all proportion for our imagined misdeeds, we know full well the extent of the backlash we’ll receive if we do leave. Some of us have been threatened physically; others have had children threatened; for others it’s been the threat of a smear campaign that promises to destroy our futures.

So, reason number 4 is that we’re just plain terrified!

And because our abuser has almost certainly held the financial reins and likely either destroyed our careers by covert means or ‘persuaded’ us not to work for any number of selfish reasons … we’re broke! We have no money and nowhere to go. We’re likely sick and debilitated; left without the capacity or skills to regroup, find work and establish ourselves financially..

So, that’s another reason we stay. We’re broke! We have no capacity for work and nowhere safe to go. That’s reason number 5 in a nutshell.

This list is far from definitive but I hope it gives an insider glimpse into that baffling question – Why on earth would you stay with such a monster?

From the perspective of an abuse victim, the decision to stay seems like a logical one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Passive Aggressive Abuse – The Silent Treatment

19 Friday Aug 2016

Posted by Melinda Jensen in Abuse, Blog about abuse, Controlling People, counseling, Emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Passive-aggressive abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Relationship advice, Relationships, The Silent Treatment, Uncategorized

≈ 14 Comments

ID-10044280

(Image courtesy of Ambro at FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

There is no more effective way to let someone know how little you mean to them than to use your silence. If you want to cut someone to the quick, simply don’t respond when they implore you for understanding or explanation. Walk away from their tears. Turn your back on their pain. Or better still, pretend to listen and respond appropriately, then disappear out of someone’s life, either permanently or temporarily.

Make no mistake about it, neglect and the silent treatment are highly effective and particularly cruel forms of emotional abuse. Trying to pinpoint why you feel so utterly crushed when someone treats you this way is like chasing phantoms in the dark – you’re not really sure what you’re looking for or why it hurts so much. On the surface, you’re reacting to ‘nothing’. The person hasn’t yelled at you, called you names, belittled you or intimidated you in any tangible way. If you complain about their treatment, it will be turned back on you.‘What do you mean? I haven’t done anything! You’re the one with the problem.’ Or you will simply be treated to more silence.

And it’s easy to convince you that you are, in fact, the one to blame. Trust me, you’re not.

So what constitutes the Silent Treatment?

  1. Not responding to your reasonable emotional needs.

  2. Walking away from you when you try to address an issue.

  3. Saying yes, but doing the opposite.

  4. Ignoring phone calls and text messages.

  5. Often accompanied by tears and reproachful looks or …

  6. alternatively, intimidating you with an angry glare.

  7. And, of course, simply not speaking to you, especially when you make it clear that you really need to dialogue.

 

The method a perpetrator employs depends on his or her unique personality and behaviour pattern. In the ‘good old days’, men would bury their heads in a newspaper while their wives tried everything they could to get some interaction. These days, people bury themselves in their work or engross themselves in computer games (therefore living a virtual reality while avoiding their true reality). Some hide themselves in a bottle of whiskey. Others busy themselves with friends and other activities. The one thing they all have in common is that their coping mechanism is avoidance. Avoidance of you, the person they supposedly love; avoidance of conflict; avoidance of the issues they have; and most of all, avoidance of who they really are. It’s easier to avoid you than to face whatever demons lurk within their souls. It’s easier to slay a virtual dragon than to fight the good fight in the real world.

If you’re confused about whether or not to be angry when you’re on the receiving end of this form of passive aggression … because, as I’ve already mentioned, you haven’t copped any overt abuse … remember this:

 

A decision to not take action is still a decision … and still an action.

The choice to not act is still a choice … and still an action.

Not taking action when action is required is still a conscious act.

 

The silent treatment is the dagger used by cowards.

 

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