Tag Archives: Psychology

Fourth Indicator Of Narcissistic Abuse: The Flying Monkey Troupe

24 Monday Aug 2020

Posted by in Abuse, Abuse victims, Blog about abuse, Emotional abuse, Flying Monkeys, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Indicators of narcissistic abuse, Narcissism, Narcissistic abuse, Passive-aggressive abuse, Psychological abuse, Relationships, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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Who else thinks ‘The Wizard of Oz’ is one of the greatest screen classics of all time? Don’t you just love all those larger than life characters? Dorothy, Toto and that ragtag band of lovable misfits? Of course, the Wicked Witch of the West is beyond the pale when it comes to wickedness, and we didn’t really care, did we, when she started to melt? But is there anything truly more loathsome than her wretched flying monkeys?

Illustration by me

They mindlessly, seemingly without the power of thought (even the level of thought attributed to the lowliest of the higher primates), did the witch’s bidding. And they did it gleefully, brutally and without a shred of mercy or remorse. Nothing beats the malice of a flying monkey.

Undoubtedly, they were weak-willed and lacking in character and moral judgement. And, so it is with the troupes of ‘flying monkeys’ that encircle, and do the bidding of your run-of-the-mill, narcissistic, emotional and psychological abuser.

Fuelled by the (dubious and insincere) esteem of their master or mistress, they leap into the fray in ignorant defence of someone who very likely views them as inferior, expedient and easily manipulated. We can forgive them for being ignorant (I suppose) but not for being malicious. They have something to gain from their willingness to attack the real victims of abuse, as flimsy as those gains are in a rational and moral light. They gain strokes to their fragile egos; pats on their backs; ingratiating thanks and sickly compliments about how wonderful and faithful they are. They have already set your abuser up as a demi-god who can do no wrong and it’s far easier for them to believe it. There’s no need to think for themselves if they can simply place their trust in someone else – someone who has the confidence to present themselves as incredibly special and knowledgeable.

Truly, they walk among us, these flying monkeys, and they look just like you or me. Sometimes – more often than I care to remember – they are our friends and family. That’s why their attacks hurt so much. It’s also one reason they are ‘chosen’ by our abuser.

So, what is their role, these misguided and weak-willed beings, so lacking in insight?

As with every other strategy used by a controlling narcissist, their purpose is to undermine you; destroy your belief in yourself and your own reality; convince you that you are not the victim of abuse but the perpetrator; confuse you about what happened and what didn’t’; remove your sources of support by spreading the word of your ‘craziness’ amongst your social and family groups; and hit you relentlessly with cruel accusations. It’s one thing to take a ‘barb’ from one source. En masse it is soul destroying and very much a part of the ‘crazy-making’ agenda.

By this stage you’ve probably already been isolated from your entire support system. The narcissist and their flying monkeys may well be all you know. You’re alone and under attack.

I found myself in that position a decade ago. It destroyed my mental and emotional health and added a whole new dimension to my ever-present debilitating physical condition. I wish I could outline the details here, as real-life examples are so instructive, but I believe it would set me up for defamation charges, so I must hold off. Abusive people are perpetually indignant and ready to bring in the law when exposed for what they are. Truth is no defence.

The flying monkeys you encounter may not always be overtly abusive but beware of their covert attacks. They have an endless repertoire of reproachful looks, dramatic facial expressions of hurt, disbelief and disapproval, barely concealed whispers ‘behind your back’ (yet designed for you to be aware of), and are often gifted with spiteful innuendo. They’ll emulate their master’s/mistress’s penchant for protracted periods of the silent treatment. A concerted attack by a whole group will bring you to your knees. And they’ll kick you while you’re down.

Because they do such a large portion of the abuser’s dirty work (while the abuser slips under the public radar), they help to fuel the illusion that the abuser is actually squeaky clean. Innocent. It’s a neat trick. Deflection. Diffusion of responsibility.

It’s particularly insidious when an abusive individual enlists children to the role. Perhaps they are your stepchildren or even your own children who are being poisoned by an estranged spouse. These kids don’t yet have fully formed personalities, characters, morals or world views. They’re a piece of cake to manipulate, making them an attractive choice for your unscrupulous tormentor. They’re innocent pawns in a sick game.

Adults, however, are a different prospect. They are chosen for their inherent weaknesses. They need to be easily swayed, which means they’re intellectually lazy. They also need to obtain a measure of reward from hurting the victim (just as the perpetrator does). They undoubtedly love the drama of heightened emotions and the esteem derived from a pat on the back for a job well done by their puppet master. They lack moral fibre.

So, don’t listen to them. Don’t let them take up space in your head. On some deep level, possibly long buried, you still know who you are, what you believe in and what you stand for. Hold fast to that, and believe that one day, you’ll reclaim your authentic self.

Flying monkeys are cowards at heart. Stand strong but don’t try to fight them with rational words. They’re no more rational than instigator of the abuse. Turn your back. Laugh at them. Tell them they’re talking rubbish…and mostly, give them no sign that you are affected by their words and actions, even if you are affected at this moment. Fake it till you make it. It will reduce their power over you.

I’d like to say that they’ll eventually disappear from your life and leave your primary abuser to ‘gaslight’ you all by himself, but that’s unlikely to happen. I’ll tackle gaslighting in my next post. It’s the most devious, dangerous and cruel strategy of all. You need to be armed against it.

The Third Indicator of Narcissistic Abuse

30 Thursday Jul 2020

Posted by in Abuse, Abuse victims, Blog about abuse, Emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Indicators of narcissistic abuse, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Relationships, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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Narcissists know everything. They know something about everything and everything about something. And there’s simply nothing they know nothing about. They are never wrong and you’d better not forget it.

Once again, the unbridled ego of the true narcissist shines through in all its questionable glory. Most of us are truly baffled when we first encounter this persistent narcissistic trait. The statements that issue from the mouths (and pens) of narcissists are uttered with such complete confidence that we automatically question our own knowledge-base and experience. We doubt our own intellect. The average person is usually willing to consider new points of view and to modify their own attitudes in the face of new information.  So, we give people the benefit of the doubt and wait patiently for an intelligent discussion about the topic at hand.

When a narcissist presents this new ‘information’, however, they present it without a shred of evidence, but rather, with sweeping statements about their own expertise in the area. They just ‘know’. Yes, they’re quite ‘certain about it’. No, we needn’t worry about this possibility or that nuance because the narcissist has got it covered. He’s thought it all through already and we needn’t worry our pretty little heads about such things. He worked in the industry for years and is quite simply, an expert. We don’t know his background, of course. We’re simply expected to take his word, just as we were expected to take his word on other topics, like environmental concerns, tree-felling, child-rearing, Asian culture, Buddhism, photography, running of corporations, how to fix just about everything, engineering, medical procedures, the cosmos, origins of the universe, true spirituality and the God particle.

My art, my face when listening to a narcissistic know it all

My face in the company of a narcissistic know-it-all. Original artwork by me.

‘I’ve built roads before. I know all about their construction and the materials used. So, let me take charge of the project and elect me as chairman of the committee and I’ll get things done!’

And that’s the crux of it. They want you to hand over your power and self-efficacy – to them. They feed off it. And so, they manipulate your trust, goad you with smiles and promises, and dazzle you with their (generally fictitious and at least, highly exaggerated) ‘expert’ backgrounds.

(At this point the flying monkeys will be nodding their heads seriously and expressing their extreme gratitude for the aptitude and competence of the speaker, relieved to leave everything in his or her hands. It’s truly a wonder to behold – and we’ll take an in-depth look at the ‘Flying Monkey Phenomenon’ in my next post.)

Confidence is an attractive trait and it’s not surprising people are drawn to more confident people. As with all traits, a narcissist takes this one too far, however. It’s not a characteristic they truly embody but is part of their mask, their persona. They put it on like a superhero’s cape and when they flourish it, some of us tend to swoon. We’re caught in the web of deceit by a mere confidence trick.

It’s important to keep a rational head in the face of this particular dilemma. It’s tempting just to go along with the schemes presented and take the speaker at his word. It saves us doing some thinking and investigating for ourselves and it also saves us from the uncomfortable proposition of having to confront the speaker with his or her ‘error’. Hell hath no fury like a narcissist outed!

It’s not easy – and I would argue, often impossible – to hold on to your intellectual rigour when you’re closely involved with a covert narcissist, one who specializes in psychological and emotional abuse. You will already be suffering the psychological and emotional consequences of their relentless gaslighting. If you’re deep in a relationship with such a person and are currently reading these words, I don’t advise you to start confronting them with the truth – that they are wrong; they are mistaken; they are misinformed; and will cause problems if allowed to hold sway and forge ahead with their plans.

I suggest it would be safer for you to note my words and begin to regain control of your own inner truth. It will give you strength and allow you to begin believing in yourself and your own reality once more. Now is not the time to make quick decisions but perhaps to begin formulating the best way forward for yourself. Control of your own mind is one of the most important steps you can take at this time.

Don’t be persuaded by superficial or emotional argument. If he says the road-base supplied by the contractor contains deadly silica dust and can cause silicosis (which is a modern version of asbestosis), look it up! Is he correct? In the instance I’m recalling, he most definitely was not. Despite that, he managed to insult the contractor, abuse (using filthy language) the good-hearted person who’d hired the contractor, cause chaos and hysteria among the people who believed in his expertise and whom he’d worked up to a frenzy – and then, he sat back to thoroughly enjoy the circus. He actually laughed at others’ distress in the face of his abuse and manipulation.

In this example, I was not close to the perpetrator. It was relatively easy for me to take an objective stance, check the facts and call him out on it. I still suffered the inevitable consequences of social rejection and ostracization by himself and his flying monkeys, and the character assassination that ensued behind my back, but his opinion of me was of no consequence. In times past, I’ve not had that privilege.

I’ve been married to a similar personality. I was never allowed to challenge his ‘expertise’, his ‘superior’ opinions and his self-proclaimed competence in virtually every area of life. What I did note, however, was his jealousy – his covetousness. He couldn’t bear for me to know things he didn’t know or for me to handle certain situations better than he did. He took my strengths and undermined them so that he could convince me they were weaknesses and prove to himself, and others, how much better than me he was. That is not the action of one who loves. It is the action of one who seeks to destroy. It is hateful and poisonous. One of the most effective methods he used was to boldly claim his superiority, his rightness…about everything…and to do so publicly and loudly. It was humiliating. It was meant to be humiliating.

It is in some ways very difficult to break the indicators of narcissistic abuse into neat categories because they are all intricately linked. It’s not possible to grasp the full psychological and emotional impact of each indicator without considering the impact of all the others. They work together to undermine the psyche, to destroy self-esteem, self-worth, self-belief and cruelly, to destroy your very sanity.

Yet, there is still something to be gained from spelling out each diabolical trait. If there is someone close to you who is always right and will not brook argument; who always knows what needs to be done and will not be thwarted without retaliating with severe verbal, emotional and psychological abuse; who consistently places himself in the position of ‘expert’; who sweeps aside your questions and concerns; who will not listen to your alternative views…beware! This is an extremely serious indicator that you may be in the clutches of a narcissistic abuser.

If his ‘flying monkeys’ join the fray and attack you en masse with their vicious backlash, it’s time to exit with dignity.

My next post will address those foolish, blinded, flying monkeys. They’re chosen for a reason and are always to be found in the entourage of narcissistic abusers.

The Second Indicator of Narcissistic Abuse

17 Friday Jul 2020

Posted by in Abuse, Abuse victims, Blog about abuse, counseling, Emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Narcissism, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychopathology, Relationship abuse, Relationships, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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Arrogant businessman

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net/holohololand

They are the best, most popular, most interesting ‘everything’ and they have the best, most popular, most interesting ‘everything’. Everyone and everything else is inferior.

I confess this aspect of narcissists is particularly galling in that they actually have the gall to believe what they’re telling us, and they display a total lack of humility in the telling. I emotionally and physically recoil from the bold, unfounded claims of such unbridled egos. They raise my hackles. Perhaps someone in your life raises your hackles for similar reasons. We all like to feel good about ourselves but there’s a line most of us won’t cross; a line of decency and rational thinking. We are all flawed beings…unless we are narcissists.

I’ve heard such astounding claims as:

‘We were the most popular family in the whole school. We were always treated as though we’re special. People gave us things no-one else got.’ The earnest facial expression that accompanied this statement almost elicited an eyeroll from me, which would, of course had resulted in days of retribution from father (who aided and abetted the outrageous claims) and son alike, had I not checked myself.

‘I have the best music. The best!’ How I hated listening to that guy’s unique blend of Thai country music and heavy metal and, of course, he played it loud enough for the whole neighbourhood to hear, convinced we enjoyed it as much as he did. This fellow was also always ‘right’ about everything and he knew everything about something and something about everything. We’ll tackle that in my next post (Indicator number 3), as it’s a universal trait of narcissists.

‘I own expensive antiques.’ They were in such a state of filthy disrepair, they were, in fact, worth nothing.

‘I’m the well-calibrated one.’ (Naturally, I was the crazy one. There’s no way a narcissist will share his pedestal.)

‘I know I’m pretty.’ (Actually, that claim was debatable and was a surprise coming from a teenage girl, a group who are almost universally afflicted with a terrible self-consciousness and lack of faith in their own attributes.)

‘My children never lie.’ Translated to, ‘My children are perfect.’ They were also never rude, or unreasonable, or too loud or too sulky, or anything other than absolutely perfect. He wore their ‘perfection’ as a badge of his own superiority. (Poor kids, what chance did they have?)

ordinary house graphic‘My house is worth a million dollars.’ It wasn’t, and ended up selling for a lot less.

‘I did nothing wrong in my first marriage.’ Again, I’m perfect! The first wife, who suicided, might beg to differ, were she still around to tell her story.

‘I’m the teacher’s favourite.’ Cue in another almost-eyeroll. In case I sound as though I have no understanding or compassion for children, this young fellow was simply following in his father’s well-warn narcissistic footsteps and I was powerless to stop it. I waited for his words to be tempered by some wisdom from his father. It never came…because his father agreed with him, his son being perfect, after all. This is one way in which future narcissists are formed. (Are they born or are they bred? That’s a topic for a whole new post.)

‘I’m the best artist and I should have got the academic award for art, not him!’ This claim was fully supported by the speaker’s father who might have taken the opportunity to give a lesson in humility, or perhaps fairness and work ethic. Truth was, she was definitely a talented artist but she didn’t put in the work, and was simply trumped by someone who did.

‘Look around you, darling. We’re millionaires.’ A self-satisfied, smug, arrogant expression settled on his face when he made this claim, which was often over the years. You’ll probably notice a pattern developing by now and guess that we weren’t millionaires at all. You’d be right. Almost everything we owned was caught up in property; plus, neither of us was working (me, due to ill health, him, because he didn’t want to), so our funds were dwindling rapidly while he held onto his fantasy.

‘I haven’t lost my boyish good looks.’ I know people say such things in humour but this statement was made in complete seriousness. Another debatable claim.

‘I wasn’t appreciated at work. I worked harder than anyone else and I was good at it.’

‘Look at her. (His daughters, his nieces, his sisters). She’s so beautiful. She’s gorgeous! Perfect in every way. Look at her dress! Stunning!’ He would say this over and over and over, especially after a few too many drinks. There was something emotionally incestuous about it that made my skin crawl. Looking back, it was most likely due to his overwhelming need to ‘own’ perfect things; the best things, even if those ‘things’ were people.

Mercifully, my experiences have become a distant memory and now raise only a rye smile and a shake of my head. If you’re caught up with a narcissist, however, you’ll have your own unique story of your narcissist’s ‘perfection’ to tell. If you’ve ever deigned to disagree with their bold claims of superiority, you’ll remember their retaliation acutely. So acutely, I’m willing to guess, that you’ve dared not disagree again. Trying to hold a rational conversation with your tormentor about the reality of their situation, and of their dysfunctional ‘self-concept’ is always going to end in battle. And you will lose.

An out-sized ego will interpret any attempt to encourage self-reflection as a direct assault. They will feel attacked, and when they feel attacked, you already know how that ends for you.

We all have our blind spots and our little vanities but, if you’re living with someone who repeatedly claims the limelight and has no trouble articulating how magnificent they are, in every aspect of life, often enough to make you feel uncomfortable…trust those uncomfortable feelings.

Spend some time thinking about the ways in which your abuser claims bragging rights. Is it normal or over the top?

Are they the best at practically everything? Is their family perfect, even in the face of direct evidence to the contrary? Are they inordinately proud of their income, their home, their achievements, their children, their amazing contribution to every aspect of life? I would love to hear some of your stories.

Stay posted for Indicator Number 3: Narcissists know everything. They know something about everything and everything about something.

 

 

Australia still says ‘Yes’!

08 Friday Dec 2017

Posted by in Abuse, Abuse victims, Australia says Yes, bigotry, Bisexual, Emotional abuse, Gay, Gender equality, Gender inequality, Injustice, Lesbian, Marriage Equality, Marriage Equality in Australia, Pansexual, politics, australia, Psychological abuse, Relationships, Same Sex Marriage, Spirituality, Trans, Uncategorized

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Image of a face; male on one side, female on the other

Artwork by Melinda Jensen

Read…and weep. 

Especially those of you who consider yourselves decent human beings;  compassionate and reasonable human beings who would never tolerate the presence, here in Australia, of an underclass…and yet you voted, ‘No’. I am calling on you to have a good, long look inside yourself.

There are celebrations here in Australia; among those who believe in equality. All of us who believe in love. All of us who believe we’re not gods at the centre of the universe, casting judgment upon the masses…nor making decisions that impinge on the basic human rights of others. We’re celebrating…but with a dark and heartbreaking undercurrent.

But right now…before I launch into my story…my daughters’ story…my granddaughter’s story…

READ…

Tomorrow at 9am (Qld time), the verdict of the marriage equality survey will be announced. Ever since it was agreed that the nation would vote, I’ve felt progressively more quietly downtrodden – while the support has been truly beautiful, hearing of friends and family silently voting no has made me feel sick, and the ones doing it loudly even more so. The sheer number of people I thought – by association and friendship – were supportive of me as a person who think I’m lesser, not worthy, or abhorrent is terrifying. That’s what a no vote says to me – that I am not okay, not worthy, don’t deserve happiness or love. I don’t understand and I can’t comprehend it.

Being in a relationship with a man, a woman, a non binary person or anyone else makes me no less pansexual. Marriage equality being passed in Australia makes me no less pansexual. The hate I’ve witnessed, read about and been subject to makes me no less pansexual. In the end, regardless of the result, that is what this survey means to me – disenchantment, mistrust and alienation. The fact that a nation was willing to put so many people through this heartbreak just to prove a point – to vote on an established human right – is inconceivable.

Hug your family tomorrow. We need it.

Substitute the word ‘black’ for ‘pansexual’. You’re not racist, of course! Mixed race marriages have been legal for six or seven decades. Think about that for a moment. There are people living today who still bear the scars of that humiliation  and whose descendants will continue to struggle with their identities for hundreds of years to come. All because the dominant classes acted from fear instead of love.

Hark back 200 years and witness my ancestors who fled their mother country in fear for their lives – fled to the harsh colonies in Australia; that barren and frightening land. Why? Because they were convicts? No.

Because they were adventurous? Seeking a new life in the land of the free? Not exactly.

It was because they committed the worst of sins…

An ‘Orange’ married a ‘Green’.

Taboo. And so they risked their lives and their livelihoods in the name of love. We look back on those days and shake our heads at the collective ignorance, the bigotry and harsh injustices. Society was so misguided back then, we think, feeling a little smug because we’re so much more enlightened these days.

Aren’t we?

In traditional Judaism, girls are permitted to marry as young as twelve years of age, and boys at thirteen. Do we then refuse to allow all Jews to marry in this country…because sexual relationships with children are surely an abomination? For that matter, do we refuse to allow followers of other religions, like Islam, to marry because they too, allow child marriage, along with polygamy? No?

That brings me to the point made by advocates of the ‘No’ vote that I find most loathsome – that the normalization of paedosex will naturally progress from the legalization of same-sex marriage. There is no rationale behind this train of thought. Any deductive argument in its defense crumbles to rubble before the end of the first paragraph.

Paedophilia is almost the sole domain of the heterosexual male. Before you shout me down, please note I said ‘almost’. Yes, there are women – vile, sick women. Yes, there are gay and lesbian paedophiles. We’re all familiar with the stories of little boys being lured into men’s toilets, and while that’s a cliche, it’s one with a basis in truth. Sometimes, it happens. (I haven’t personally read or heard of a lesbian paedophile but it stands to reason that some would exist in this world.)

BUT: The majority of sexual assaults on children take place at the hands of heterosexual men, many of whom are married or have female partners. And sometimes, their heterosexual female partners are complicit, or worse, active participants. Incest is hardly a thing of the past.

According to the hypothesis that underlies the position that paedosex naturally follows from the legalization of same-sex marriage, it would be more logical then, to refuse to allow heterosexual couples to marry.

I have gender-fluid friends and members of my family – all of whom I’d trust implicitly with my children – well, grandchildren then; my daughters have long-since left their childhoods behind them. There are however, a number of heterosexual people I’d hesitate to entrust with something so precious as a human life. Call it intuition, if you will. I call it spiritual discernment.

My last point is one I approach with some trepidation – the Christian viewpoint. And yet, it is, in some ways, the most salient point – largely because it is the Christian contingent in this country who have voiced their objections so venomously. I won’t attempt to broach this subject from a doctrinal perspective. Nor will I pretend to be knowledgeable enough to quote scripture with any certainty of a perfect understanding of its original meaning. What is needed from those who believe in God, is the humility to admit that, not only do we struggle to comprehend scripture as it’s translated today (it’s complicated!), but the vast majority of us are abysmally ignorant of the nuances of the language in which it was first written. I’ll also go out on a limb and say I believe we don’t have the full scriptures to hand. How could we? Thousands of years of translations at the hands of mere humanity; lost manuscripts; the politically motivated church leaders in charge of deciding which books and verses to include and which to destroy or hide under lock and key – all of it points to the fact we need to listen with our hearts.

And my heart says that the harsh and judgmental voices of so many ‘No’ voters have shredded the souls of so many vulnerable human beings. They have been invalidated, belittled and made to feel ‘less than’; they have, as made clear in the quote above, been hurt to the very core. They are humiliated and shamed. There was a significant rise in the number of suicides among the ‘non-heterosexual’ community in the lead-up to this sham of a postal survey. They felt as monsters on display awaiting a verdict. Guilty of the sin of being who they are. Offered up to the masses for scrutiny; for trial and sentencing.

In the memorable words of the ‘elephant man’, ‘I am not a monster!’

As a mother, it utterly breaks my heart.

The author of the heartfelt plea I’ve quoted here is my youngest daughter, Kim Kahler. Both my daughters are ‘other’. I am incredibly proud of them. They are so much more than I ever was or will ever be.

I have witnessed their acts of compassion and sacrifice, their contributions to society, their commitment to the environment, their admirable work ethic and unquenchable thirst for knowledge and wisdom, their responsible parenting and their quests for justice. And I have seen them brought low by those who resort to small-mindedness, ignorance, bigotry and pure hate. They have not responded in kind.

So to all of you who voted ‘No’ – I know you have your reasons. But please…please…realize and take responsibility for the depth of pain you’ve inflicted on vulnerable human beings who need, more than anything else, your love.

Search your hearts and recognize the darkness there.

 

 

 

 

The Question on Everyone’s Lips: Why do victims stay so long?

11 Saturday Nov 2017

Posted by in Abuse, Abuse victims, Blog about abuse, Controlling People, Counselling, Emotional abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Narcissistic abuse, Oppression of women, Passive-aggressive abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Psychopathology, Recovery from abuse, Relationship abuse, Relationship breakdown, Stockholm Syndrome, The Silent Treatment, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse, Why abuse victims don't leave, Why abuse victims stay so long

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sinking woman, koratmember

Image courtesy of koratmember at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

To those who’ve been in psychological and emotional captivity to an abusive partner, spouse or parent, the answer is abundantly clear. It’s complicated but obvious; yet far from obvious to outside observers.

Even those who know us well and have watched us struggle, find our actions inexplicable. We try to explain, we really do. But even to ourselves, the words sound hollow and illogical.

And so we clam up, feeling judged and misunderstood. And lonely…desperately lonely. In the short term, that’s probably all we can do. It takes time – a long time – for us to understand ourselves, and our situations, sufficiently to articulate the truth. In the meantime, until we find the strength to leave the abuser once and for all, friends and family often drop off like lemmings from a cliff, leaving us without much-needed support and encouragement. And that’s all part of our abuser’s grand plan.

I was lucky. I have two epic daughters and a strong mother. They didn’t quite understand but they were accepting and unswervingly supportive.

angry man

Image courtesy of saphatthachat at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

But by and large, I was isolated for over three years from every one of my former friends, and from most of my wider family. There were even attempts to alienate me from my eldest daughter and two grandchildren. Not only was my abuser angry, loud and frightening when my grandchildren came to stay with me, as they’d done since they were tiny, but his own children carried out their own sniper attacks while I was sleeping. (Read my post about flying monkeys here.)

 

My grandchildren would invariably leave, after a weekend spent with me, (once peaceful and serene), so distressed that my daughter no longer allowed them to visit. So I made the 45 minute drive into town to spend time with them whenever time and energy allowed – which wasn’t nearly often enough. I was kept far too busy jumping through hoops to avoid the backlash of my abuser’s anger. As you can see, the ways an abuser isolates his victims from their support network is, by no means, always obvious. More frequently, it’s a covert operation.

And I was sick; so desperately sick with a chronic illness I’d battled for nearly two decades. And let’s not forget that abusers target the ill; the vulnerable. (Note: All of us who are, by nature, compassionate and caring, are hence, vulnerable.)

So that’s reason number 1: We no longer have family and friends to turn to. No one knows what’s going on. No-one believes us when we tell them.

Let me tell you, it’s quite possible to be driven, quite literally, mad. I know, because that’s the state in which I found myself one September. Utterly bereft. Utterly confused. Utterly without any knowledge of or belief in my own reality.

You started out as quite normal. It’s normal to enter relationships with a healthy outlook that assumes shared power; shared responsibility; shared decision-making; shared affection. Everything is mutual and equal. THAT is normal.

THAT’S what you expected, as we all should. But that’s not what happens in abusive relationships.

Instead, you’re manipulated from the outset…subtly at first, and then, when you’re broken in (and broken), the abuse becomes blatant. But by then, you don’t trust yourself. Your reality is skewed. You no longer remember who you truly are. Before long, you can’t answer simple questions about yourself, like, ‘What’s your favourite colour?’

It’s all part of the plan. THEIR plan.

I’ve written in other posts about ‘crazy-making behaviour‘. Let me recap on one of an abuser’s major weapons – Gaslighting.

The movie, ‘Gaslight’ is a golden oldie, starring Ingrid Bergman (as the victim) and Charles Boyer (as the perpetrator). (As a bonus, a young Angela Lansbury makes her debut appearance!) Despite seeming a bit cheesy due to the era, it’s well worth a watch. If you’ve been abused, it will make your hairs stand on end.

To explain briefly, to gaslight someone is to set up certain conditions, and then deny they ever happened. All the while, the ‘gaslighter’ is coupling his or her denials with declarations of love, concern and undying affection, which creates a powerful emotional conditioning. Let me draw a parallel from my own experience.

My neurological condition is known for its cognitive difficulties. During times of stress and illness exacerbation, I rely on written lists; and when I really need to remember something important, I make an extra effort to commit it to long-term memory. I’ve been doing this for around 20 years now and although I still have momentary lapses, by and large, I’ve trained my memory to work fairly well.

Unfortunately, like all abusers, my tormentor seized on this vulnerability and used it against me. Relentlessly. We’d make joint decisions, during which he would seem perfectly agreeable and then I’d wake up the next morning to be told the conversations had never taken place. But also, of course, that he ‘understood’ because ‘poor me’, I have such cognitive difficulties…and he loved me anyway, despite how difficult I was. His performance was worthy of an Oscar and I fell for it over and over, with each episode becoming more and more cruel.

He started to drop the I love you‘s and began to look at me sidelong, like a snake, as if I were filth beneath his martyred feet. By that time, I doubted my own sanity and he openly told me I was f..ing psycho; the crazy one etc. When I stood my ground and opposed him, he became cold, callous and calculating; interspersed with every aggressive and passive-aggressive tactic he could pull out of his bag of psychopathic tricks.

Coupled with all the other modes of abuse and control, I found myself doubting my own sense of reality. It tipped me over the edge. By that time, I felt crazy. And then, of course, he used that against me. The spiral into the abyss of madness was swift and terrifying.

And that’s reason number 2: We reach a point where we no longer trust ourselves or our own reality. If we believe we’re crazy, we also believe we can’t cope on our own; and so we stay with the person who has driven us out of our minds.

And if you fall into this trap? (How can we not?) If you believe you’re not quite sane? What do you do? You cling desperately to the abuser who has deliberately…callously…manipulated your reality to fit his own ends. He wants you to believe HIM (or HER); and so give up on yourself. Who are you then? What do you know? Who and what do you trust?

Remember, family and friends have already disappeared one by one.

And so the trauma bond becomes complete. You have no choice (because your judgment and sanity have been taken from you) but to put all your trust in the only person left to look after you – your abuser.

You may have heard of Stockholm Syndrome. If not, here’s the lowdown:

It’s a psychological phenomenon that is frequently displayed by:

  • Abused Children
  • Battered/Abused Women
  • Prisoners of War
  • Cult Members
  • Incest Victims
  • Criminal Hostage Situations
  • Concentration Camp Prisoners
  • Controlling/Intimidating Relationships

It’s characterized by an intense emotional bond that forms between those who hold all the power in a situation and their victims, who hold no power whatsoever. It’s a survival strategy that makes no sense to an outside observer but perfect sense from a psychological perspective. It actually enhances the chances of survival for victims. Unfortunately, it also diminishes the likelihood a victim will leave an abusive situation because:

  • Victims have been powerfully conditioned to show feelings of love, cooperation, appeasement and admiration for their abusers. If they don’t, they will be punished severely, either physically, emotionally, psychologically, sexually, financially…or all of the above.
  • If victims depend solely on the abuser for sustenance (from food, shelter and clothing to human contact, affection, social interaction and validation), a ‘sick’ loop forms wherein victims are inordinately grateful for the tidbits tossed from the masters table.
  • This gratitude and ‘good behaviour’ result from time to time, but not always (just to keep us on our toes), in magnanimous gestures from our captors – maybe a whole day of relaxed conversation, free from verbal and psychological attacks; maybe some tender caresses and dove-eyed smiles instead of the habitual silent treatment and snake-eyed glares; perhaps even a leave-pass to see a friend. And so we walk on eggshells, trained like a terrified dog who, beaten brutally by his master, still wags his tail and follows that master faithfully wherever he goes.

Sad dog

Image courtesy of Patrisyu at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

To learn more about the origins of the term Stockholm Syndrome, visit this link:

Stockholm Syndrome: Counseling Resources

In a nutshell though, the trauma bond – often referred to as Stockholm Syndrome is the third and probably most powerful reason victims of abuse just CAN’T escape their bondage.

 

There are other reasons victims stay with their abusers for far too long that are a little easier to comprehend.

We’re plain scared! Having been punished beyond all proportion for our imagined misdeeds, we know full well the extent of the backlash we’ll receive if we do leave. Some of us have been threatened physically; others have had children threatened; for others it’s been the threat of a smear campaign that promises to destroy our futures.

So, reason number 4 is that we’re just plain terrified!

And because our abuser has almost certainly held the financial reins and likely either destroyed our careers by covert means or ‘persuaded’ us not to work for any number of selfish reasons … we’re broke! We have no money and nowhere to go. We’re likely sick and debilitated; left without the capacity or skills to regroup, find work and establish ourselves financially..

So, that’s another reason we stay. We’re broke! We have no capacity for work and nowhere safe to go. That’s reason number 5 in a nutshell.

This list is far from definitive but I hope it gives an insider glimpse into that baffling question – Why on earth would you stay with such a monster?

From the perspective of an abuse victim, the decision to stay seems like a logical one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Traumatic Memories & the Trauma Response

23 Sunday Jul 2017

Posted by in Abuse, Childhood wounds, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Counselling, Emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Narcissistic abuse, Neuroscience and abuse, Personal growth, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Recovery from abuse, Relationships, Retraumatizing, self love, spiritual growth, Triggering, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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silhouette of a man asking for help

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net/foto76

Memories can be wonderful … but not always. Sometimes they thrust themselves into consciousness without warning or invitation, knocking the air clean out of our lungs. Like a kick in the gut with steel-capped boots, an unwelcome memory can force us to your knees , gagging, or send us stumbling numbly in search of a dark, dark cupboard in which to hide … a cupboard that holds no Narnia on its other side, but only ghoulies and ghosties and long-legged beasties and things that go bump in the night.

Some time after the witching hour last night, a memory came to visit. I tried to grab it by the throat and force it back through the door of my dreams, but still it came … stealthy and relentless. And then came another … and yet another. Today I’m barely able to function.

Such is the reality of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, a response all too common to survivors of verbal, emotional and psychological abuse. I wish I could tell you how to make it stop. Psychologists will teach you cognitive behavioural techniques (CBT) – the mode of therapy that is currently flavour of the month. It aims to mediate your emotions by getting you to control your own thought processes and attitudes. What the ‘experts’ don’t seem to understand, or tell you, is that the deep-seated feelings of horror and terror that result from years of cruelty actually circumvent the normal neural pathways. And that lack of understanding comes very close to ‘victim blaming’; it unleashes a barrage of guilt and alienates us from much needed love and support.
During my own (long-ago, pre-illness) studies of psychology, I learned that it is, in fact, not possible for researchers to determine whether the physical responses associated with anxiety – the release of stress hormones, which lead to rapid heart rate and pulse, etc) – pre-empt the feeling of fear itself, or whether the fear triggers the physical response. It’s the physical processes that make us shake with fear or paralyze us; that make us feel sick and our palms sweat as the blood thuds and throbs through our heads, leaving us spent. Researchers still don’t know whether the chicken comes before the egg.

Truth is, memories or events that evoke a trauma response trigger automatic emotions first … and the thoughts then follow. From there we scramble to make cognitive sense of them while our fight or flight responses are on auto-pilot, ready to take off like a jump jet. Add in the fact that stress (in all its forms – anxiety, fear etc) shuts down our normal cognitive processes, making it impossible to think straight, and we have a wrecking ball massive enough to demolish the very fabric of our being.

Under these circumstances I believe it’s virtually impossible to be rational – although I baulk at fully embracing that concept with its implication that we just can’t help ourselves. There has to be some level of personal responsibility, certainly, but there needs to be an attitude of compassion, too. Compassion not only from others but also compassion for ourselves. Sometimes we need to cut ourselves some slack. That doesn’t mean allowing ourselves to be out of control; to rant and rave at others; to get drunk and drive fast in an attempt to get away from ourselves; or to engage in any other forms of destructive behaviour.

What it means is to understand that the feeling itself is okay.

We are NOT DEFECTIVE! We are injured and may always carry painful scars that adhere to our souls … wounds that are easily reopened. It is NOT OUR FAULT. We are who we are. Survivors.

shy girl

We need to accept ourselves with all our battle-scars even if no-one else does, and we need to nurture our own wounded inner child. Imagine how you might treat a little girl or boy who has been irrevocably damaged by some adult monster. What would you say to her? How would you soothe and reassure him? If you were harmed by an intimate partner and not by a parent, your inner child is still just as wounded. We all carry that vulnerable facet deep within us and it is this very precious, fragile part of our souls that our abusers hone in on in their attempts to destroy us.

Some of us turn to God and hand our brokenness to Him; the perfect parent; the ever-loving spouse who cherishes us in a way no human being ever can. He is the keeper of my soul and my only true solace when the demons of trauma return to torment me. He scoops me up and cradles me in His powerful yet gentle arms and kisses me like the wounded child I truly am.

 

 

 

Feeding misogyny: what it means to be naked

07 Monday Nov 2016

Posted by in counseling, Feminism, Feminist debate, Gender equality, Gender inequality, History, mysoginy, Oppression of women, Pornography, Psychology, Relationships, spiritual growth, Uncategorized

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Original artwork by Melinda Jensen

For the past few days I’ve procrastinated about bringing up a controversial and volatile subject; but that ‘still, small voice’ is so insistent, I’ve decided to wade right on in. Past experience assures me that the topic – ‘nakedness’, or ‘nudity’, in all its nuances – raises strong opinions and heated debate on both sides.

There is a certain niche culture that embraces and even worships the human body at its most exposed; artists and sculptors endlessly depict it, actors wantonly portray it and photographers of a certain ilk are somewhat lecherously obsessed with it. Other sections of society are more coy, though coyness is fast disappearing in a world that rewards image over substance, superficiality over depth. Where ordinary mortals may once have been relatively protected from exposure to mass human nudity, needing to actively seek it out in order to experience it outside their own mirrors and bedrooms, today’s similarly ordinary mortals are subjected to nakedness any number of times in a day, without their consent. Why? What does it mean? And how do we cope with the onslaught?

Let’s take a look at what history teaches about the implication of nudity as it is used to express societal attitudes. There is little dispute that in the beginning of time, when humanity was just emerging, the issue was merely a practical one. Clothes were fashioned and adopted according to the dictates of climate, habitat and mode of living. As humankind’s thought processes became more advanced however, what was once merely a practical consideration began to take on a host of possible meanings, bringing with it an even larger host of emotional responses.

Greek and Roman gods were often depicted naked, with a couple of theories being put forward as explanation. Some sources indicate that in day to day existence, ancient Greek and Roman citizens wore long, flowing robes and even in the public baths, where people disrobed freely, the sexes were generally segregated. Other sources insist that communal bathing, with the genders mixed, was not uncommon and that Greek citizens frequently dropped their robes to work naked in the fields, to dance, and of course, to exercise.

According to the first theory, there existed a widespread cultural attitude of respect for the human body, and Greek philosophy held that health of both mind and body were of paramount importance to spiritual and psychological maturity. The display of the body was considered a sign of health and strength of character, and did not elicit responses of lust and ribaldry. It is thought that in the depiction of gods in particular, nudity was used to indicate that a hero or god had passed beyond the need for such protection as clothes offered.  And while it is true that Olympic athletes originally performed naked, historians believe this was both to prevent cheating and to allow them to move more freely, since the clothing of the day was restrictive and cumbersome. It is also noteworthy that women were not allowed to participate, and married women were not even allowed to attend. At a separate festival, celebrating the goddess Hera, young women were permitted to participate in foot races but were covered in loose tunics that fell to their knees.

Nudity was reserved then, almost exclusively for men, as evidenced by a number of surviving sculptures. And the prevailing attitude towards that nudity was one of respect for the health, strength and spiritual achievements of those depicted.

What seems indisputable is that during that particular period in history, a state of undress denoted a certain respect for a being’s divinity or accomplishments.

Yet…such are the vagueries of history…that other sources insists the Greeks were, in fact, vain creatures who succumbed to the lures of the flesh from very early on. This contradictory view argues that the rampant displays of nudity were fueled by vanity and hedonism, and that the Olympic games, right from the get-go, were characterized by orgies, dope-taking, prostitution and blood-lust.

How can we make sense of such blatant contradictions? For the purposes of my post, either scenario can be used to argue against the acceptability of today’s pornographic images, which center almost entirely on the female form (gay porn aside).

Considering the first scenario – can it be said that today, women are being displayed naked as a symbol of their strength, health, power and spiritual achievement? The answer must be a resounding no. They are there for the viewing pleasure and titillation of, in fact for the arousal of, lust in men. (Mostly! Yes, I hear those of you who are protesting that there’s a growing culture of women who use porn for the same reason.)

Considering the second scenario – that historical nudity was linked to hedonism, orgiastic behaviour, drugs, prostitution and blood-lust – what does that tell us about today’s culture of porn, including the so-called ‘soft-porn’, whereby fashion magazines, movies, television and even newspapers feature partially naked or even fully-naked women? It clearly tells us that a woman’s nudity is used for ribald and lustful purposes, certainly not to empower or engender respect.

Think of the image of Miley Cyrus on her wrecking ball.  I hardly think it conjures up respect, nor a reverence for her spiritual (or other) attainments. It conjures instead mirth, derision or lust, and frequently all three.

So how has the panorama evolved since the days of myth and legend? Firstly, to state the obvious, today’s nudity is overwhelmingly female. The one constant is that these ‘objects’ of lust have been almost exclusively used for the pleasure of the masculine of the species.

What else? We’ve all heard that the only constant in life is change, and history bears this out. As the centuries rolled by, along with changes catalyzed by ever-expanding exploration, discovery, industrial and scientific inroads and social change, so too has the context and connotation of ‘nakedness’ changed. There have been epic landmarks to note these changes.

No human condition more clearly depicts gross inequality and injustice than that of slavery. A slave has no worth above that of his monetary value, a value set by his potential owners in the same way it would be set for pigs or cattle or even farm produce. He is valued only for his perceived capacity for hard labour and obedience. He is beaten and abused because his life has no value and he is assigned no dignity or inherent worth. A slave is an object of degradation. At the moment he is sold into slavery he is stripped of his humanity at the same time as he is stripped of his clothes and paraded naked for the inspection of his masters. Not allowed to so much as look upon the face of a white woman without risking punishment, even death, he is himself (and herself) able to be intimately scrutinized in all his naked vulnerability. The message is clear. To be naked correlates with inferiority, dis-empowerment, humiliation and being at the mercy of a ruling class.

From the Christian scriptures we learn that Jesus was stripped naked, flogged and tortured, then hung on a cross to die a brutal death – classed as a low-life criminal. He died, bare and exposed to his detractors, laughed at and ridiculed as they shredded his robes – the ultimate humiliation. His nakedness too, marked him as inferior, dis-empowered, and at the mercy of a ruling class.

Where does this leave the argument of modern day feminists who forcefully insist on their right to parade naked and semi-naked, enter prostitution, pose for porn magazines and movies, claiming it is empowering for them to do with their bodies whatever they please?

Frankly, they’re on shaky ground. Clambering to appropriate some prized position as if it truly were an indication of equality and empowerment. Playing right into the industry’s hands … and dare I say it, right into the hands of the dominant culture; a privileged white male culture, who once again, achieve exactly what they want. That is, an endless supply of objects for their amusement, titillation, and (as I have shown above), objects of humiliation and inferiority who have been successfully brainwashed into believing they are joining a ruling class, when in fact, they are simply still being ruled by it. In a different manner to which women have been dominated throughout the centuries, yes. But dominated all the same, through manipulation of their psyches.

Much research points to the likelihood of pornography inciting violence against women, and when we view the historical context of nudity, and perceive it as the tool it has been – one used to dominate, humiliate, denigrate and dis-empower – it isn’t difficult to fathom its role in today’s escalating culture of violence against the feminine.

The subtleties of the game have changed. But the game itself has not.

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Verbal punches and brain changes

01 Friday Jul 2016

Posted by in Abuse, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Counselling, Emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Justice system and abuse, Narcissistic abuse, Neuroscience and abuse, Personal growth, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Psychopathology, Relationship abuse, Relationship advice, Spirituality, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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When someone delivers a physical blow, no one questions whether or not damage has been done to the victim, and no one tries to deflect the blame from the perpetrator. The bruises, scratches and broken bones are there for all to see.

Until relatively recently, abusers have been able to hide behind the smokescreen provided by the societal perception that ‘sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me’. Of course, verbal, psychological and emotional abuses go well beyond name-calling, and yet, victims of this most insidious and devastating form of abuse face an uphill battle when it comes to being taken seriously. Already in a depleted emotional and cognitive state, with energy levels at a lifetime low, they rarely have the wherewithal to pursue understanding, let alone deliverance, from their personal hell.

Legislation however, is beginning to catch up with the truth. There’s a long way to go yet but the first seeds have been sown, at least in my own county – Australia. Most other nations are lagging a long way behind.

But I’ll save the legislative changes for another post. Today, I want to shed a little light on what emotional/verbal abuse victims have known for millenia, and which is only now being backed up by the latest research from neuroscience. To put it in very plain English, recent studies have proved that the brain changes that occur as a result of physical abuse are exactly the same as the changes that occur as a result of emotional, verbal and psychological abuse. In other words, the source of the abuse doesn’t matter. The brain encodes it the same way, regardless. The bottom line is that all abuse is physical.

That means the long term effects are identical. Well … almost. It has also been established that only one form of abuse consistently leads to Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder(CPTSD). Surprisingly, it’s not sexual or physical abuse. It’s our old foe – emotional, psychological and verbal abuse. Although physical and sexual abuse are usually accompanied by emotional control and abuse, on their own they don’t lead to long term CPTSD. Emotional/verbal/psychological abuse however, is a reliable predictor of CPTSD without any other form of abuse being present. It’s a sobering thought, and something few therapists or authorities are aware of.

Knowledge is empowering. Spread the word.

 

Sources:

http://www.narcissismaddictionsabuse.com

https://www.psychologytoday.com

http://www.blueknot.org.au

More on Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in a future post.

 

 

 

Using vulnerability against you; aka throwing your past in your face

23 Saturday Apr 2016

Posted by in Abuse, Childhood wounds, Controlling People, counseling, Emotional abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Relationship abuse, Retraumatizing, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse, Vulnerability

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Sad face, masque

Image courtesy of FreeDigitaalPhotos.net/Stuart Miles

So you’ve put your past behind you? You’ve been to therapy and turned yourself inside out in order to deal with your demons and find the silver lining on your clouded past. Life’s been tough but you’re an overcomer. Good for you! Most people don’t have the courage. Well done. You’re going from strength to strength, right?

Hang on a minute! There’s someone in your life who thinks differently; someone you love, or someone who is an unavoidable part of your life who’s not letting you move on; who doesn’t recognize your growth. Each and every time you’re discussing an issue; trying to make your point heard; simply baring your soul, or building a bridge – what happens?

‘Oh … but you’ve had three failed relationships.’ ‘Oh … but you never finished your education.’ Or how about my personal favourite – ‘You’re sick in the head because of your past childhood sexual abuse. Everything you do and say is coloured by it. That’s why your so angry all the time.’

The implication? You failure, you! You hopeless case. You value-less human being. Why should anyone EVER listen to what you say? Or believe you? Who cares about the circumstances you’ve struggled through and healed from? You will forever be a disappointment in their eyes – the subject of derision and devaluation. Why? Because it makes them feel better to believe that. Because if they look fairly and squarely at what you’ve been through … what you’ve conquered … they’ll have to admit they couldn’t do what  you did. They’re not strong enough.

And so they throw it in your face – time and time again.

You’ll find yourself endlessly wanting to have rational discussions about the issues and difficulties of life; of your relationship … but you’ll find yourself dragged back down to one point … one and only point. Your shortcomings … your vulnerabilities … your past. You’ve dealt with it … but they haven’t. So they use it against you – to WIN. To silence you. To win the power struggle that is their sole goal. Abusers view every interaction as a win/lose situation and they’re determined that they’ll win and you’ll lose. Psychologically healthy individuals realize that, where relationships are concerned, when one person loses, the whole relationship loses. The ‘winner’ gains power but never intimacy.

If you find yourself bringing up the same grievances time and time again, look for the bait you’re being thrown to distract you from the issue at hand. Distraction is one of the most manipulative tools a controlling person can use against you. It confuses you; throws you off the trail and makes you instantly the bad guy, no matter what the other party has done to harm you. It just one more ugly game in their repertoire. Don’t fall for it. And remember, mud sticks best to the cleanest wall.

 

 

 

 

Unleash the Flying Monkeys!

07 Monday Mar 2016

Posted by in Abuse, Abuse victims, Childhood wounds, Controlling People, counseling, Emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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So what on earth is a flying monkey?

image of flying monkey

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net/

saphatthachat

The term ‘flying monkeys’ is derived from that all-time movie classic, ‘The Wizard of Oz’, in which the wicked witch of the west sends out her nasty little troupe of flying monkeys to inflict torment on Dorothy and her trusty trio.

In popular psychology it is used to describe the people an abuser enlists to back her up, join in with blaming the victim, name-calling, put-downs, the silent treatment and other crazy-making behaviour. Once groomed and recruited, flying monkeys invariably perceive the narcissistic abuser as the innocent party and are outraged at what they believe the real victim has done. They have it ass backwards.

Why it works so well

Narcissists carefully construct a false public image while projecting their real self, with all its ugly traits, onto their chosen target. Because an abuser never attacks in public, people find it extremely difficult to believe she’s anything but the lovely, caring person she pretends to be when she has an audience. Frankly, it’s disturbing to witness how fast she can switch from raging virago to Mrs Happy-Go-Lucky in less than a heartbeat. If you’re unlucky enough to be in a relationship with someone like this, you’ve already seen how fast she can go from sweet to psycho in private. Trust me when I say she is equally able to switch back the other way should a witness come close to walking in on one of her rages.

The narcissist chooses her flying monkeys carefully. She’ll only enlist those she knows will take her side and carry out her bidding, whether she has expressly told them what she wants them to do or whether the process is achieved in more subtle ways. Sadly, the most vulnerable potential monkeys are the abusers own children or other family members and, of course, her best friends. It’s likely they’ll even mimic her behaviour as a matter of course, since she has already portrayed you (consistently) to the be the crazy one, the one at fault, the one who deserves to wear all the guilt and shame. Because they’ve rarely, if ever, been privy to her craziness, they simply accept her version of the truth and go after you with all the self-righteous indignance they can muster, adding a lot of heated fuel to her attack  on you.

As the more responsible parent (or sibling, or child), you have most likely consciously avoided embroiling your children (or siblings or other family members) in your spousal troubles, trying to protect them from the ugly reality that you face on a daily basis. You have been set up like a row of bowling pins. If the first bowler doesn’t knock you out, subsequent bowlers – the flying monkeys – will. The group attack was carefully planned by your abuser.

It’s imperative to trust your own reality – to know who you are, how you operate, and what your values are. An onslaught from your abuser and her hoard of flying monkeys is akin to all-out psychological warfare, and will leave you with all the post-traumatic stress that accompanies battle.