He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

16 Monday Feb 2015

Posted by Melinda Jensen in Abuse, Boundaries, Controlling People, Divorce, Emotional abuse, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Psychopathology, Relationship breakdown, Relationships, Spirituality, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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Abuse, abusive relationships, Counseling, Divorce, Domestic Violence, Emotional Abuse, Emotional and Psychological Abuse, Emotional and verbal abuse, Marriage Counseling, Narcissism, narcissistic abuse, Psychology, Psychopathology, psychopaths, Rage-a-holics

A hundred shades of rage. Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net/Phisekit

Every abuse victim is intimately familiar with this phenomenon. One minute you’re on cloud nine, certain your relationship is on the mend, and swept off your feet (again) with words of adulation, undying love and devotion. He’ll buy you whatever you want, wine you, dine you, and soften you with gentle, sweet words of love and appreciation…but just when you think it’s safe to come out from under that protective shell of yours, the wining and dining turns to maligning. You are being abused yet again. The abuse cycle continues, ad infinitum.

And the switch will be shockingly sudden, brutal and devastating. This morning you were his ‘forever love’. This afternoon, you’re ‘a f…ing psycho’. And somewhere in the midst of this tirade your mind starts to bend. It’s bending to his will. It’s exactly where he wants this conversation to go.

But why? That’s the question on everyone’s lips. My first (and probably final) reaction is to say, ‘Who cares!’ No excuse is good enough, no delving into his past and uncovering his childhood issues will ever convince me he’s not doing this deliberately. It is utterly C-O-N-S-C-I-O-U-S. He is completely aware of what he is doing to you. That’s why he keeps doing it. It gives him a thrill to hurt you. Research shows that when the average person is angry…when they are arguing and yelling…their blood pressure and heart rate go up. That’s because it’s stressful for us average Joes and Joannas. Not so for your consummate abuser. For him or her, shouting at and intimidating another human being results in a blood-pressure and heart-rate drop. That’s right. It feels good. It calms them down. They’re in control again.

And control is what it’s all about.

That’s why he can peacefully put his head on the pillow beside you…and sleep so soundly…while you cannot. You toss…and turn…and agonize.

Don’t judge him by your own yardstick. The ‘raging’ is his elixir – the potion that feeds the Mr Hyde that ever lurks within him. A friend of mine described her abuser as ‘bipolar’. I understand why she feels this way – the sudden switch from one persona to another smacks of real mental illness. But her abuser has no such illness. His cognitive functioning is fine and dandy. He may be narcissistic in the extreme, or even a full-blown psychopath, but these are not true mental disorders. They are disorders of choice. They are diseases of the soul. The labels may appear in the DSM (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual used by psychiatrists and psychologists worldwide), but those who’ve studied the history behind the DSM understand that its main author was likely a narcissist himself. There’s a whole separate post to be written on that topic. I won’t address it here.

Someone who is Bipolar or Schizophrenic wants to get well. They want treatment. Not so the flawed being with high narcissistic traits. He doesn’t perceive his flaws at all. He’s enjoying the experience; the power trip. Why would he want to change? He doesn’t want to get better because he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with him. He’s too perfect for that.

Not everyone who engages in abuse fits into this category, but the proportion seems to be disturbingly high. There are those who can be enlightened by education, and those who cannot. There are those caught in the web of their own ignorance, their difficult pasts, and their erroneous thinking. There is hope for such as these. They react from their own pain. They get angry and express their anger abusively over issues that seem real to them. There will be triggers, associated with their own painful pasts…but there will not be the random, cold-blooded ‘switch’ from love to hate.

We need to know the difference.

Boundaries: A Litmus Test for Potential Abusers

29 Monday Sep 2014

Posted by Melinda Jensen in Abuse, Boundaries, Controlling People, Emotional abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Relationships, Spirituality, Verbal abuse

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Abuse, abusive relationships, anger, Assertiveness, Boundaries, Controlling People, Counseling, dysfunctional relationships, Emotional Abuse, Emotional and Psychological Abuse, Narcissism, Verbal Abuse

Abusers have no respect for boundaries. Even if you attempt to build an impenetrable fortress around you, an abuser will think nothing of blowing it up with the equivalent of emotional and psychological dynamite. You’ll find yourself crushed and flattened under the rubble, and while you’re crawling back out you’ll be blamed for the fine mess you’ve gotten yourself into.

Once you’ve extricated yourself from a toxic relationship, this tell-tale disrespect of personal boundaries can be a useful guide when it comes to avoiding the attentions of, and entanglements with other controlling people in the future. In fact, life seems to be handing me plenty of opportunities to hone this particular skill since I separated from my husband just over a year ago.

For example my hackles automatically go up when someone offers unsolicited advice. I don’t need to be told what to do; I need a listening ear and empathy. There are times when I need help. We all do, but it isn’t helpful if someone takes over my show. Both these instances – offering advice I haven’t asked for, and crossing the line between help and control – show that the other person has boundary issues; that they aren’t aware of where their personhood finishes and mine begins. Hence, they step into my space and act as if they are me. My emotional response is usually an internal feeling of anger at being ‘pushed around’. We need to listen to anger. In and of itself, it is not a negative emotion but a protective one. Anger tells us when our boundaries are being crossed, whether those boundaries are physical or psychic. Anger tells us we need to protect ourselves in some way.

Anger is your friend. Use it well and wisely.

Boundaries are also crossed whenever people label us as something we know to be untrue of ourselves. I recently pointed out to a relatively new male friend that I found an email joke he sent me inappropriate, outlining my reasons quite clearly. He turned nasty and told me (this person who barely knows me) that I have issues. I’d like a dollar for every controlling person who’s analysed my ‘issues’ for me without taking a jolly good look in the mirror first. It’s not that I believe I don’t have any issues. As far as I’m concerned the human condition is all about issues, and our efforts to overcome them, in our quest for personal and spiritual maturity. It’s just that I don’t believe an amateur psychologist has any right to take me apart and act as judge and jury regarding my emotional stability or lack thereof; nor do I believe I have the particular set of issues allocated to me by this almost-stranger.

I’m extremely grateful for these warning signs. By paying heed I have effectively sidestepped a couple of potential relationships that would likely have led to more control, abuse and grief. Perhaps I should have given them the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps if I had given them another chance or two or three, I might have granted them the opportunity to choose to grow and change. But I’ve reached an age and stage where I no longer wish to wait around for someone to catch up with me. I no longer wish to teach and guide and support such people. It’s time for me to reach for the good and allow the rest to slide on by. I listen to the wisdom of the still, small voice…and feel the peace.