• About
  • Contact me

Killing Me Softly: Emotional & Psychological Abuse

~ Now that physical abuse is in the limelight and punishable by law, abusers have resorted to more insidious forms of control. The effects are just as destructive, more enduring, and more difficult to overcome.

Tag Archives: anger

Boundaries: A Litmus Test for Potential Abusers

29 Monday Sep 2014

Posted by Melinda Jensen in Abuse, Boundaries, Controlling People, Emotional abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Relationships, Spirituality, Verbal abuse

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

Abuse, abusive relationships, anger, Assertiveness, Boundaries, Controlling People, Counseling, dysfunctional relationships, Emotional Abuse, Emotional and Psychological Abuse, Narcissism, Verbal Abuse

Abusers have no respect for boundaries. Even if you attempt to build an impenetrable fortress around you, an abuser will think nothing of blowing it up with the equivalent of emotional and psychological dynamite. You’ll find yourself crushed and flattened under the rubble, and while you’re crawling back out you’ll be blamed for the fine mess you’ve gotten yourself into.

Once you’ve extricated yourself from a toxic relationship, this tell-tale disrespect of personal boundaries can be a useful guide when it comes to avoiding the attentions of, and entanglements with other controlling people in the future. In fact, life seems to be handing me plenty of opportunities to hone this particular skill since I separated from my husband just over a year ago.

For example my hackles automatically go up when someone offers unsolicited advice. I don’t need to be told what to do; I need a listening ear and empathy. There are times when I need help. We all do, but it isn’t helpful if someone takes over my show. Both these instances – offering advice I haven’t asked for, and crossing the line between help and control – show that the other person has boundary issues; that they aren’t aware of where their personhood finishes and mine begins. Hence, they step into my space and act as if they are me. My emotional response is usually an internal feeling of anger at being ‘pushed around’. We need to listen to anger. In and of itself, it is not a negative emotion but a protective one. Anger tells us when our boundaries are being crossed, whether those boundaries are physical or psychic. Anger tells us we need to protect ourselves in some way.

Anger is your friend. Use it well and wisely.

Boundaries are also crossed whenever people label us as something we know to be untrue of ourselves. I recently pointed out to a relatively new male friend that I found an email joke he sent me inappropriate, outlining my reasons quite clearly. He turned nasty and told me (this person who barely knows me) that I have issues. I’d like a dollar for every controlling person who’s analysed my ‘issues’ for me without taking a jolly good look in the mirror first. It’s not that I believe I don’t have any issues. As far as I’m concerned the human condition is all about issues, and our efforts to overcome them, in our quest for personal and spiritual maturity. It’s just that I don’t believe an amateur psychologist has any right to take me apart and act as judge and jury regarding my emotional stability or lack thereof; nor do I believe I have the particular set of issues allocated to me by this almost-stranger.

I’m extremely grateful for these warning signs. By paying heed I have effectively sidestepped a couple of potential relationships that would likely have led to more control, abuse and grief. Perhaps I should have given them the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps if I had given them another chance or two or three, I might have granted them the opportunity to choose to grow and change. But I’ve reached an age and stage where I no longer wish to wait around for someone to catch up with me. I no longer wish to teach and guide and support such people. It’s time for me to reach for the good and allow the rest to slide on by. I listen to the wisdom of the still, small voice…and feel the peace.

Try setting a boundary and observe what happens. A controlling person will always react negatively.

Share this:

  • Pinterest
  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Tumblr
  • Email

Like this:

Like Loading...

Spiritual Rape

09 Tuesday Sep 2014

Posted by Melinda Jensen in Abuse, Childhood wounds, Emotional abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Rape, Relationships, Spirituality, Verbal abuse

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

Abuse, abusive relationships, anger, Domestic Violence, Emotional Abuse, Emotional and Psychological Abuse, mysoginy, Psychological Abuse, Psychology, Rape, Spiritual Wounds, Spirituality, Verbal Abuse, wounded inner child

Cruel words destroy the soulLife and death are in the power of the tongue…Proverbs 18:21

I had quite an epiphany last night while watching ‘Law and Order: Special Victims Unit’. Generally, I avoid graphic television programs and movies that trigger my trauma reactions, as I clearly don’t handle them well. (Frankly, I’m not sure a society that ‘expects’ its members to handle images of violence, particularly sexual violence, is a healthy one, but that’s a topic for a whole new series of posts.)

The episode revolved around a college fraternity with a history of its privileged male students, who come from wealthy homes, raping inexperienced young female students, usually employing brutal gang rape strategies. As heinous as that crime is, what followed in its wake was almost worse – a complicated system of set-ups and cover-ups that effectively silenced the victims and neatly flipped each situation onto its back so that the young woman would be portrayed as the guilty party. In order to protect the ‘good’ name of their privileged white male population (whose families donated generously to college funds and sat on its board of directors), all members of campus staff were complicit in deflecting the finger of accusation from the perpetrators onto the victims. Hundreds of young male students embarked on a campaign of humiliation and degradation in order to destroy the reputations of the girls and protect their mates. Unsurprisingly, a number of these young women were driven out of their minds, and one particularly sensitive soul to suicide, by the blaming, shaming and disbelief of their truth. This is the facet of the story I can relate to so well. It enrages me more than the rape itself, as peculiar as that must seem. Continue reading →

Share this:

  • Pinterest
  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Tumblr
  • Email

Like this:

Like Loading...

A word on Rage

17 Thursday Jul 2014

Posted by Melinda Jensen in Uncategorized

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

Abuse, anger, crazy-making behaviour, dysfunctional relationships, Emotional Abuse, rage, Relationship abuse, Spiritual Wounds, Step-parenting, Verbal Abuse

Rage

Rage is a normal response to abuse. It is an appropriate response to being deprived of the liberty to act from one’s own reality, to live by one’s own standards and values, and to being silenced.

My ex-husband recently sent me an email in which he states that, even after 10 months of separation, during which time I’ve been essentially homeless, he does not want me to return to the property. For first time visitors to my blog, the brief story is that there are two dwellings on our rural block, both fully self-contained and separate. I wish, and have wished from the beginning, to reside quietly in the second dwelling until we’re able to sell the property and move on. I am well within my rights to do so, and anyone who knows me also knows I’m perfectly capable of going about my business in a peaceful manner. The property market is extremely slow right now and it may take another year, or perhaps longer to sell such a lifestyle block.

But my husband has banished me, expecting me to continue this itinerant style of living indefinitely, despite my debilitating health condition. His reason? My rage. He states he and his family don’t need the inconvenience of having me around, since I have, on occasion, been very, very angry. He goes on to smoothly say that he understands now that my rage comes from past childhood abuse, exacerbated by my physical illness, and he has much compassion for me. Sounds sweet, doesn’t it? If only it were true. Continue reading →

Share this:

  • Pinterest
  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Tumblr
  • Email

Like this:

Like Loading...
Follow Killing Me Softly: Emotional & Psychological Abuse on WordPress.com

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 541 other subscribers

Previous posts

A sample of blogs I Follow

  • Documenting M.E.
  • Jo so and sew
  • john pavlovitz
  • The Origins of Left Behind Eschatology
  • Button Counter
  • Jessica Kate Writing
  • ChurchWatch Central
  • Matter Of Facts
  • debi riley
  • justajesusfollower.wordpress.com/
  • AFFAIRCARE
  • FOX 4 Kansas City WDAF-TV | News, Weather, Sports
  • Peaceful Single Girl
  • Christ-Centered Counseling

Blog Stats

  • 50,098 hits

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 541 other subscribers

Follow me on Bloglovin!

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

My pages

  • About
  • Contact me

Blog at WordPress.com.

Documenting M.E.

Documenting my journey down the rabbit hole of Myalgic Encephalomyelitis

Jo so and sew

john pavlovitz

Stuff That Needs To Be Said

The Origins of Left Behind Eschatology

by David Malcolm Bennett

Button Counter

Lots of fun. Crazy, quilty, fun...and seam rippers.

Jessica Kate Writing

Romances with sass, wit and grit

ChurchWatch Central

#churchwatchcentral

Matter Of Facts

An idiosyncratic collection of facts (and the occasional opinion)

debi riley

The Creative Zone for Making Art

justajesusfollower.wordpress.com/

AFFAIRCARE

...nouthetic, Christian care after an affair.

FOX 4 Kansas City WDAF-TV | News, Weather, Sports

FOX4KC WDAF-TV

Peaceful Single Girl

Seeking to exalt Christ in the lives and relationships of Christian single women

Christ-Centered Counseling

Privacy & Cookies: This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this website, you agree to their use.
To find out more, including how to control cookies, see here: Cookie Policy
  • Follow Following
    • Killing Me Softly: Emotional & Psychological Abuse
    • Join 163 other followers
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • Killing Me Softly: Emotional & Psychological Abuse
    • Customize
    • Follow Following
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar
 

Loading Comments...
 

    %d bloggers like this: