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You’d think the world would ‘get’ the message about victim bashing by now, wouldn’t you? But let me assure you…it does not. If you believe you’ll be able to stand tall in a court of law, tell the truth and be both vindicated and compensated because you have suffered what amounts to psychological torture, I must persuade you to think again.
Our justice system is not set up to pursue justice or truth. It is set up to reward those with the most resources, those who have no scruples, those who already believe they’re entitled to everything they want; those who assume their own superiority. In other words, the justice system is tailor-made for stroking the egos of abusers, falling for their lies, and handing their on a platter, the outcome they fully believes is their due.
Even worse is the fact that the legal system is also set up to punish those who
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have the least resources; those who speak the truth and nothing but the truth, so help them God; those who assume every human being has equal value and the right to fair play. These, the victims, are putty in the hands of ruthless legal eagles, just as they were putty in the hands of their tormentors.
Believe me, I have walked the walk. There is nothing pretty on that particular catwalk. Prepare to leave your dignity at the courtroom door, to suffer more humiliation as you hear lies and accusations leveled at you with such overwhelming confidence you can’t think straight – just as you couldn’t think straight during all those crazy-making conversations with your accuser; manipulated into believing you are both ‘bad’ and ‘mad’ by relentless gaslighting. (For an explanation of gaslighting, see my post on crazy-making behaviour here.)
The legal profession has a very high percentage of psychopathology among its ranks, far higher than in the normal population. They like nothing better than to band together with fellow ego-maniacs with the aim of screwing the little people. In court-cases in which abusers are involved, the victim is always ‘the little people’. Insignificant. Just listen to your abuser expound about all those years he worked towards putting his ‘wealth’ together and how you, his victim, are a money-grubbing gold digger who is mentally unhinged.
Abusers won’t bat an eye at the idea of lying under oath or signing their names to an affidavit that tears you, once-beloved, to utter shreds. You will be astounded at the number of lies that can be fitted on one page and at the manipulative spin put on every ‘story’ told. After all, it’s a divorce or property settlement case. Abusers can say whatever they want. No one is prosecuted for perjury under the family law act. It’s a free-for-all and your ex-partner will take full advantage of it; there are no external restraints on behaviour and abusers see no need to restrain themselves.
The only thing abusers can’t bear is being exposed for who they really are. Remove that possibility and place them in a courtroom where they are prepared to say and do anything to get what they want (to decimate you publicly and ensure you get nothing), fueled by their financial advantage and the status they’ve fabricated for the benefit of wooing the legal team, and you stand no chance.
I heard accusations from the registrar that had me reeling and it was only in retrospect that I was able to comprehend what had happened. My nemesis had spun such a convincing story of sacrificial martyrdom with a ‘hard few years’ behind him, who’d tried to give me everything I ever wanted only to be repaid by my ‘insanity’, using every trick of emotional blackmail in his repertoire. He said he was still devastated by the death of his first wife. For four years I had heard him say nothing but derogatory and defamatory things about her. She was psycho, he told me – a nutjob; crazy; frankly mad; controlling; without empathy; manipulative and a drug addict. He would sneer and snarl with every word. When I saw his head in his hands, his shoulders slumped, convincing the registrar of his sincerity by using his first wife’s suicide to garner sympathy, I knew I was beaten. The best I could do was exit with dignity.
My lawyer assured me I had the moral victory and that my ex-husband would always resent me for it.
Cold comfort. Cold, cold comfort as I sit here with my future in tatters.
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Killing Me Softly: Emotional & Psychological Abuse 
It makes me very happy to have been there for you in a small way. Validation is sooooooooooo important for us … who have been trained not to trust our own perceptions. We’re also innately honest people, otherwise we wouldn’t have been targeted by a narcissist. The sheer gall they show when they lie in court and manipulate the system is quite shocking for us to contemplate. I hope you’re through this rough patch now. I’m happily tripping the light fantastic these days … on my own but not lonely. Love and light.
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Reblogged this on The Fight For 1 More … and commented:
That was almost exactly my experience. Luckily, my malignant narcissist crossed the lines just enough to not “win” custody. However, I had tremendous resources that other women might not have had which enabled some of the truth to be heard. He continues his abuse to this day since I can no longer afford legally to fight him. The order by the judge for his harassment to stop, means nothing and he knows it. The only thing I hold on to, is my faith in God. The enemy had already been defeated, now I just need to find a way to live as if I believe it.
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Apologies for not catching up with you before this. I think WordPress has been a little lax in letting me know when comments arrive. And someone recently tried to hack into my blog…sigh.
I think one of the greatest issues with the legal system is that our abusers know full well that it’s virtually impossible to impose any court orders. It’s just one more pathetic loophole in the system that enables domestic violence. Yes, the resources certainly help with the fight. I wish I’d had the opportunity to really fight my abuser and accuser – like most narcissists, he ensured he had all the finances tied up and available only to himself. There needs to be a complete overhaul of the system, which is still based in the power inequities of the patriarchy.
I’m sorry to hear that your ex continues his abuse. I truly wish I knew a foolproof way to ensure it stops but like you, I rely on God to pull me through. Peace, love and light to you. Melinda
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Melinda – that was exactly the reality grounding I needed this week. I needed to hear someone else agree about their abuser knowing the legal system loopholes… It’s such a constant battle to try to keep on top of what he throws! Thank you!
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My new partner is about to go through the legal process with his abusive ex. I’m doing my best to support and inform him. It makes me quite grateful for the experience I went through at the hands of my abuser, which may seem a little strange. I’m so please you feel grounded and validated. That’s exactly what you need. Love and light.
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I am gearing up for a court case against my ex. His wife is abusing my kids. I am in desperate need of information that shows the abuser does it in secret and uses any means possible. Can you help?
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Hi Lisa, I think I’d go out of my mind if my children were being abused like yours are. You’ll need every ounce of courage you can muster to stand your ground. I can certainly tell you that it’s not going to be easy but I’m sure you know that already. I’ve just woken up here and have a full day ahead of me but this evening I’ll be able to put some thought into this delicate situation for you. There are one or two things that come to mind immediately, like never use ‘labels’ such as ‘narcissistic’ or narcissistic personality disorder in front of the courts as they don’t understand what it means and will likely think you’re just trying to look superior. (Wouldn’t your abuser just love that?) And, of course, document every little thing, even if you have no ‘proof’ of guilt…just document it and make sure you date it. A picture may well emerge that’s difficult for the courts to deny. Would you prefer to do this via email rather than have it in public view? That too, could go against you, you see. If your ex or his new wife can point to social media and accuse you of trying to muddy their good name out of malice, you’ll be hard pushed to prove otherwise. My email address is:
. Please don’t hesitate to use it and we’ll see if we can get you some information and support.
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I wonder, now, just why his first wife committed suicide?
If he treated you abysmally, I wonder if he treated her the same way. There are those who just can’t fight back, who give up hope.
It has been my observation that, when that time comes, one of two things happens to those poor souls: they get sick with autoimmune diseases, cancer, or something of that ilk which cuts short their lives. Or, they cut their lives short themselves.
There but for the grace of God go so many, I think.
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There is no doubt i my mind that his wife committed suicide because of his treatment of her. They were married for 24 years, during which she did, indeed, develop an illness that appears to have been autoimmune but was never properly diagnozed. He used to tell me she was simply mad and had manipulated the doctors and specialists into giving her a morphine pump and a wheel chair. Yeah right. That she abused substances is quite true…as do so many victims of abuse. I recently read that a victim of severe emotional abuse is around 8 times more likely to be a substance abuser, particularly of alcohol. I can vouch for that. For the duration of my marriage, alcohol was all that could dull the pain and allow me to sleep at night. It made me forget for a short time. In the end, I wasn’t ‘weak’ enough for him. I fought back…and abusers hate that. I wasn’t compliant or needy enough. Again, abusers hate that. His first wife, however, was all those things and had attempted suicide twice previously. They were serious attempts, not just calls for attention, and she was lucky to have survived either of them…not so lucky the third time. The question that haunts is why…if she had attempted suicide previously, did she have full access to her medications and prescriptions. Having worked in a psych ward, and for a clinical psychologist, I know perfectly well that she would have been released into her husband’s care with the direction that she not be given access to her meds. He would have been instructed to keep the medication on his person, or under lock and key, with only himself knowing the whereabouts of the key…and to give her only enough to get her through each day. In my opinion, and in the opinion of mental health professionals who are aware of what I went through at his hands, he set her up. He drove her to utter despair and desperation, ensured she was completely dependent and couldn’t live without him…then announced the divorce…knowing she had access to enough medication to kill her….and knowing she would use it. It makes me shudder. There are killers out there – those who murder by suicide…and they’re getting away with it. Bless you for your insight.
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