See the quiet person standing in the corner, impeccably dressed and not really engaging with the people around them?

You might assume they’re the strong, silent type, or perhaps that they’re a thoughtful introvert. Or maybe they’re just plain shy.

Or perhaps, just perhaps, you’ve just spotted a covert narcissist. They’re slippery customers and you shouldn’t trust your first impressions. You can, however, learn to be aware of the markers – the red flags – of covert narcissism – if you want to avoid their clutches. And believe me, you do want to avoid their clutches.

While this blog isn’t about narcissists per se, narcissism features prominently on its pages and posts because there’s an undeniable link between people with a high level of narcissistic traits and the tendency to be extremely abusive. They are master manipulators with a layer of superficial charm, and often the intelligence to ‘play’ you until they have what they want. While not all narcissists are abusers, we can safely say that all abusers have a high level of narcissistic traits. While few will have a clinical diagnosis of full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder, they will display some of the same nefarious personality traits.

Overt narcissists are easy to identify. They’re garrulous, have flamboyant gestures and are often magnanimous with their praise, mostly of themselves but also of their chosen targets, at least in the early stages of the relationship. Most are flagrantly boastful and seemingly without shame. People are often attracted by their confidence and ability to take charge.

Covert narcissism, however, is in many ways far more insidious in the way it draws us into the orbit of someone who seems to be quite introverted, perhaps a little needy and unsure of themselves, charmingly self-deprecating and with a seemingly unassuming disposition. They’re magnets for those of us who have high levels of empathy.

And they know it!

Relationships with narcissists are not always romantic. They exploit all their relationships…familial, friendship-based, intimate or business.

Generally, true introverts are a delight to be around. They’re great listeners and not averse to joining in interesting conversations in their own quiet way. They won’t talk over the top of you or attempt to steal your thunder, and they tend to be there for you when you need a listening ear and a helping hand. They get you.

Covert narcissists however, while having the appearance of being introverted, differ from introverts in that they’re very poor listeners, largely because they’re not the slightest bit interested in anyone else or in their lives and problems. They believe themselves to be far superior to the average Joe or Joanna, a belief that underpins their aura of magnetic aloofness. They can be truly condescending, but rather than use obvious verbal putdowns, they’ll likely betray themselves with a ‘bored’ look, a rude yawn or a well-timed eye-roll. Watching out for the subtle non-verbal gestures that indicate indifference and arrogance, is crucial in differentiating between a genuine introvert and a covert narcissist. It won’t be until later in the relationship that you’ll notice specific verbal cues giving them away and making you extremely uncomfortable. Personally, I feel extremely stressed when in the company of these people, and have learned to heed the warning…a gut feeling…to stay away from them.

Like all narcissists, the covert variety are on their very best behaviour in the early stages of the relationship, and are eminently capable of love-bombing you with their sweet neediness. They might make you feel like you’re the most desirable, loveable, and intriguingly clever person in their world, simply because they can’t bear to be away from you, needing you to be close by at all times, desperate to know what you think; and needing constant reassurances. Trust me, this becomes exhausting. But by the time emotional fatigue sets in, you’re likely to be well-embroiled in their game, feeling your sanity slowly slipping away, along with your patience.

To be around a covert narcissist is confusing to say the least, expert as they are at giving mismatched and mixed signals, keeping you constantly off-balance and unsure of yourself.

And in my experience, while all narcissists will suck you dry, a covert narcissist is a consummate maestro when it comes to emotional vampirism. They’ll ring every last drop of energy and emotion from you and still be left wanting more.

My next post will address the verbal behaviours of covert narcissists that inevitably appear in the next stage of the relationship…after the initial love-bombing. These behaviours have the same impact as the blatant verbal put-downs and scathing dressing downs received at the hands of an overt narcissist, while masquerading as humour, compliments (usually backhanded), care and concern. If anything, this subtler form of gaslighting is more crazy-making than its blatant counterpart.

What to take from this post:

Covert narcissists:

1.  Are quiet and aloof

2.  Are supercilious/condescending

3.  Believe they’re superior to their fellow human beings

4.  Are extremely needy

5.  Are insecure and jealous

6.  Engage in non-verbal behaviours that indicate their internal state of emptiness.

What to watch out for:

Inappropriate yawning

Rude eye rolling

Sighing and looking away when others speak

Disinterest in engaging with other people’s conversations

Poor listening skills

Any facial expression that looks disdainful