Category Archives: Retraumatizing

Medical Gaslighting

07 Saturday Oct 2023

Posted by in Abuse, Abuse victims, Blog about abuse, Controlling People, Emotional abuse, Injustice, Medical Abuse, Medical Gaslighting, Neuroscience and abuse, Oppression of women, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Retraumatizing, Uncategorized

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Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net/imagerymajestic

Today I delve into a unique form of abuse perpetrated against a unique group of people…those with invisible illnesses. The culprits are our respected and trusted medical professionals, to whom we turn at our most vulnerable.

A demonstrable link exists between long term abuse and the development of chronic, auto-immune and neurological illnesses. This is not because these diseases are psychosomatic, but because relentless abuse keeps us hypervigilant, stressed and anxious for years on end. This unremitting stress eventually collapses the immune system, allowing opportunistic viruses, bacteria, fungus and parasites to cause irreparable damage to multiple bodily systems.

Because these diseases are often invisible, with complex aetiology, disease patterns and prognosis, they are frequently dismissed by medical professionals as ‘all in our heads’, despite modern MRI, SPECT and other medical imaging that reveals clear biological damage. Brain lesions, cardiac disease, adrenal insufficiency and muscle abnormalities are but the tip of the iceberg. Despite this evidence, and because these invisible illnesses largely befall women, medical professionals conveniently put us in the too hard basket. We’re labelled hysterical women and offered no guidance or treatment, only disdain. In many cases, doctors are downright negligent and responsible for the rapid decline of far too many patients. Whatever happened to ‘first do no harm’?

For many seriously ill people, this medical mindset rubs off on family, friends, employers and government agencies, who label us lazy, neurotic, self-centred malingerers. Yet couch potatoes rarely contract invisible illnesses. Chronically sick people, once hardworking and committed, are left with no ability to perform basic daily functions, too sick to work and left to cope completely unsupported; living in poverty, sometimes homeless, going without food and basic necessities. They are largely friendless and forgotten, neglected and maligned by every facet of society.

This, my friends, is medical gaslighting. It is systemic abuse at its finest.

A snapshot of my own personal experience of medical gaslighting:

In 1994, while single parenting two young daughters, I began to experience excessively heavy and lengthy menstrual periods. I bled pretty much non-stop, with the occasional few days off per month. Even donning heavy flow, double-protection right before driving the kids to school, blood would be dripping into my boots by the time I arrived home. Doctor after doctor fobbed me off, occasionally prescribing me a different contraceptive pill. None made a difference. No doctor took my blood count, or thought to palpate my uterus.

Eventually, I stuck with a doctor who seemed like a ‘nice guy’ but even so, six months later, nothing had changed. I continued to decline under his care until a friend popped in one day, took one look at me and ordered, ‘Take your makeup off, get in the car! I’m taking you to the doctor and I’m not leaving until he’s booked you into the hospital.’ And so, I did.

The doctor spoke briefly to the hospital registrar. ‘She’s a bit anaemic. Her blood count’s probably around 10.’

In fact, it teetered around 6.4. I needed a massive and immediate blood transfusion with doctors hoping I wouldn’t fall into a coma. Fortunately, I didn’t, and weeks later I went under the surgeon’s knife to remove a huge uterine fibroid tumour. A nasty wound infection and reaction to antibiotics followed.

Before I recovered from surgery, I contracted the virus that caused my Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME). I firmly believe that, had I received timely medical treatment, my life would have followed a vastly different trajectory. You see, I never recovered, and am now a 28-year veteran of the disease.     

1995 though, was only the beginning of the medical gaslighting. After contracting ME, and desperately seeking answers, working part time and raising my girls unsupported, I was floundering. I needed time off work and went in search of an appropriate medical certificate. It was only when I left the surgery that I read it: ‘Melinda Jensen is suffering from Melinda Jensen.’

Back I went to show the doctor her her, ‘mistake’. She laughed. ‘I think it’s pretty accurate.’

Being disbelieved, shamed, and invalidated is soul crushing.

Another day, another doctor. This guy’s words both stunned and stung me. ‘You just need to make up your mind that this is it. This is as good as it gets. It’s a woman’s lot in life to suffer.’

Sick of hearing it yet? I was definitely sick of living it. But 2009 brought another opportunity to be treated like the village idiot. A vehicle accident landed me in hospital where I was examined by the duty doctor. I described my pain intensity…high!..and indicated where I believed my bones were broken. After a gruff examination, Dr Couldn’t-care-less refused an Xray, since I ‘clearly’ had no broken bones and was just suffering from a bit of bruising. (Oh, silly bloody me!) I begged to differ. He argued the toss. Thank God my oldest daughter arrived. Fixing him with her ‘don’t mess with me’ stare, she insisted.

He caved…angrily. ‘They won’t find anything!

He was wrong. The radiologist identified 6 broken ribs, a broken collar bone, punctured lung and torn rotator cuff. The doctor stormed off!

A couple of years and many doctors later I chanced upon a GP who seemed genuinely kind. I presented him with the current research and asked specifically for a SPECT scan and MRI of the brain. He hummed and hawed, gave me a goofy grin, and said the scans would find nothing. But he was willing to order them! A small win.

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net/stockdevil

The results revealed significantly reduced blood flow on the brain SPECT (indicating brain pathology) and significant white matter lesions on the MRI (ie brain damage not unlike that seen in Multiple Sclerosis). My ‘kind’ doctor was surprised (I seem to surprise doctors quite a bit.) Then he hit me with, ‘Are you working yet?’

He concluded every appointment after that the same way, ‘Are you working yet?’

I’ve been too ill to work for decades now and am currently bed-bound for the best part of the day.

I’d like to say that was the end of the medical gaslighting…but not much has changed since 1995.

In the grand scheme of things, my story isn’t important, but it is illustrative. I’m one of millions of people who have invisible illnesses, including . We receive criminally negligent treatment from medical professionals the world over…an appalling abuse of trust perpetrated against some of the most vulnerable members of society by some of the most powerful.

For shame!

(For more information on Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME/CFS) please see https://www.nightingale.ca/)

Traumatic Memories & the Trauma Response

23 Sunday Jul 2017

Posted by in Abuse, Childhood wounds, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Counselling, Emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Narcissistic abuse, Neuroscience and abuse, Personal growth, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Recovery from abuse, Relationships, Retraumatizing, self love, spiritual growth, Triggering, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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silhouette of a man asking for help

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net/foto76

Memories can be wonderful … but not always. Sometimes they thrust themselves into consciousness without warning or invitation, knocking the air clean out of our lungs. Like a kick in the gut with steel-capped boots, an unwelcome memory can force us to your knees , gagging, or send us stumbling numbly in search of a dark, dark cupboard in which to hide … a cupboard that holds no Narnia on its other side, but only ghoulies and ghosties and long-legged beasties and things that go bump in the night.

Some time after the witching hour last night, a memory came to visit. I tried to grab it by the throat and force it back through the door of my dreams, but still it came … stealthy and relentless. And then came another … and yet another. Today I’m barely able to function.

Such is the reality of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, a response all too common to survivors of verbal, emotional and psychological abuse. I wish I could tell you how to make it stop. Psychologists will teach you cognitive behavioural techniques (CBT) – the mode of therapy that is currently flavour of the month. It aims to mediate your emotions by getting you to control your own thought processes and attitudes. What the ‘experts’ don’t seem to understand, or tell you, is that the deep-seated feelings of horror and terror that result from years of cruelty actually circumvent the normal neural pathways. And that lack of understanding comes very close to ‘victim blaming’; it unleashes a barrage of guilt and alienates us from much needed love and support.
During my own (long-ago, pre-illness) studies of psychology, I learned that it is, in fact, not possible for researchers to determine whether the physical responses associated with anxiety – the release of stress hormones, which lead to rapid heart rate and pulse, etc) – pre-empt the feeling of fear itself, or whether the fear triggers the physical response. It’s the physical processes that make us shake with fear or paralyze us; that make us feel sick and our palms sweat as the blood thuds and throbs through our heads, leaving us spent. Researchers still don’t know whether the chicken comes before the egg.

Truth is, memories or events that evoke a trauma response trigger automatic emotions first … and the thoughts then follow. From there we scramble to make cognitive sense of them while our fight or flight responses are on auto-pilot, ready to take off like a jump jet. Add in the fact that stress (in all its forms – anxiety, fear etc) shuts down our normal cognitive processes, making it impossible to think straight, and we have a wrecking ball massive enough to demolish the very fabric of our being.

Under these circumstances I believe it’s virtually impossible to be rational – although I baulk at fully embracing that concept with its implication that we just can’t help ourselves. There has to be some level of personal responsibility, certainly, but there needs to be an attitude of compassion, too. Compassion not only from others but also compassion for ourselves. Sometimes we need to cut ourselves some slack. That doesn’t mean allowing ourselves to be out of control; to rant and rave at others; to get drunk and drive fast in an attempt to get away from ourselves; or to engage in any other forms of destructive behaviour.

What it means is to understand that the feeling itself is okay.

We are NOT DEFECTIVE! We are injured and may always carry painful scars that adhere to our souls … wounds that are easily reopened. It is NOT OUR FAULT. We are who we are. Survivors.

shy girl

We need to accept ourselves with all our battle-scars even if no-one else does, and we need to nurture our own wounded inner child. Imagine how you might treat a little girl or boy who has been irrevocably damaged by some adult monster. What would you say to her? How would you soothe and reassure him? If you were harmed by an intimate partner and not by a parent, your inner child is still just as wounded. We all carry that vulnerable facet deep within us and it is this very precious, fragile part of our souls that our abusers hone in on in their attempts to destroy us.

Some of us turn to God and hand our brokenness to Him; the perfect parent; the ever-loving spouse who cherishes us in a way no human being ever can. He is the keeper of my soul and my only true solace when the demons of trauma return to torment me. He scoops me up and cradles me in His powerful yet gentle arms and kisses me like the wounded child I truly am.

 

 

 

Using vulnerability against you; aka throwing your past in your face

23 Saturday Apr 2016

Posted by in Abuse, Childhood wounds, Controlling People, counseling, Emotional abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Relationship abuse, Retraumatizing, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse, Vulnerability

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Sad face, masque

Image courtesy of FreeDigitaalPhotos.net/Stuart Miles

So you’ve put your past behind you? You’ve been to therapy and turned yourself inside out in order to deal with your demons and find the silver lining on your clouded past. Life’s been tough but you’re an overcomer. Good for you! Most people don’t have the courage. Well done. You’re going from strength to strength, right?

Hang on a minute! There’s someone in your life who thinks differently; someone you love, or someone who is an unavoidable part of your life who’s not letting you move on; who doesn’t recognize your growth. Each and every time you’re discussing an issue; trying to make your point heard; simply baring your soul, or building a bridge – what happens?

‘Oh … but you’ve had three failed relationships.’ ‘Oh … but you never finished your education.’ Or how about my personal favourite – ‘You’re sick in the head because of your past childhood sexual abuse. Everything you do and say is coloured by it. That’s why your so angry all the time.’

The implication? You failure, you! You hopeless case. You value-less human being. Why should anyone EVER listen to what you say? Or believe you? Who cares about the circumstances you’ve struggled through and healed from? You will forever be a disappointment in their eyes – the subject of derision and devaluation. Why? Because it makes them feel better to believe that. Because if they look fairly and squarely at what you’ve been through … what you’ve conquered … they’ll have to admit they couldn’t do what  you did. They’re not strong enough.

And so they throw it in your face – time and time again.

You’ll find yourself endlessly wanting to have rational discussions about the issues and difficulties of life; of your relationship … but you’ll find yourself dragged back down to one point … one and only point. Your shortcomings … your vulnerabilities … your past. You’ve dealt with it … but they haven’t. So they use it against you – to WIN. To silence you. To win the power struggle that is their sole goal. Abusers view every interaction as a win/lose situation and they’re determined that they’ll win and you’ll lose. Psychologically healthy individuals realize that, where relationships are concerned, when one person loses, the whole relationship loses. The ‘winner’ gains power but never intimacy.

If you find yourself bringing up the same grievances time and time again, look for the bait you’re being thrown to distract you from the issue at hand. Distraction is one of the most manipulative tools a controlling person can use against you. It confuses you; throws you off the trail and makes you instantly the bad guy, no matter what the other party has done to harm you. It just one more ugly game in their repertoire. Don’t fall for it. And remember, mud sticks best to the cleanest wall.

 

 

 

 

Retraumatization – what happens when you’re triggered.

02 Tuesday Feb 2016

Posted by in Abuse victims, Counselling, Emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from emotional abuse, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Psycopathology, Rape, Recovery from abuse, Relationships, Retraumatizing, Triggering, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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The greatest gift you are ever going to give someone – the permission to feel safe in their own skin. To feel worthy. To feel like they are enough.

Hannah Brencher

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.com/Chrisroll

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.com/Chrisroll

Of the hundreds of people with whom I’ve interacted via this blog and on facebook, not one who has been on the receiving end of relentless emotional abuse feels ‘safe’ – not in their own skin, not in the company of others nor in contact with their outer or inner worlds.

I have been there. Sometimes I still am. One word, one look, one innuendo can jettison me back through time so fast that I become that child, that spouse; you know, the one who will never be good enough, all over again. In less than a heartbeat I am metaphorically tossed onto the cold hard tiles I was once brutally thrown on in a physical sense. The emotional pain though, runs deeper, right to the arteries, until I feel I’ll surely bleed to death without the slightest scratch to evidence my injury. I find myself fighting the urge to curl into the tiniest, tiniest ball – like some deformed foetus – and crawl into the farthest corner of the darkest cupboard – until the end of time. It is an agony to just ‘be’.

When I am ‘triggered’ like this, I am fighting the urge to ‘not be’ … that is, to not exist. I want desperately to flee to the arms of the Great I Am. There is no solace on this earth. But I stay. I breathe through it. I think of my children and my grandchildren … and I resist the compulsion to run into the night and take the path to the cliff edge a short walk from here. Once there, I know I would fall … because I would want to fall.

This woundedness is something I will probably never completely recover from. Such things are embedded too deep in the psyche and surrounded by a dense network of pain, and nightmarish fears that have been reinforced over and over again.

A  Jungian psychologist would refer to this phenomenon, I believe, as a complex. The existence of complexes is almost universally agreed upon in the field of depth psychology. The underlying assumption is that the most important influences on your personality are deep in the unconscious (Dewey, 2007). Because they are buried so deep they are often unavailable to our consciousness, making mediation of the intense emotions evoked by activation of a complex extraordinarily difficult. Many psychologists hold that, indeed, complexes are impossible to cure and can, at best, be managed.

Unlike the other aspects of consciousness, complexes are peculiarly autonomous. They either force themselves on our awareness, breaking through the inhibitory processes of consciousness, or will hide from us, refusing to be brought to awareness at will. They can be both obsessive and possessive. When they break through, believe me, they are in charge of you. That makes them both scary and destructive.

So there I was … recently. Triggered. Wanting to die. Wanting to disappear. And having no idea how to handle the situation.

This story has a happy ending, however … and I believe such happy endings are rare. There is one ingredient … one unique and rare ingredient … that brings about healing. I have found it. I have been gifted with it. My next post will elaborate. Love and light to all who read this.