Just like Overt Narcissists, the covert narc will love bomb you in the early stages of the relationship, but the manner in which they woo you is different.

They’ll listen intently to every word you say, making you feel completely heard and understood, perhaps for the first time ever. They’ll also mirror you – pretending to be interested in what you’re interested in; your likes and dislikes; your goals and aspirations.

It’s seductive stuff. You might…and probably will…believe you’ve met your true soulmate. Your values are the same, your goals, your plans for the future, your tastes in music, art, politics and home decor. You name it. What magic!

Until the rot sets in…right after they have you hooked. At this point, a covert narcissist’s mask will slip…a mask that hides who they truly are. And who are they really? The polar opposite of what you see when their mask is firmly on.

If they’ve been kind till now, they’ll reveal themselves as downright emotionally and verbally cruel. If they’ve been gentle with your feelings in the past, they’ll now be brutal. Their flip to the dark side comes as a shock.

Once you reach that stage in the relationship, their verbal behaviour will change, even if yours remains consistent. At first it will be subtle. After presenting themselves as well-calibrated, mentally balanced, spiritual, kind, non-materialistic, non-judgemental and humble, they’ll let you know about the past traumas or experiences that have deeply affected them in a negative manner. All these experiences will be the fault of someone else. You’re meant to feel very sorry for them, such wonderful people as they believe themselves to be.

There’s nothing wrong with some well-placed empathy on your part. Empathy is a highly desirable trait in ourselves and our partners. It’s the degree of empathy a covert narcissist needs, repeatedly, that drains you dry. At the same time, they begin to diminish your own troubles and experiences, tossing them off as trivial compared to their own. Why? Because they’re highly invested in being the biggest martyr, the longest suffering and most tortured creature, no less than Jesus Christ himself on the cross. Some covert narcissists do, in fact, have a religious fixation, identifying completely with the martyrdom of the saints, and not necessarily within a Christian worldview. All major religions have their martyrs and so do atheists.

If you’ve had a rough day and want to talk about it with them, you’ll get five seconds of, ‘Oh, yeah, that’s awful.’ (Perhaps accompanied by an eye roll or a bored look, or even a contemptuous laugh.) Then, wait for it! ‘But what about my day, darling? Do you know what I’ve had to go through today?’ Your own feelings will now be neatly sidelined while they regale you with hours and hours of their woes.

If you’re sick, they’re always sicker. If you’re tired, they’re so completely exhausted they can’t lift a finger. If you’re sad, they’re in a major depression. You’ll have to put on your big girl panties and suck it up because they need your full quota of sympathy.

And you’d better give it to them, or the rage will set in, often displayed by pointed passive aggressive behaviours and words. (More about passive aggressive behaviours in a future post.)

You’ll notice a distinct pattern over time, and you’ll pay the price of feeling unimportant, unseen, unheard and unloved while, at the same time, having to find resources deep within you to continue supporting and sympathizing with the other.

As with all abuse, the abuse of a covert narcissist is cyclic, orbiting through all the stages of abuse, from love-bombing, to disenchantment, to devaluation and abuse, and back again.

No relationship, not even a friendship, can sustain continuous emotional neglect. And if you’re wondering whether neglecting someone emotionally is abusive, I can say for sure that it is. It’s an intensely painful and lonely way to live.

The compliments and support you received during the love bombing stage shift surprisingly rapidly to insults and neglect. You’ll still receive their compliments but with a sting in the tail that leaves you confused.

They begin to season their compliments with a bit of a backhand. ‘You look great…you know, for your age; considering you’ve had a rough life.’

‘Dinner was great, babe. I mean, it’s a lazy way to cook but I guess it’s quick.’

‘You look stunning!’ they’ll tell you as you get ready for a night out. Yet at some point during the evening, they’ll mention your physical flaws.

If you’re self-conscious about your aging arms, they’ll stun you with, ‘Your arms are all crinkly!’

That was a compliment I received personally during my own relationship with a narcissist, and it was timed for that lull in the general conversation around the table during a family get-together. Everybody looked. I was mortified, and God bless my daughter for saying, ‘You just have goosebumps mum. It’s cold.’

Whether it’s the pimple you thought you’d camouflaged successfully, your crinkly neck skin or a stray grey hair, they’ll hone in on it at a strategic point. They build you up, just to bring you down.

Look for verbal behaviours like:

• ‘After everything I’ve done for you…’
• ‘How can you be smiling when I’ve had such a terrible day?’
• ‘You might think you’re tired but you have no idea how exhausted I am.’
• ‘That’s a beautiful ring you’re wearing. If only you could do something about your gnarly old hands.’
• ‘You got 98%? What happened to the other two percent?’ (Later, they’ll insist they were only joking.)
• ‘I love your hairstyle. It doesn’t suit you though.’
• ‘Nice dress. How much did I pay for it?’
• ‘I love you! But you’re f&*#%@g psycho.’ (At one point, I was ‘gifted’ this phrase repeatedly.)
• ‘No one appreciates how hard I work.’
• ‘The only reason I don’t get promoted is because everyone is jealous of me.’ (Nothing is ever their fault.)
• ‘No, you can’t have your friends over. I’m all you should need.’
• And ultimately, ‘You can’t leave me. I can’t live without you. I’ll kill myself.’ (Very unlikely)

This is far from an exhaustive list, of course, but by now I hope you have a better idea of what you’re up against. Eventually, a covert narcissist sabotages their own life and happiness. Don’t let them drag you down with them.