Please note: I have referred to abusers as male and their targets as female, simply because it has been my subjective experience and I write from my phenomenological perspective. I would like to highlight the fact that abusers and their victims do not fit neatly into gender-based categories. Men are just as easily victims and women are just as easily perpetrators. Abuse occurs in gay and lesbian relationships and in the transgender community. No matter how you identify, you are not immune to abuse, nor is any category without its share of perpetrators.

My ex-abuser asks himself why he was attracted to two nutcases; two sick and twisted women. He asked this in front of me, numerous times. The first part of my answer is simple. I am, most assuredly, not a nutcase. To think I am, is simply a facet of his delusion, and all narcissists have a large pool of delusions from which to choose.

The second part of my answer is more complicated. Yes, I am a wounded spirit. I have yet to meet a human being, over the age of forty, who doesn’t fit this definition. Life batters us, we get up and keep moving forward; we make a fist of it, and succeed in varying degrees. But we are all wounded.

It’s true I was wounded in a particular way, on which abusers seem to fixate. They detect victims of childhood, or early-adulthood, abuse with a finely-honed radar. But why? And here’s his answer. Because we’re easy targets for further abuse, making the job far easier for these predators. Even alpha-predators will stalk and kill the easiest prey available, expending less energy and time than more robust, and less vulnerable prey would take. Let’s read the main take-away again…’Abusers choose their targets because they are easy targets for further abuse.’ Continue reading →