Tag Archives: Emotional Abuse

Medical Gaslighting

07 Saturday Oct 2023

Posted by in Abuse, Abuse victims, Blog about abuse, Controlling People, Emotional abuse, Injustice, Medical Abuse, Medical Gaslighting, Neuroscience and abuse, Oppression of women, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Retraumatizing, Uncategorized

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Today I delve into a unique form of abuse perpetrated against a unique group of people…those with invisible illnesses. The culprits are our respected and trusted medical professionals, to whom we turn at our most vulnerable.

A demonstrable link exists between long term abuse and the development of chronic, auto-immune and neurological illnesses. This is not because these diseases are psychosomatic, but because relentless abuse keeps us hypervigilant, stressed and anxious for years on end. This unremitting stress eventually collapses the immune system, allowing opportunistic viruses, bacteria, fungus and parasites to cause irreparable damage to multiple bodily systems.

Because these diseases are often invisible, with complex aetiology, disease patterns and prognosis, they are frequently dismissed by medical professionals as ‘all in our heads’, despite modern MRI, SPECT and other medical imaging that reveals clear biological damage. Brain lesions, cardiac disease, adrenal insufficiency and muscle abnormalities are but the tip of the iceberg. Despite this evidence, and because these invisible illnesses largely befall women, medical professionals conveniently put us in the too hard basket. We’re labelled hysterical women and offered no guidance or treatment, only disdain. In many cases, doctors are downright negligent and responsible for the rapid decline of far too many patients. Whatever happened to ‘first do no harm’?

For many seriously ill people, this medical mindset rubs off on family, friends, employers and government agencies, who label us lazy, neurotic, self-centred malingerers. Yet couch potatoes rarely contract invisible illnesses. Chronically sick people, once hardworking and committed, are left with no ability to perform basic daily functions, too sick to work and left to cope completely unsupported; living in poverty, sometimes homeless, going without food and basic necessities. They are largely friendless and forgotten, neglected and maligned by every facet of society.

This, my friends, is medical gaslighting. It is systemic abuse at its finest.

A snapshot of my own personal experience of medical gaslighting:

In 1994, while single parenting two young daughters, I began to experience excessively heavy and lengthy menstrual periods. I bled pretty much non-stop, with the occasional few days off per month. Even donning heavy flow, double-protection right before driving the kids to school, blood would be dripping into my boots by the time I arrived home. Doctor after doctor fobbed me off, occasionally prescribing me a different contraceptive pill. None made a difference. No doctor took my blood count, or thought to palpate my uterus.

Eventually, I stuck with a doctor who seemed like a ‘nice guy’ but even so, six months later, nothing had changed. I continued to decline under his care until a friend popped in one day, took one look at me and ordered, ‘Take your makeup off, get in the car! I’m taking you to the doctor and I’m not leaving until he’s booked you into the hospital.’ And so, I did.

The doctor spoke briefly to the hospital registrar. ‘She’s a bit anaemic. Her blood count’s probably around 10.’

In fact, it teetered around 6.4. I needed a massive and immediate blood transfusion with doctors hoping I wouldn’t fall into a coma. Fortunately, I didn’t, and weeks later I went under the surgeon’s knife to remove a huge uterine fibroid tumour. A nasty wound infection and reaction to antibiotics followed.

Before I recovered from surgery, I contracted the virus that caused my Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME). I firmly believe that, had I received timely medical treatment, my life would have followed a vastly different trajectory. You see, I never recovered, and am now a 28-year veteran of the disease.     

1995 though, was only the beginning of the medical gaslighting. After contracting ME, and desperately seeking answers, working part time and raising my girls unsupported, I was floundering. I needed time off work and went in search of an appropriate medical certificate. It was only when I left the surgery that I read it: ‘Melinda Jensen is suffering from Melinda Jensen.’

Back I went to show the doctor her her, ‘mistake’. She laughed. ‘I think it’s pretty accurate.’

Being disbelieved, shamed, and invalidated is soul crushing.

Another day, another doctor. This guy’s words both stunned and stung me. ‘You just need to make up your mind that this is it. This is as good as it gets. It’s a woman’s lot in life to suffer.’

Sick of hearing it yet? I was definitely sick of living it. But 2009 brought another opportunity to be treated like the village idiot. A vehicle accident landed me in hospital where I was examined by the duty doctor. I described my pain intensity…high!..and indicated where I believed my bones were broken. After a gruff examination, Dr Couldn’t-care-less refused an Xray, since I ‘clearly’ had no broken bones and was just suffering from a bit of bruising. (Oh, silly bloody me!) I begged to differ. He argued the toss. Thank God my oldest daughter arrived. Fixing him with her ‘don’t mess with me’ stare, she insisted.

He caved…angrily. ‘They won’t find anything!

He was wrong. The radiologist identified 6 broken ribs, a broken collar bone, punctured lung and torn rotator cuff. The doctor stormed off!

A couple of years and many doctors later I chanced upon a GP who seemed genuinely kind. I presented him with the current research and asked specifically for a SPECT scan and MRI of the brain. He hummed and hawed, gave me a goofy grin, and said the scans would find nothing. But he was willing to order them! A small win.

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The results revealed significantly reduced blood flow on the brain SPECT (indicating brain pathology) and significant white matter lesions on the MRI (ie brain damage not unlike that seen in Multiple Sclerosis). My ‘kind’ doctor was surprised (I seem to surprise doctors quite a bit.) Then he hit me with, ‘Are you working yet?’

He concluded every appointment after that the same way, ‘Are you working yet?’

I’ve been too ill to work for decades now and am currently bed-bound for the best part of the day.

I’d like to say that was the end of the medical gaslighting…but not much has changed since 1995.

In the grand scheme of things, my story isn’t important, but it is illustrative. I’m one of millions of people who have invisible illnesses, including . We receive criminally negligent treatment from medical professionals the world over…an appalling abuse of trust perpetrated against some of the most vulnerable members of society by some of the most powerful.

For shame!

(For more information on Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME/CFS) please see https://www.nightingale.ca/)

She said what? The Verbal Giveaways of a Covert Narcissist

28 Monday Aug 2023

Posted by in Abuse, Covert Narcissism, Emotional abuse, Indicators of narcissistic abuse, Narcissism, Narcissistic abuse, Passive-aggressive abuse, Psychological abuse, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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Just like Overt Narcissists, the covert narc will love bomb you in the early stages of the relationship, but the manner in which they woo you is different.

They’ll listen intently to every word you say, making you feel completely heard and understood, perhaps for the first time ever. They’ll also mirror you – pretending to be interested in what you’re interested in; your likes and dislikes; your goals and aspirations.

It’s seductive stuff. You might…and probably will…believe you’ve met your true soulmate. Your values are the same, your goals, your plans for the future, your tastes in music, art, politics and home decor. You name it. What magic!

Until the rot sets in…right after they have you hooked. At this point, a covert narcissist’s mask will slip…a mask that hides who they truly are. And who are they really? The polar opposite of what you see when their mask is firmly on.

If they’ve been kind till now, they’ll reveal themselves as downright emotionally and verbally cruel. If they’ve been gentle with your feelings in the past, they’ll now be brutal. Their flip to the dark side comes as a shock.

Once you reach that stage in the relationship, their verbal behaviour will change, even if yours remains consistent. At first it will be subtle. After presenting themselves as well-calibrated, mentally balanced, spiritual, kind, non-materialistic, non-judgemental and humble, they’ll let you know about the past traumas or experiences that have deeply affected them in a negative manner. All these experiences will be the fault of someone else. You’re meant to feel very sorry for them, such wonderful people as they believe themselves to be.

There’s nothing wrong with some well-placed empathy on your part. Empathy is a highly desirable trait in ourselves and our partners. It’s the degree of empathy a covert narcissist needs, repeatedly, that drains you dry. At the same time, they begin to diminish your own troubles and experiences, tossing them off as trivial compared to their own. Why? Because they’re highly invested in being the biggest martyr, the longest suffering and most tortured creature, no less than Jesus Christ himself on the cross. Some covert narcissists do, in fact, have a religious fixation, identifying completely with the martyrdom of the saints, and not necessarily within a Christian worldview. All major religions have their martyrs and so do atheists.

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If you’ve had a rough day and want to talk about it with them, you’ll get five seconds of, ‘Oh, yeah, that’s awful.’ (Perhaps accompanied by an eye roll or a bored look, or even a contemptuous laugh.) Then, wait for it! ‘But what about my day, darling? Do you know what I’ve had to go through today?’ Your own feelings will now be neatly sidelined while they regale you with hours and hours of their woes.

If you’re sick, they’re always sicker. If you’re tired, they’re so completely exhausted they can’t lift a finger. If you’re sad, they’re in a major depression. You’ll have to put on your big girl panties and suck it up because they need your full quota of sympathy.

And you’d better give it to them, or the rage will set in, often displayed by pointed passive aggressive behaviours and words. (More about passive aggressive behaviours in a future post.)

You’ll notice a distinct pattern over time, and you’ll pay the price of feeling unimportant, unseen, unheard and unloved while, at the same time, having to find resources deep within you to continue supporting and sympathizing with the other.

As with all abuse, the abuse of a covert narcissist is cyclic, orbiting through all the stages of abuse, from love-bombing, to disenchantment, to devaluation and abuse, and back again.

No relationship, not even a friendship, can sustain continuous emotional neglect. And if you’re wondering whether neglecting someone emotionally is abusive, I can say for sure that it is. It’s an intensely painful and lonely way to live.

The compliments and support you received during the love bombing stage shift surprisingly rapidly to insults and neglect. You’ll still receive their compliments but with a sting in the tail that leaves you confused.

They begin to season their compliments with a bit of a backhand. ‘You look great…you know, for your age; considering you’ve had a rough life.’

‘Dinner was great, babe. I mean, it’s a lazy way to cook but I guess it’s quick.’

‘You look stunning!’ they’ll tell you as you get ready for a night out. Yet at some point during the evening, they’ll mention your physical flaws.

If you’re self-conscious about your aging arms, they’ll stun you with, ‘Your arms are all crinkly!’

That was a compliment I received personally during my own relationship with a narcissist, and it was timed for that lull in the general conversation around the table during a family get-together. Everybody looked. I was mortified, and God bless my daughter for saying, ‘You just have goosebumps mum. It’s cold.’

Whether it’s the pimple you thought you’d camouflaged successfully, your crinkly neck skin or a stray grey hair, they’ll hone in on it at a strategic point. They build you up, just to bring you down.

Look for verbal behaviours like:

  • ‘After everything I’ve done for you…’
  • ‘How can you be smiling when I’ve had such a terrible day?’
  • ‘You might think you’re tired but you have no idea how exhausted I am.’
  • ‘That’s a beautiful ring you’re wearing. If only you could do something about your gnarly old hands.’
  • ‘You got 98%? What happened to the other two percent?’ (Later, they’ll insist they were only joking.)
  • ‘I love your hairstyle. It doesn’t suit you though.’
  • ‘Nice dress. How much did I pay for it?’
  • ‘I love you! But you’re f&*#%@g psycho.’ (At one point, I was ‘gifted’ this phrase repeatedly.)
  • ‘No one appreciates how hard I work.’
  • ‘The only reason I don’t get promoted is because everyone is jealous of me.’ (Nothing is ever their fault.)
  • ‘No, you can’t have your friends over. I’m all you should need.’
  • And ultimately, ‘You can’t leave me. I can’t live without you. I’ll kill myself.’ (Very unlikely)

This is far from an exhaustive list, of course, but by now I hope you have a better idea of what you’re up against. Eventually, a covert narcissist sabotages their own life and happiness. Don’t let them drag you down with them.

Spotting the Covert Narcissist

28 Friday Jul 2023

Posted by in Abuse, Blog about abuse, Controlling People, Emotional abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Indicators of narcissistic abuse, Narcissism, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Verbal abuse

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See the quiet person standing in the corner, impeccably dressed and not really engaging with the people around them?

You might assume they’re the strong, silent type, or perhaps that they’re a thoughtful introvert. Or maybe they’re just plain shy.

Or perhaps, just perhaps, you’ve just spotted a covert narcissist. They’re slippery customers and you shouldn’t trust your first impressions. You can, however, learn to be aware of the markers – the red flags – of covert narcissism – if you want to avoid their clutches. And believe me, you do want to avoid their clutches.

While this blog isn’t about narcissists per se, narcissism features prominently on its pages and posts because there’s an undeniable link between people with a high level of narcissistic traits and the tendency to be extremely abusive. They are master manipulators with a layer of superficial charm, and often the intelligence to ‘play’ you until they have what they want. While not all narcissists are abusers, we can safely say that all abusers have a high level of narcissistic traits. While few will have a clinical diagnosis of full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder, they will display some of the same nefarious personality traits.

Overt narcissists are easy to identify. They’re garrulous, have flamboyant gestures and are often magnanimous with their praise, mostly of themselves but also of their chosen targets, at least in the early stages of the relationship. Most are flagrantly boastful and seemingly without shame. People are often attracted by their confidence and ability to take charge.

Covert narcissism, however, is in many ways far more insidious in the way it draws us into the orbit of someone who seems to be quite introverted, perhaps a little needy and unsure of themselves, charmingly self-deprecating and with a seemingly unassuming disposition. They’re magnets for those of us who have high levels of empathy.

And they know it!

Relationships with narcissists are not always romantic. They exploit all their relationships…familial, friendship-based, intimate or business.

Generally, true introverts are a delight to be around. They’re great listeners and not averse to joining in interesting conversations in their own quiet way. They won’t talk over the top of you or attempt to steal your thunder, and they tend to be there for you when you need a listening ear and a helping hand. They get you.

Covert narcissists however, while having the appearance of being introverted, differ from introverts in that they’re very poor listeners, largely because they’re not the slightest bit interested in anyone else or in their lives and problems. They believe themselves to be far superior to the average Joe or Joanna, a belief that underpins their aura of magnetic aloofness. They can be truly condescending, but rather than use obvious verbal putdowns, they’ll likely betray themselves with a ‘bored’ look, a rude yawn or a well-timed eye-roll. Watching out for the subtle non-verbal gestures that indicate indifference and arrogance, is crucial in differentiating between a genuine introvert and a covert narcissist. It won’t be until later in the relationship that you’ll notice specific verbal cues giving them away and making you extremely uncomfortable. Personally, I feel extremely stressed when in the company of these people, and have learned to heed the warning…a gut feeling…to stay away from them.

Like all narcissists, the covert variety are on their very best behaviour in the early stages of the relationship, and are eminently capable of love-bombing you with their sweet neediness. They might make you feel like you’re the most desirable, loveable, and intriguingly clever person in their world, simply because they can’t bear to be away from you, needing you to be close by at all times, desperate to know what you think; and needing constant reassurances. Trust me, this becomes exhausting. But by the time emotional fatigue sets in, you’re likely to be well-embroiled in their game, feeling your sanity slowly slipping away, along with your patience.

To be around a covert narcissist is confusing to say the least, expert as they are at giving mismatched and mixed signals, keeping you constantly off-balance and unsure of yourself.

And in my experience, while all narcissists will suck you dry, a covert narcissist is a consummate maestro when it comes to emotional vampirism. They’ll ring every last drop of energy and emotion from you and still be left wanting more.

My next post will address the verbal behaviours of covert narcissists that inevitably appear in the next stage of the relationship…after the initial love-bombing. These behaviours have the same impact as the blatant verbal put-downs and scathing dressing downs received at the hands of an overt narcissist, while masquerading as humour, compliments (usually backhanded), care and concern. If anything, this subtler form of gaslighting is more crazy-making than its blatant counterpart.

What to take from this post:

Covert narcissists:

1.  Are quiet and aloof

2.  Are supercilious/condescending

3.  Believe they’re superior to their fellow human beings

4.  Are extremely needy

5.  Are insecure and jealous

6.  Engage in non-verbal behaviours that indicate their internal state of emptiness.

Image courtesy of FreeDitigalPhotos.net/graur razvan ionut

What to watch out for:

Inappropriate yawning

Rude eye rolling

Sighing and looking away when others speak

Disinterest in engaging with other people’s conversations

Poor listening skills

Any facial expression that looks disdainful

More about Narcissistic Supply

04 Wednesday Jan 2023

Posted by in Abuse, Abuse victims, Blog about abuse, Controlling People, Emotional abuse, Indicators of narcissistic abuse, Narcissism, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Relationships, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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A friend of mine is currently going through a messy, painful divorce and property settlement with his indubitably narcissistic wife, soon to be blessed ‘ex’. He doesn’t feel ‘blessed’ yet, but God willing, he will in time.

Last week, as I rallied in support of him with mutual friends, the question of whether or not his wife might already be scouting out his replacement (or potential replacements, plural), I noted that it’s inevitable she’s lining up her possibilities (potential victims), courting and grooming them, ready to take over before the current relationship has reached a definitive end. A dyed-in-the wool narcissist, you see, can’t live for even the briefest second without a satisfactory narcissistic supply. Narcissistic ‘supply’ is to a narc what insulin is to a diabetic – essential to life itself. In an emotional and psychological sense, narcissists are insatiable. There’s an empty space inside them that’s impossible to fill, and they’ll suck you dry before discarding you for the next ‘meal’.

Narcissists seem confident; full of their own self worth and appearing to possess, in spades, all the attributes that mark them as capable, independent and emotionally stable. Their steps seem surefooted. They never seem to doubt their own judgement. They inspire people and gather them like moths to the light.

And yet, in truth, their egos are infinitely fragile, built on melting ice and unstable scree slopes. Narcissists have no real depth, no true spirituality or convictions, no strength of character built on their experiences and achievements, no true sense of who they are or what they stand for. Instead, they fill these emotional and psychological voids with other people who are willing to prop them up, and with grandiose schemes that rarely have a basis in reality. They appear independent and yet are desperately, desperately dependent on others. Their inner life is a void that must be filled. And the best and most satisfying way to fill that void is to ensure a steady narcissistic supply.

If you happen to be chosen as that narcissistic supply, then what you really are is their victim. As one victim fades from view, another or others, must be recruited quickly. In the meantime, narcissists keep their original victim dangling, toing and froing, while they throw out the occasional ‘carrot’, torturing and tormenting, right up until they’ve snagged their next victim. During this time period, you’re in serious danger of being manipulated out of your house, your money, your job, your assets and your bank account. You’ll also likely lose friends and the confidence of family. Narcs know you’re still bound to them via a deep trauma bond, and that you’ll possibly do anything (still!) to keep them happy and perhaps, just perhaps, ‘win’ them back.

But you won’t win them back. They’ve already moved on in their minds and in their shrivelled hearts.

All they care about at this point is making the greatest use of you they can while they reel in their latest narcissistic supply. When that supply is well and truly hooked, they’ll cut you loose without a backward glance.

In the meantime? Watch your reputation being shredded, dragged through the gutter and spread about town like a dust storm from the west. You’ll hear things about yourself you couldn’t possibly have dreamed, and sadly, given the narcissist’s talent for pulling the wool over people’s eyes, many will believe the lives. Your reputation may well end up in tatters.

It sounds dire. It sounds frightening. But forewarned is forearmed.

When you’re eventually replaced, it will hurt. You’re going to ask yourself what it is about this new person that makes your former partner love them and not you. What is it you lack? Where are your deficits? What, man!…the hell is wrong with you! If you’re anything like me, you’ll spend endless hours inside your head, going over and over every conversation, every incident, every accusation and complaint made against you. You’ll be looking for answers as to why you were so brutally discarded.

You’ll believe that the reason has everything to do with you and your shortcomings and nothing to do with the image of perfection the narcissist has carefully constructed about themselves in your mind. But you’ll be wrong. The end of your relationship has everything to do with the emptiness, the callousness, the selfishness and the utter delusion of your narcissistic partner.

You can never fill them up the way they need to be filled. No-one can. Whoever they choose as their next narcissistic supply will find that out eventually too, when the honeymoon phase fades into the sunset, as it invariably will.

Deflection: Such an Effective way to Invalidate you

10 Monday Oct 2022

Posted by in Abuse, Blog about abuse, Controlling People, Emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from emotional abuse, Indicators of narcissistic abuse, Narcissism, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Relationship advice, Relationships, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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Image of a brother and sister arguing, with one of them not listening and using a hand gesture to tell the other person to stop.
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The unwillingness to accept responsibility stems from a huge and fragile ego. It also stems from cowardice. Bullies and abusers are always cowards. They don’t have the intestinal fortitude to face the fact they’re culpable of any, and many, transgressions, and they’ll tear you apart at the slightest criticism, no matter how warranted.

It’s this unwillingness to take personal responsibility that leads abusers to use any, and sometimes, every form of psychological defense mechanism, with devastating effect on their prey.

One of the most maddening, confusing and stress-inducing of these defense mechanisms is ‘deflection’. By deflecting blame, especially in the heat of the moment, abusers throw their victims off course and turn the whole situation back on them.

You end up having to defend yourself against a barrage of cruel allegations that bear little resemblance to reality.

He’ll say, ‘What have you ever done for me?’ (Plenty, is my guess.)

He’ll snarl, ‘You lied about my kids.’ (You know you didn’t.)

He’ll stab his finger at you and yell, ‘It’s your fault my family wants nothing to do with us.’ (In truth, you’ve turned yourself inside out to bring about reconciliation and relationship, and copped a truckload of abuse from his family for your trouble.)

The fact that he doesn’t recognize the truth about you; the way you’ve been doing everything possible to foster a harmonious marriage and family, only to be brutally hit with accusations to the contrary, is really, really hurtful.

And you’ll feel desperate to defend yourself – to get him to see the truth. But he never will, because it doesn’t suit his narrative. Or perhaps, even more insidiously, he does know the truth but has only one goal in mind; to decimate you emotionally. To shut you down, silence you and avoid facing his own shortcomings. He knows he’s hurting you and he just keeps going, bludgeoning you verbally with more and more outlandish accusations, putting you in the position of having to prove him wrong.

One way to recognize if someone is employing this strategy against you is to ask yourself if you entered the discussion with one intention and then found that the discussion that needed to be had didn’t happen at all. The conversation was hijacked and taken in an entirely different direction. Did you want to talk about the way he belittled you in front of friends, for instance, but ended up talking about every little grievance he has against you? And most likely it will be the same list that comes up over and over again, whenever you try to breach a difficult subject. That too, is a clue. Over time, you should almost be able to predict what he’s going to blast you with.

You end up apologizing, don’t you? And begging for forgiveness? And just wanting the relentless verbal assault on your character to stop?

Heaven forbid that a conversation should ever revolve around your needs and not his!

I vividly recall finding myself in this dilemma time and again, and yet it took me years to pull apart what was really happening; to learn to recognize this deflection of blame while it was actually happening. Keeping a level head at these times is extremely challenging and yet, it’s essential if you’re ever going to extract yourself from the cycle of abuse. If you don’t clearly recognize what’s really happening, you can’t look it in the face for what it is…and reject it.

You can’t say ‘no’ with clarity, and walk away.

You have the right to speak your truth. A rational, mature person will be able to take that in their stride, even if speaking your truth brings up their faults and failings. They might feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, confused, sad, or even angry at first. But they will address the issue. They’ll be big enough to talk it through with you; to hear you. They will not silence you by attacking you and your vulnerabilities. And they will most certainly not turn the conversation back on you, making you the culprit.

It’s essential for you to recognize when this is happening – right in the midst of it. You need to call your accuser out. Tell them that what they’re saying has nothing to do with the issue at hand, and that you’re aware they’re sidestepping the problem by mentioning subjects that are totally irrelevant. They need to know that you know they’re not answering your questions, and that you’re aware they’re perpetuating a pattern that’s designed to ‘get them off the hook’. You need to insist on a rational, clear-headed response from them that is a direct response to your questions and grievances. If they’re not rational enough to do that, and abusers never are, then you need to turn your back and refuse to continue the conversation.

It’s breathtakingly difficult. Every raw nerve, every traumatic trigger will have been thrown in your face. You’ll want to defend yourself against all the irrelevant accusations, but you don’t need to. In fact, you shouldn’t even try. It’s just a game to them…an ugly, cruel game that’s fully intended to ensure you look like the bad guy, and they look like the long-suffering martyr.

All they want is to throw you off kilter so they don’t have to face their own short-comings. Don’t let them get away with it. Keep bringing them back to the point. If that doesn’t help, turn your back and exit the conversation.

If the pattern continues without abating, I suggest you think long and hard about exiting the relationship entirely. It may well be time to take back your sanity.

Using vulnerability against you; aka throwing your past in your face

23 Saturday Apr 2016

Posted by in Abuse, Childhood wounds, Controlling People, counseling, Emotional abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Relationship abuse, Retraumatizing, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse, Vulnerability

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Sad face, masque

Image courtesy of FreeDigitaalPhotos.net/Stuart Miles

So you’ve put your past behind you? You’ve been to therapy and turned yourself inside out in order to deal with your demons and find the silver lining on your clouded past. Life’s been tough but you’re an overcomer. Good for you! Most people don’t have the courage. Well done. You’re going from strength to strength, right?

Hang on a minute! There’s someone in your life who thinks differently; someone you love, or someone who is an unavoidable part of your life who’s not letting you move on; who doesn’t recognize your growth. Each and every time you’re discussing an issue; trying to make your point heard; simply baring your soul, or building a bridge – what happens?

‘Oh … but you’ve had three failed relationships.’ ‘Oh … but you never finished your education.’ Or how about my personal favourite – ‘You’re sick in the head because of your past childhood sexual abuse. Everything you do and say is coloured by it. That’s why your so angry all the time.’

The implication? You failure, you! You hopeless case. You value-less human being. Why should anyone EVER listen to what you say? Or believe you? Who cares about the circumstances you’ve struggled through and healed from? You will forever be a disappointment in their eyes – the subject of derision and devaluation. Why? Because it makes them feel better to believe that. Because if they look fairly and squarely at what you’ve been through … what you’ve conquered … they’ll have to admit they couldn’t do what  you did. They’re not strong enough.

And so they throw it in your face – time and time again.

You’ll find yourself endlessly wanting to have rational discussions about the issues and difficulties of life; of your relationship … but you’ll find yourself dragged back down to one point … one and only point. Your shortcomings … your vulnerabilities … your past. You’ve dealt with it … but they haven’t. So they use it against you – to WIN. To silence you. To win the power struggle that is their sole goal. Abusers view every interaction as a win/lose situation and they’re determined that they’ll win and you’ll lose. Psychologically healthy individuals realize that, where relationships are concerned, when one person loses, the whole relationship loses. The ‘winner’ gains power but never intimacy.

If you find yourself bringing up the same grievances time and time again, look for the bait you’re being thrown to distract you from the issue at hand. Distraction is one of the most manipulative tools a controlling person can use against you. It confuses you; throws you off the trail and makes you instantly the bad guy, no matter what the other party has done to harm you. It just one more ugly game in their repertoire. Don’t fall for it. And remember, mud sticks best to the cleanest wall.

 

 

 

 

Unleash the Flying Monkeys!

07 Monday Mar 2016

Posted by in Abuse, Abuse victims, Childhood wounds, Controlling People, counseling, Emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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So what on earth is a flying monkey?

image of flying monkey

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saphatthachat

The term ‘flying monkeys’ is derived from that all-time movie classic, ‘The Wizard of Oz’, in which the wicked witch of the west sends out her nasty little troupe of flying monkeys to inflict torment on Dorothy and her trusty trio.

In popular psychology it is used to describe the people an abuser enlists to back her up, join in with blaming the victim, name-calling, put-downs, the silent treatment and other crazy-making behaviour. Once groomed and recruited, flying monkeys invariably perceive the narcissistic abuser as the innocent party and are outraged at what they believe the real victim has done. They have it ass backwards.

Why it works so well

Narcissists carefully construct a false public image while projecting their real self, with all its ugly traits, onto their chosen target. Because an abuser never attacks in public, people find it extremely difficult to believe she’s anything but the lovely, caring person she pretends to be when she has an audience. Frankly, it’s disturbing to witness how fast she can switch from raging virago to Mrs Happy-Go-Lucky in less than a heartbeat. If you’re unlucky enough to be in a relationship with someone like this, you’ve already seen how fast she can go from sweet to psycho in private. Trust me when I say she is equally able to switch back the other way should a witness come close to walking in on one of her rages.

The narcissist chooses her flying monkeys carefully. She’ll only enlist those she knows will take her side and carry out her bidding, whether she has expressly told them what she wants them to do or whether the process is achieved in more subtle ways. Sadly, the most vulnerable potential monkeys are the abusers own children or other family members and, of course, her best friends. It’s likely they’ll even mimic her behaviour as a matter of course, since she has already portrayed you (consistently) to the be the crazy one, the one at fault, the one who deserves to wear all the guilt and shame. Because they’ve rarely, if ever, been privy to her craziness, they simply accept her version of the truth and go after you with all the self-righteous indignance they can muster, adding a lot of heated fuel to her attack  on you.

As the more responsible parent (or sibling, or child), you have most likely consciously avoided embroiling your children (or siblings or other family members) in your spousal troubles, trying to protect them from the ugly reality that you face on a daily basis. You have been set up like a row of bowling pins. If the first bowler doesn’t knock you out, subsequent bowlers – the flying monkeys – will. The group attack was carefully planned by your abuser.

It’s imperative to trust your own reality – to know who you are, how you operate, and what your values are. An onslaught from your abuser and her hoard of flying monkeys is akin to all-out psychological warfare, and will leave you with all the post-traumatic stress that accompanies battle.

 

 

 

Don’t you dare! (criticize your abuser)

12 Monday Oct 2015

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“To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize.” Voltaire

Image of man covering his ears

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

As soon as I came across the above quote by Voltaire, notable French enlightenment writer and philosopher, I knew it would form the basis of my next post. With his own experiences of imprisonment for his outspoken stance against the Church, he ought to know a little about who rules whom, and the consequences of overstepping the mark.

As do you and I, fellow abuse survivors. Remember what happened the last time you leveled a rational and well-deserved criticism at your tormentor?

I’ll bet the whole of Hades came crashing in upon your head, raining verbal pitchforks at your heart and your sanity. No matter how constructively or how mildly you phrased your complaint; no matter how reasonable your request for change; no matter how you sugared the pill to prepare him, your punishment was assured; served swiftly and with devastating cruelty. Am I right?

Abusers perceive as an attack, virtually everything you say that doesn’t line up with their world view, or their view of themselves. As we have already discussed in previous posts, an abuser’s view of him or herself is way off beam. Abusers can’t face what they see in the metaphorical mirror, and they certainly can’t tolerate you pointing out the truth, even when it should be clear that your aim is conflict resolution and family harmony. I made the ‘mistake’ of taking my marriage vows too seriously. Included in our ceremony were a number of special vows in which we promised to support each other in becoming everything the Creator meant us to be. To me, it seemed obvious that to uphold that vow, we needed to confront each other, albeit gently, about actions and words that were not moving us in a positive direction.

But it’s the ‘truth’ that unhinges them and sends them into defensive mode. You get to sit back and listen to them trot out all the Freudian defense mechanisms in an attempt to make you into the bad guy, and reassert themselves as the righteous and perfect one. Or, in the words of my particular abuser, ‘the well-calibrated one.’ (While I, of course, was the ‘nutjob.’)

In fact, you don’t even need to criticize. All you need to do is hold a differing opinion or express an emotion they don’t understand or agree with. Such is their disordered thinking and sense of entitlement.

This process is explained in detail in Patricia Evans series of books:
‘The Verbally Abusive Man’, ‘The Verbally Abusive Relationship’, and ‘Controlling People’.

(Please bear with me while I work on fixing the links to these books. In the meantime they can be found at the bottom of this page … An Abuser Hides His True Self.

I devoured her writing, turning page after page, while uncovering an increasingly vivid picture of my abuser. I can’t recommend her work enough.

An abuser doesn’t see you for the unique individual you are. You are simply an extension of him or herself, and are therefore expected to conform to the needs and expectations of that fragile, unrealistic self. If you don’t, you are instantly perceived as a threat … a very real threat to the meticulously constructed false self your abuser so desperately clings to. Every time you open your mouth and express your individuality, your abuser loses his cool. In his eyes, he is protecting himself from an attack … an attack that is not actually happening.

Most of us, when confronted by our loved ones with complaints about our behaviour, look within ourselves, consider the feelings of the complainant, and seek to address the issues. Naturally, the complaints will sting, but beyond an initial discomfort, we are still capable of acting and reacting in ‘adult mode’. On the other hand, an abuser is ever a child; prone to tantrums, lies, denials, projection and blame … in fact, anything that works to keep them at the top of the power struggle. Their sole purpose is to win. Too bad if you are crushed or your children suffer from the collateral damage. They don’t care.

So think carefully. Are you afraid to speak your mind? Have you read all the articles advising you to use ‘I messages’ and to time your criticisms wisely, yet when you do, you still find yourself on the receiving end of an abusive tirade? Do you spend hours rehearsing in your mind, the best way to approach even the slightest grievance? Do you find yourself feeling physically sick and full of anxiety at the very thought of bringing up an issue?

If you can answer yes to any of the above, my heart goes out to you. It will take nothing short of a miracle to effect change. I wish it were otherwise.

In truth, you are in an emotional straight-jacket. The person who is responsible for putting you there is the person you cannot, under any circumstances, criticize.

Help for abuse victims

12 Sunday Apr 2015

Posted by in Abuse, Emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Recovery from abuse, Relationship breakdown, Relationships, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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Depressed and stressed woman

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Abuse victims share a myriad experiences. One of the most insidious is isolation – from friends, family, interest groups, churches and sometimes, even from social media. Nothing is surer than that your abusive partner has alienated you emotionally from himself, the only person left to lean on. Abuse victims who have nowhere to turn for help are at high risk for substance abuse (to dull the pain), severe depression and other mental illnesses – even the ultimate escape – suicide.

Abuse, whether physical, psychological, emotional or verbal, invariably shatters your self-belief. You no longer trust your own thoughts, feelings and perceptions. This completes the feeling of desolation. You believe no one cares, and if they did, what could they do? If you’re reading this and silently asking, ‘Is there help for abuse victims? Is there help for me?‘ – I want to assure you, you are not alone. There are people who care deeply.

 

ABUSE RECOVERY PROGRAMS:

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program by Melanie Tonia Evans

The internet is awash with information, support and resources from fellow sufferers, as well as from experts in the field. I’ve mentioned Melanie Tonia Evans’ abuse recovery program in previous posts and it remains, in my mind, one of the most powerful resources for healing from narcissistic abuse. The author has personally experienced abuse at the hands of ex partners and is now, as a therapist herself, a recognized expert in the field. She examines the dynamics of abuse from a holistic perspective, looking at every aspect of your being; physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. The added spiritual dimension sets her work apart  and is the reason I latched onto her website like a life-raft. Her program takes considerable emotional work, and may cause you some pain, but it’s the path to freedom. You can find her Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program here.

Melanie maintains that abusers share narcissistic traits, although not all have full-blown narcissistic personality disorder, an opinion shared by other notable experts like Patricia Evans (not related to Melanie ), and by many who blog bout their personal experience of abuse.

 

READING MATERIAL:

I’m not an Amazon affiliate so gain no remuneration from promoting Patricia’s work; Product Detailsbut in all conscience, I need to commend her books to you. Some are available for kindle for very little cost. She explains the dynamics at play in the minds and backgrounds of verbal abusers so profoundly that I believe her teachings offer you the greatest hope for understanding what has happened and why. You will finally stop blaming yourself. I recommend starting with ‘The Verbally Abusive Relationship‘, ‘The Verbally Abusive Man,’ and ‘Controlling People’. If you purchase these books and find them helpful, I’d appreciate your feedback. Contact me here.

 

HELP WITHIN THE BLOG COMMUNITY:

I have formed strong ties with fellow bloggers who write about abuse  and I urge you to visit their writings. Absorb what is there. Feel – perhaps for the first time – that you’re not alone. You have sisters and brothers all over the world, united by a common bond.

I owe a debt of gratitude to the writers of the following blogs, all precious souls:

 

PROFESSIONAL THERAPY:

Never be too shy to approach a qualified counselor. These trained therapists are there to validate your experience, listen to your story, help you develop strengths that rebuild your sense of self, and assist in your recovery. There is also guidance should you decide to leave your abuser and rebuild the optimistic future you so richly deserve. A future filled with love and light.

For a word of caution on traditional couples’ counseling however, please visit my post, ‘Why Couples’ Counseling Doesn’t Work.’

Not long ago, I contemplated my future and longed for death. Today, I long for morning to come so that I might seize the day… again…and again. I’ve been where you are, and I am an ordinary human being. Nothing special. That means you too, have hope for an exuberant future. You are NOT alone.

 

If you have any questions or feedback, or are confused about what to do next, please contact me here:

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He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

16 Monday Feb 2015

Posted by in Abuse, Boundaries, Controlling People, Divorce, Emotional abuse, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Psychopathology, Relationship breakdown, Relationships, Spirituality, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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multicoloured flower

A hundred shades of rage. Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net/Phisekit

Every abuse victim is intimately familiar with this phenomenon. One minute you’re on cloud nine, certain your relationship is on the mend, and swept off your feet (again) with words of adulation, undying love and devotion. He’ll buy you whatever you want, wine you, dine you, and soften you with gentle, sweet words of love and appreciation…but just when you think it’s safe to come out from under that protective shell of yours, the wining and dining turns to maligning. You are being abused yet again. The abuse cycle continues, ad infinitum.

And the switch will be shockingly sudden, brutal and devastating. This morning you were his ‘forever love’. This afternoon, you’re ‘a f…ing psycho’. And somewhere in the midst of this tirade your mind starts to bend. It’s bending to his will. It’s exactly where he wants this conversation to go.

But why? That’s the question on everyone’s lips. My first (and probably final) reaction is to say, ‘Who cares!’ No excuse is good enough, no delving into his past and uncovering his childhood issues will ever convince me he’s not doing this deliberately. It is utterly C-O-N-S-C-I-O-U-S. He is completely aware of what he is doing to you. That’s why he keeps doing it. It gives him a thrill to hurt you. Research shows that when the average person is angry…when they are arguing and yelling…their blood pressure and heart rate go up. That’s because it’s stressful for us average Joes and Joannas. Not so for your consummate abuser. For him or her, shouting at and intimidating another human being results in a blood-pressure and heart-rate drop. That’s right. It feels good. It calms them down. They’re in control again.

And control is what it’s all about.

That’s why he can peacefully put his head on the pillow beside you…and sleep so soundly…while you cannot. You toss…and turn…and agonize.

Don’t judge him by your own yardstick. The ‘raging’ is his elixir – the potion that feeds the Mr Hyde that ever lurks within him. A friend of mine described her abuser as ‘bipolar’. I understand why she feels this way – the sudden switch from one persona to another smacks of real mental illness. But her abuser has no such illness. His cognitive functioning is fine and dandy. He may be narcissistic in the extreme, or even a full-blown psychopath, but these are not true mental disorders. They are disorders of choice. They are diseases of the soul. The labels may appear in the DSM (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual used by psychiatrists and psychologists worldwide), but those who’ve studied the history behind the DSM understand that its main author was likely a narcissist himself. There’s a whole separate post to be written on that topic. I won’t address it here.

Someone who is Bipolar or Schizophrenic wants to get well. They want treatment. Not so the flawed being with high narcissistic traits. He doesn’t perceive his flaws at all. He’s enjoying the experience; the power trip. Why would he want to change? He doesn’t want to get better because he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with him. He’s too perfect for that.

Not everyone who engages in abuse fits into this category, but the proportion seems to be disturbingly high. There are those who can be enlightened by education, and those who cannot. There are those caught in the web of their own ignorance, their difficult pasts, and their erroneous thinking. There is hope for such as these. They react from their own pain. They get angry and express their anger abusively over issues that seem real to them. There will be triggers, associated with their own painful pasts…but there will not be the random, cold-blooded ‘switch’ from love to hate.

We need to know the difference.