Category Archives: Abuse

Why does it take so long to get over a pathological partner?

20 Monday Oct 2014

Posted by in Abuse, Controlling People, Divorce, Emotional abuse, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Psychopathology, Relationship breakdown, Relationships, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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I’ve been fairly quiet online for a few weeks as I’m in the middle of very stressful legal proceedings. Attempting to sort out property settlement issues with a narcissist is a nightmare beyond your wildest imagination. Lies, manipulation, character assassination – check! Trying to fleece you of your entitlement – check! Blame and false accusations – too easy! I hope we’re now on the home strait so I can devolve myself of this cloying and still destructive relationship. The need to put it behind me is strong; in fact, so strong that I almost caved under the pressure to accept a very unfair settlement figure, just to rid my life (and soul) of the stress and uncertainty. However, that would be playing into his hands one final time – my curtain call as a doormat – and is, most assuredly, exactly what he wants.

I’ll keep you posted. From those of you who pray, I humbly ask for your prayers at this time. I keep many of you in my own prayers also as I read your blogs and contemplate the heartbreaking experiences you’ve been through, or are still going through. So many of you inspire and sustain me.

However, that’s not really what I started out to say today. As the title of this post suggests, it’s about why it takes so long to get over a pathological relationship. For me, it’s been a year since separation and I’m still caught in the web of lies, the vortex of confusion and the revisiting of self-doubt. I came across this excellent article on another site called Psychopath Free and wanted to share it with you all. The writer, who identifies as ‘Peace’ on the site forum, expresses the dynamics at play with clarity and compassion, and I found myself relating far too easily. To know that one is not alone, to experience that validation, is such an intrinsic part of our healing.

The article by ‘Peace’ follows: Continue reading →

Boundaries: A Litmus Test for Potential Abusers

29 Monday Sep 2014

Posted by in Abuse, Boundaries, Controlling People, Emotional abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Relationships, Spirituality, Verbal abuse

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Abusers have no respect for boundaries. Even if you attempt to build an impenetrable fortress around you, an abuser will think nothing of blowing it up with the equivalent of emotional and psychological dynamite. You’ll find yourself crushed and flattened under the rubble, and while you’re crawling back out you’ll be blamed for the fine mess you’ve gotten yourself into.

Once you’ve extricated yourself from a toxic relationship, this tell-tale disrespect of personal boundaries can be a useful guide when it comes to avoiding the attentions of, and entanglements with other controlling people in the future. In fact, life seems to have handed me plenty of opportunities to hone this particular skill since I separated from an abusive ex-partner just over a decade ago.

For example , my hackles automatically go up when someone offers unsolicited advice. I don’t need to be told what to do; I need a listening ear and empathy. There are times when I need help. We all do, but it isn’t helpful if someone takes over my show. Both these instances – offering unasked-for advice, and crossing the line between help and control – show that the other person has boundary issues; that they aren’t aware of where their personhood finishes and mine begins. Hence, they step into my space and act as if they are me. My emotional response is usually an internal feeling of anger at being pushed around. We need to listen to anger. In and of itself, it is not a negative emotion but a protective one. Anger tells us when our boundaries are being crossed, whether those boundaries are physical or emotional. Anger tells us we need to protect ourselves in some way.

Anger is your friend. Use it well and wisely.

Boundaries are also crossed whenever people label us as something we know to be untrue of ourselves. I recently pointed out to a relatively new male friend that I found an email joke he sent me inappropriate, outlining my reasons quite clearly. He turned nasty and told me (this person who barely knows me) that I have issues. I’d like a dollar for every controlling person who’s analysed my ‘issues’ for me without taking a jolly good look in the mirror first. It’s not that I believe I don’t have any issues. As far as I’m concerned the human condition is all about issues, and our efforts to overcome them, in our quest for personal and spiritual maturity. It’s just that I don’t believe an amateur psychologist has any right to take me apart and act as judge and jury regarding my emotional stability or lack thereof; nor do I believe I have the particular set of issues allocated to me by this almost-stranger.

I’m extremely grateful for these warning signs. By paying heed I have effectively sidestepped a couple of potential relationships that would likely have led to more control, abuse and grief. Perhaps I should have given them the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps if I had given them another chance or two or three, I might have granted them the opportunity to choose to grow and change. But I’ve reached an age and stage where I no longer wish to wait around for someone to catch up with me. I no longer wish to teach and guide and support such people. It’s time for me to reach for the good and allow the rest to slide on by. I listen to the wisdom of the still, small voice…and feel the peace.

Try setting a boundary and observe what happens. A controlling person will always react negatively.

Spiritual Rape

09 Tuesday Sep 2014

Posted by in Abuse, Childhood wounds, Emotional abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Rape, Relationships, Spirituality, Verbal abuse

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Cruel words destroy the soulLife and death are in the power of the tongue…Proverbs 18:21

I had quite an epiphany last night while watching ‘Law and Order: Special Victims Unit’. Generally, I avoid graphic television programs and movies that trigger my trauma reactions, as I clearly don’t handle them well. (Frankly, I’m not sure a society that ‘expects’ its members to handle images of violence, particularly sexual violence, is a healthy one, but that’s a topic for a whole new series of posts.)

The episode revolved around a college fraternity with a history of its privileged male students, who come from wealthy homes, raping inexperienced young female students, usually employing brutal gang rape strategies. As heinous as that crime is, what followed in its wake was almost worse – a complicated system of set-ups and cover-ups that effectively silenced the victims and neatly flipped each situation onto its back so that the young woman would be portrayed as the guilty party. In order to protect the ‘good’ name of their privileged white male population (whose families donated generously to college funds and sat on its board of directors), all members of campus staff were complicit in deflecting the finger of accusation from the perpetrators onto the victims. Hundreds of young male students embarked on a campaign of humiliation and degradation in order to destroy the reputations of the girls and protect their mates. Unsurprisingly, a number of these young women were driven out of their minds, and one particularly sensitive soul to suicide, by the blaming, shaming and disbelief of their truth. This is the facet of the story I can relate to so well. It enrages me more than the rape itself, as peculiar as that must seem. Continue reading →

Why abusers choose their targets.

03 Wednesday Sep 2014

Posted by in Abuse, Childhood wounds, Emotional abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Relationships, Verbal abuse

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Please note: I have referred to abusers as male and their targets as female, simply because it has been my subjective experience and I write from my phenomenological perspective. I would like to highlight the fact that abusers and their victims do not fit neatly into gender-based categories. Men are just as easily victims and women are just as easily perpetrators. Abuse occurs in gay and lesbian relationships and in the transgender community. No matter how you identify, you are not immune to abuse, nor is any category without its share of perpetrators.

My ex-abuser asks himself why he was attracted to two nutcases; two sick and twisted women. He asked this in front of me, numerous times. The first part of my answer is simple. I am, most assuredly, not a nutcase. To think I am, is simply a facet of his delusion, and all narcissists have a large pool of delusions from which to choose.

The second part of my answer is more complicated. Yes, I am a wounded spirit. I have yet to meet a human being, over the age of forty, who doesn’t fit this definition. Life batters us, we get up and keep moving forward; we make a fist of it, and succeed in varying degrees. But we are all wounded.

It’s true I was wounded in a particular way, on which abusers seem to fixate. They detect victims of childhood, or early-adulthood, abuse with a finely-honed radar. But why? And here’s his answer. Because we’re easy targets for further abuse, making the job far easier for these predators. Even alpha-predators will stalk and kill the easiest prey available, expending less energy and time than more robust, and less vulnerable prey would take. Let’s read the main take-away again…’Abusers choose their targets because they are easy targets for further abuse.’ Continue reading →

Why Couples’ Counseling Doesn’t Work

23 Wednesday Jul 2014

Posted by in Abuse, Emotional abuse, Psychological abuse, Relationships, Verbal abuse

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Couple arguing

Courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net/
David Castillo Dominici

This is an important post. Reading it might just save you a lot of time, angst and frankly, money; money spent on well-meaning and often highly-qualified counselors and psychologists.

If you’re lucky, you’ll have managed to convince your abusive significant other to accompany you to couples’ counseling, though his reason for agreeing will invariably be to ‘help you overcome your issues’. He remains spotless, and by agreeing to ‘help’ you, puts himself once again in the saddle as the knight on white charger, all-round-good-guy, long-suffering, well-calibrated member of the spousal unit. And by now, you probably believe him.

So, off you go to your first counseling session, with high expectations of your partner finally understanding the depth of pain and anguish he’s been causing you, and with hopes of reconciling your relationship in a spirit of co-operation, collaboration and mutual love. That, after all, is what couples’ counseling is all about. Continue reading →

Crazy-Making Behaviour: Part One

15 Thursday May 2014

Posted by in Abuse, Relationships

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Help on the sand

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net /Simon Howden

Therapist and author, Patricia Evans, claims she has spoken to thousands of victims of domestic violence and that ‘battered women have always told me that the verbal abuse was the worst.’ (From her website www.verbalabuse.com) She goes on to say that for those who have experienced “worse than battering,” it will take time to recover.’

I am now free from a relationship in which I was cruelly verbally abused while having the expression of my opinions, feelings, attitudes and values tightly controlled through various forms of manipulation, all involving fear. Consummate verbal abusers are invariably hell-bent on controlling their targets. They will also tell you that you, the target, are the abuser. Most of us engage in the occasional behaviour or speech that can be considered ugly, but it’s not abuse unless it’s a pattern that’s fairly well-entrenched. You may also be driven ‘crazy’ by the abuse itself and retaliate from your own pain. There’s a difference between that kind of reactive, defensive behaviour and true emotional and psychological abuse. While you’re deep inside those restrictive psychological walls, it will be hard to tell the difference, but rest assured your abuser will consistently maintain his innocence while pointing the finger of blame directly at you. This, in itself, is a clue to unravelling the puzzle.

It’s all about control. abusers engage in crazy-making behaviour to keep you in a state of confusion about your own reality. If you doubt yourself and your own sanity, you’ll look to him to define reality instead. That’s when he’s got you right where he wants you.

 Recommended: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program:

Melanie Tonia Evans

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