Tag Archives: Psychology

Medical Gaslighting

07 Saturday Oct 2023

Posted by in Abuse, Abuse victims, Blog about abuse, Controlling People, Emotional abuse, Injustice, Medical Abuse, Medical Gaslighting, Neuroscience and abuse, Oppression of women, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Retraumatizing, Uncategorized

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Today I delve into a unique form of abuse perpetrated against a unique group of people…those with invisible illnesses. The culprits are our respected and trusted medical professionals, to whom we turn at our most vulnerable.

A demonstrable link exists between long term abuse and the development of chronic, auto-immune and neurological illnesses. This is not because these diseases are psychosomatic, but because relentless abuse keeps us hypervigilant, stressed and anxious for years on end. This unremitting stress eventually collapses the immune system, allowing opportunistic viruses, bacteria, fungus and parasites to cause irreparable damage to multiple bodily systems.

Because these diseases are often invisible, with complex aetiology, disease patterns and prognosis, they are frequently dismissed by medical professionals as ‘all in our heads’, despite modern MRI, SPECT and other medical imaging that reveals clear biological damage. Brain lesions, cardiac disease, adrenal insufficiency and muscle abnormalities are but the tip of the iceberg. Despite this evidence, and because these invisible illnesses largely befall women, medical professionals conveniently put us in the too hard basket. We’re labelled hysterical women and offered no guidance or treatment, only disdain. In many cases, doctors are downright negligent and responsible for the rapid decline of far too many patients. Whatever happened to ‘first do no harm’?

For many seriously ill people, this medical mindset rubs off on family, friends, employers and government agencies, who label us lazy, neurotic, self-centred malingerers. Yet couch potatoes rarely contract invisible illnesses. Chronically sick people, once hardworking and committed, are left with no ability to perform basic daily functions, too sick to work and left to cope completely unsupported; living in poverty, sometimes homeless, going without food and basic necessities. They are largely friendless and forgotten, neglected and maligned by every facet of society.

This, my friends, is medical gaslighting. It is systemic abuse at its finest.

A snapshot of my own personal experience of medical gaslighting:

In 1994, while single parenting two young daughters, I began to experience excessively heavy and lengthy menstrual periods. I bled pretty much non-stop, with the occasional few days off per month. Even donning heavy flow, double-protection right before driving the kids to school, blood would be dripping into my boots by the time I arrived home. Doctor after doctor fobbed me off, occasionally prescribing me a different contraceptive pill. None made a difference. No doctor took my blood count, or thought to palpate my uterus.

Eventually, I stuck with a doctor who seemed like a ‘nice guy’ but even so, six months later, nothing had changed. I continued to decline under his care until a friend popped in one day, took one look at me and ordered, ‘Take your makeup off, get in the car! I’m taking you to the doctor and I’m not leaving until he’s booked you into the hospital.’ And so, I did.

The doctor spoke briefly to the hospital registrar. ‘She’s a bit anaemic. Her blood count’s probably around 10.’

In fact, it teetered around 6.4. I needed a massive and immediate blood transfusion with doctors hoping I wouldn’t fall into a coma. Fortunately, I didn’t, and weeks later I went under the surgeon’s knife to remove a huge uterine fibroid tumour. A nasty wound infection and reaction to antibiotics followed.

Before I recovered from surgery, I contracted the virus that caused my Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME). I firmly believe that, had I received timely medical treatment, my life would have followed a vastly different trajectory. You see, I never recovered, and am now a 28-year veteran of the disease.     

1995 though, was only the beginning of the medical gaslighting. After contracting ME, and desperately seeking answers, working part time and raising my girls unsupported, I was floundering. I needed time off work and went in search of an appropriate medical certificate. It was only when I left the surgery that I read it: ‘Melinda Jensen is suffering from Melinda Jensen.’

Back I went to show the doctor her her, ‘mistake’. She laughed. ‘I think it’s pretty accurate.’

Being disbelieved, shamed, and invalidated is soul crushing.

Another day, another doctor. This guy’s words both stunned and stung me. ‘You just need to make up your mind that this is it. This is as good as it gets. It’s a woman’s lot in life to suffer.’

Sick of hearing it yet? I was definitely sick of living it. But 2009 brought another opportunity to be treated like the village idiot. A vehicle accident landed me in hospital where I was examined by the duty doctor. I described my pain intensity…high!..and indicated where I believed my bones were broken. After a gruff examination, Dr Couldn’t-care-less refused an Xray, since I ‘clearly’ had no broken bones and was just suffering from a bit of bruising. (Oh, silly bloody me!) I begged to differ. He argued the toss. Thank God my oldest daughter arrived. Fixing him with her ‘don’t mess with me’ stare, she insisted.

He caved…angrily. ‘They won’t find anything!

He was wrong. The radiologist identified 6 broken ribs, a broken collar bone, punctured lung and torn rotator cuff. The doctor stormed off!

A couple of years and many doctors later I chanced upon a GP who seemed genuinely kind. I presented him with the current research and asked specifically for a SPECT scan and MRI of the brain. He hummed and hawed, gave me a goofy grin, and said the scans would find nothing. But he was willing to order them! A small win.

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The results revealed significantly reduced blood flow on the brain SPECT (indicating brain pathology) and significant white matter lesions on the MRI (ie brain damage not unlike that seen in Multiple Sclerosis). My ‘kind’ doctor was surprised (I seem to surprise doctors quite a bit.) Then he hit me with, ‘Are you working yet?’

He concluded every appointment after that the same way, ‘Are you working yet?’

I’ve been too ill to work for decades now and am currently bed-bound for the best part of the day.

I’d like to say that was the end of the medical gaslighting…but not much has changed since 1995.

In the grand scheme of things, my story isn’t important, but it is illustrative. I’m one of millions of people who have invisible illnesses, including . We receive criminally negligent treatment from medical professionals the world over…an appalling abuse of trust perpetrated against some of the most vulnerable members of society by some of the most powerful.

For shame!

(For more information on Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME/CFS) please see https://www.nightingale.ca/)

She said what? The Verbal Giveaways of a Covert Narcissist

28 Monday Aug 2023

Posted by in Abuse, Covert Narcissism, Emotional abuse, Indicators of narcissistic abuse, Narcissism, Narcissistic abuse, Passive-aggressive abuse, Psychological abuse, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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Just like Overt Narcissists, the covert narc will love bomb you in the early stages of the relationship, but the manner in which they woo you is different.

They’ll listen intently to every word you say, making you feel completely heard and understood, perhaps for the first time ever. They’ll also mirror you – pretending to be interested in what you’re interested in; your likes and dislikes; your goals and aspirations.

It’s seductive stuff. You might…and probably will…believe you’ve met your true soulmate. Your values are the same, your goals, your plans for the future, your tastes in music, art, politics and home decor. You name it. What magic!

Until the rot sets in…right after they have you hooked. At this point, a covert narcissist’s mask will slip…a mask that hides who they truly are. And who are they really? The polar opposite of what you see when their mask is firmly on.

If they’ve been kind till now, they’ll reveal themselves as downright emotionally and verbally cruel. If they’ve been gentle with your feelings in the past, they’ll now be brutal. Their flip to the dark side comes as a shock.

Once you reach that stage in the relationship, their verbal behaviour will change, even if yours remains consistent. At first it will be subtle. After presenting themselves as well-calibrated, mentally balanced, spiritual, kind, non-materialistic, non-judgemental and humble, they’ll let you know about the past traumas or experiences that have deeply affected them in a negative manner. All these experiences will be the fault of someone else. You’re meant to feel very sorry for them, such wonderful people as they believe themselves to be.

There’s nothing wrong with some well-placed empathy on your part. Empathy is a highly desirable trait in ourselves and our partners. It’s the degree of empathy a covert narcissist needs, repeatedly, that drains you dry. At the same time, they begin to diminish your own troubles and experiences, tossing them off as trivial compared to their own. Why? Because they’re highly invested in being the biggest martyr, the longest suffering and most tortured creature, no less than Jesus Christ himself on the cross. Some covert narcissists do, in fact, have a religious fixation, identifying completely with the martyrdom of the saints, and not necessarily within a Christian worldview. All major religions have their martyrs and so do atheists.

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If you’ve had a rough day and want to talk about it with them, you’ll get five seconds of, ‘Oh, yeah, that’s awful.’ (Perhaps accompanied by an eye roll or a bored look, or even a contemptuous laugh.) Then, wait for it! ‘But what about my day, darling? Do you know what I’ve had to go through today?’ Your own feelings will now be neatly sidelined while they regale you with hours and hours of their woes.

If you’re sick, they’re always sicker. If you’re tired, they’re so completely exhausted they can’t lift a finger. If you’re sad, they’re in a major depression. You’ll have to put on your big girl panties and suck it up because they need your full quota of sympathy.

And you’d better give it to them, or the rage will set in, often displayed by pointed passive aggressive behaviours and words. (More about passive aggressive behaviours in a future post.)

You’ll notice a distinct pattern over time, and you’ll pay the price of feeling unimportant, unseen, unheard and unloved while, at the same time, having to find resources deep within you to continue supporting and sympathizing with the other.

As with all abuse, the abuse of a covert narcissist is cyclic, orbiting through all the stages of abuse, from love-bombing, to disenchantment, to devaluation and abuse, and back again.

No relationship, not even a friendship, can sustain continuous emotional neglect. And if you’re wondering whether neglecting someone emotionally is abusive, I can say for sure that it is. It’s an intensely painful and lonely way to live.

The compliments and support you received during the love bombing stage shift surprisingly rapidly to insults and neglect. You’ll still receive their compliments but with a sting in the tail that leaves you confused.

They begin to season their compliments with a bit of a backhand. ‘You look great…you know, for your age; considering you’ve had a rough life.’

‘Dinner was great, babe. I mean, it’s a lazy way to cook but I guess it’s quick.’

‘You look stunning!’ they’ll tell you as you get ready for a night out. Yet at some point during the evening, they’ll mention your physical flaws.

If you’re self-conscious about your aging arms, they’ll stun you with, ‘Your arms are all crinkly!’

That was a compliment I received personally during my own relationship with a narcissist, and it was timed for that lull in the general conversation around the table during a family get-together. Everybody looked. I was mortified, and God bless my daughter for saying, ‘You just have goosebumps mum. It’s cold.’

Whether it’s the pimple you thought you’d camouflaged successfully, your crinkly neck skin or a stray grey hair, they’ll hone in on it at a strategic point. They build you up, just to bring you down.

Look for verbal behaviours like:

  • ‘After everything I’ve done for you…’
  • ‘How can you be smiling when I’ve had such a terrible day?’
  • ‘You might think you’re tired but you have no idea how exhausted I am.’
  • ‘That’s a beautiful ring you’re wearing. If only you could do something about your gnarly old hands.’
  • ‘You got 98%? What happened to the other two percent?’ (Later, they’ll insist they were only joking.)
  • ‘I love your hairstyle. It doesn’t suit you though.’
  • ‘Nice dress. How much did I pay for it?’
  • ‘I love you! But you’re f&*#%@g psycho.’ (At one point, I was ‘gifted’ this phrase repeatedly.)
  • ‘No one appreciates how hard I work.’
  • ‘The only reason I don’t get promoted is because everyone is jealous of me.’ (Nothing is ever their fault.)
  • ‘No, you can’t have your friends over. I’m all you should need.’
  • And ultimately, ‘You can’t leave me. I can’t live without you. I’ll kill myself.’ (Very unlikely)

This is far from an exhaustive list, of course, but by now I hope you have a better idea of what you’re up against. Eventually, a covert narcissist sabotages their own life and happiness. Don’t let them drag you down with them.

Spotting the Covert Narcissist

28 Friday Jul 2023

Posted by in Abuse, Blog about abuse, Controlling People, Emotional abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Indicators of narcissistic abuse, Narcissism, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Verbal abuse

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See the quiet person standing in the corner, impeccably dressed and not really engaging with the people around them?

You might assume they’re the strong, silent type, or perhaps that they’re a thoughtful introvert. Or maybe they’re just plain shy.

Or perhaps, just perhaps, you’ve just spotted a covert narcissist. They’re slippery customers and you shouldn’t trust your first impressions. You can, however, learn to be aware of the markers – the red flags – of covert narcissism – if you want to avoid their clutches. And believe me, you do want to avoid their clutches.

While this blog isn’t about narcissists per se, narcissism features prominently on its pages and posts because there’s an undeniable link between people with a high level of narcissistic traits and the tendency to be extremely abusive. They are master manipulators with a layer of superficial charm, and often the intelligence to ‘play’ you until they have what they want. While not all narcissists are abusers, we can safely say that all abusers have a high level of narcissistic traits. While few will have a clinical diagnosis of full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder, they will display some of the same nefarious personality traits.

Overt narcissists are easy to identify. They’re garrulous, have flamboyant gestures and are often magnanimous with their praise, mostly of themselves but also of their chosen targets, at least in the early stages of the relationship. Most are flagrantly boastful and seemingly without shame. People are often attracted by their confidence and ability to take charge.

Covert narcissism, however, is in many ways far more insidious in the way it draws us into the orbit of someone who seems to be quite introverted, perhaps a little needy and unsure of themselves, charmingly self-deprecating and with a seemingly unassuming disposition. They’re magnets for those of us who have high levels of empathy.

And they know it!

Relationships with narcissists are not always romantic. They exploit all their relationships…familial, friendship-based, intimate or business.

Generally, true introverts are a delight to be around. They’re great listeners and not averse to joining in interesting conversations in their own quiet way. They won’t talk over the top of you or attempt to steal your thunder, and they tend to be there for you when you need a listening ear and a helping hand. They get you.

Covert narcissists however, while having the appearance of being introverted, differ from introverts in that they’re very poor listeners, largely because they’re not the slightest bit interested in anyone else or in their lives and problems. They believe themselves to be far superior to the average Joe or Joanna, a belief that underpins their aura of magnetic aloofness. They can be truly condescending, but rather than use obvious verbal putdowns, they’ll likely betray themselves with a ‘bored’ look, a rude yawn or a well-timed eye-roll. Watching out for the subtle non-verbal gestures that indicate indifference and arrogance, is crucial in differentiating between a genuine introvert and a covert narcissist. It won’t be until later in the relationship that you’ll notice specific verbal cues giving them away and making you extremely uncomfortable. Personally, I feel extremely stressed when in the company of these people, and have learned to heed the warning…a gut feeling…to stay away from them.

Like all narcissists, the covert variety are on their very best behaviour in the early stages of the relationship, and are eminently capable of love-bombing you with their sweet neediness. They might make you feel like you’re the most desirable, loveable, and intriguingly clever person in their world, simply because they can’t bear to be away from you, needing you to be close by at all times, desperate to know what you think; and needing constant reassurances. Trust me, this becomes exhausting. But by the time emotional fatigue sets in, you’re likely to be well-embroiled in their game, feeling your sanity slowly slipping away, along with your patience.

To be around a covert narcissist is confusing to say the least, expert as they are at giving mismatched and mixed signals, keeping you constantly off-balance and unsure of yourself.

And in my experience, while all narcissists will suck you dry, a covert narcissist is a consummate maestro when it comes to emotional vampirism. They’ll ring every last drop of energy and emotion from you and still be left wanting more.

My next post will address the verbal behaviours of covert narcissists that inevitably appear in the next stage of the relationship…after the initial love-bombing. These behaviours have the same impact as the blatant verbal put-downs and scathing dressing downs received at the hands of an overt narcissist, while masquerading as humour, compliments (usually backhanded), care and concern. If anything, this subtler form of gaslighting is more crazy-making than its blatant counterpart.

What to take from this post:

Covert narcissists:

1.  Are quiet and aloof

2.  Are supercilious/condescending

3.  Believe they’re superior to their fellow human beings

4.  Are extremely needy

5.  Are insecure and jealous

6.  Engage in non-verbal behaviours that indicate their internal state of emptiness.

Image courtesy of FreeDitigalPhotos.net/graur razvan ionut

What to watch out for:

Inappropriate yawning

Rude eye rolling

Sighing and looking away when others speak

Disinterest in engaging with other people’s conversations

Poor listening skills

Any facial expression that looks disdainful

Deflection: Such an Effective way to Invalidate you

10 Monday Oct 2022

Posted by in Abuse, Blog about abuse, Controlling People, Emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from emotional abuse, Indicators of narcissistic abuse, Narcissism, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Relationship advice, Relationships, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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Image of a brother and sister arguing, with one of them not listening and using a hand gesture to tell the other person to stop.
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net/artur84

The unwillingness to accept responsibility stems from a huge and fragile ego. It also stems from cowardice. Bullies and abusers are always cowards. They don’t have the intestinal fortitude to face the fact they’re culpable of any, and many, transgressions, and they’ll tear you apart at the slightest criticism, no matter how warranted.

It’s this unwillingness to take personal responsibility that leads abusers to use any, and sometimes, every form of psychological defense mechanism, with devastating effect on their prey.

One of the most maddening, confusing and stress-inducing of these defense mechanisms is ‘deflection’. By deflecting blame, especially in the heat of the moment, abusers throw their victims off course and turn the whole situation back on them.

You end up having to defend yourself against a barrage of cruel allegations that bear little resemblance to reality.

He’ll say, ‘What have you ever done for me?’ (Plenty, is my guess.)

He’ll snarl, ‘You lied about my kids.’ (You know you didn’t.)

He’ll stab his finger at you and yell, ‘It’s your fault my family wants nothing to do with us.’ (In truth, you’ve turned yourself inside out to bring about reconciliation and relationship, and copped a truckload of abuse from his family for your trouble.)

The fact that he doesn’t recognize the truth about you; the way you’ve been doing everything possible to foster a harmonious marriage and family, only to be brutally hit with accusations to the contrary, is really, really hurtful.

And you’ll feel desperate to defend yourself – to get him to see the truth. But he never will, because it doesn’t suit his narrative. Or perhaps, even more insidiously, he does know the truth but has only one goal in mind; to decimate you emotionally. To shut you down, silence you and avoid facing his own shortcomings. He knows he’s hurting you and he just keeps going, bludgeoning you verbally with more and more outlandish accusations, putting you in the position of having to prove him wrong.

One way to recognize if someone is employing this strategy against you is to ask yourself if you entered the discussion with one intention and then found that the discussion that needed to be had didn’t happen at all. The conversation was hijacked and taken in an entirely different direction. Did you want to talk about the way he belittled you in front of friends, for instance, but ended up talking about every little grievance he has against you? And most likely it will be the same list that comes up over and over again, whenever you try to breach a difficult subject. That too, is a clue. Over time, you should almost be able to predict what he’s going to blast you with.

You end up apologizing, don’t you? And begging for forgiveness? And just wanting the relentless verbal assault on your character to stop?

Heaven forbid that a conversation should ever revolve around your needs and not his!

I vividly recall finding myself in this dilemma time and again, and yet it took me years to pull apart what was really happening; to learn to recognize this deflection of blame while it was actually happening. Keeping a level head at these times is extremely challenging and yet, it’s essential if you’re ever going to extract yourself from the cycle of abuse. If you don’t clearly recognize what’s really happening, you can’t look it in the face for what it is…and reject it.

You can’t say ‘no’ with clarity, and walk away.

You have the right to speak your truth. A rational, mature person will be able to take that in their stride, even if speaking your truth brings up their faults and failings. They might feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, confused, sad, or even angry at first. But they will address the issue. They’ll be big enough to talk it through with you; to hear you. They will not silence you by attacking you and your vulnerabilities. And they will most certainly not turn the conversation back on you, making you the culprit.

It’s essential for you to recognize when this is happening – right in the midst of it. You need to call your accuser out. Tell them that what they’re saying has nothing to do with the issue at hand, and that you’re aware they’re sidestepping the problem by mentioning subjects that are totally irrelevant. They need to know that you know they’re not answering your questions, and that you’re aware they’re perpetuating a pattern that’s designed to ‘get them off the hook’. You need to insist on a rational, clear-headed response from them that is a direct response to your questions and grievances. If they’re not rational enough to do that, and abusers never are, then you need to turn your back and refuse to continue the conversation.

It’s breathtakingly difficult. Every raw nerve, every traumatic trigger will have been thrown in your face. You’ll want to defend yourself against all the irrelevant accusations, but you don’t need to. In fact, you shouldn’t even try. It’s just a game to them…an ugly, cruel game that’s fully intended to ensure you look like the bad guy, and they look like the long-suffering martyr.

All they want is to throw you off kilter so they don’t have to face their own short-comings. Don’t let them get away with it. Keep bringing them back to the point. If that doesn’t help, turn your back and exit the conversation.

If the pattern continues without abating, I suggest you think long and hard about exiting the relationship entirely. It may well be time to take back your sanity.

Fourth Indicator Of Narcissistic Abuse: The Flying Monkey Troupe

24 Monday Aug 2020

Posted by in Abuse, Abuse victims, Blog about abuse, Emotional abuse, Flying Monkeys, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Indicators of narcissistic abuse, Narcissism, Narcissistic abuse, Passive-aggressive abuse, Psychological abuse, Relationships, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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Who else thinks ‘The Wizard of Oz’ is one of the greatest screen classics of all time? Don’t you just love all those larger than life characters? Dorothy, Toto and that ragtag band of lovable misfits? Of course, the Wicked Witch of the West is beyond the pale when it comes to wickedness, and we didn’t really care, did we, when she started to melt? But is there anything truly more loathsome than her wretched flying monkeys?

Illustration by me

They mindlessly, seemingly without the power of thought (even the level of thought attributed to the lowliest of the higher primates), did the witch’s bidding. And they did it gleefully, brutally and without a shred of mercy or remorse. Nothing beats the malice of a flying monkey.

Undoubtedly, they were weak-willed and lacking in character and moral judgement. And, so it is with the troupes of ‘flying monkeys’ that encircle, and do the bidding of your run-of-the-mill, narcissistic, emotional and psychological abuser.

Fuelled by the (dubious and insincere) esteem of their master or mistress, they leap into the fray in ignorant defence of someone who very likely views them as inferior, expedient and easily manipulated. We can forgive them for being ignorant (I suppose) but not for being malicious. They have something to gain from their willingness to attack the real victims of abuse, as flimsy as those gains are in a rational and moral light. They gain strokes to their fragile egos; pats on their backs; ingratiating thanks and sickly compliments about how wonderful and faithful they are. They have already set your abuser up as a demi-god who can do no wrong and it’s far easier for them to believe it. There’s no need to think for themselves if they can simply place their trust in someone else – someone who has the confidence to present themselves as incredibly special and knowledgeable.

Truly, they walk among us, these flying monkeys, and they look just like you or me. Sometimes – more often than I care to remember – they are our friends and family. That’s why their attacks hurt so much. It’s also one reason they are ‘chosen’ by our abuser.

So, what is their role, these misguided and weak-willed beings, so lacking in insight?

As with every other strategy used by a controlling narcissist, their purpose is to undermine you; destroy your belief in yourself and your own reality; convince you that you are not the victim of abuse but the perpetrator; confuse you about what happened and what didn’t’; remove your sources of support by spreading the word of your ‘craziness’ amongst your social and family groups; and hit you relentlessly with cruel accusations. It’s one thing to take a ‘barb’ from one source. En masse it is soul destroying and very much a part of the ‘crazy-making’ agenda.

By this stage you’ve probably already been isolated from your entire support system. The narcissist and their flying monkeys may well be all you know. You’re alone and under attack.

I found myself in that position a decade ago. It destroyed my mental and emotional health and added a whole new dimension to my ever-present debilitating physical condition. I wish I could outline the details here, as real-life examples are so instructive, but I believe it would set me up for defamation charges, so I must hold off. Abusive people are perpetually indignant and ready to bring in the law when exposed for what they are. Truth is no defence.

The flying monkeys you encounter may not always be overtly abusive but beware of their covert attacks. They have an endless repertoire of reproachful looks, dramatic facial expressions of hurt, disbelief and disapproval, barely concealed whispers ‘behind your back’ (yet designed for you to be aware of), and are often gifted with spiteful innuendo. They’ll emulate their master’s/mistress’s penchant for protracted periods of the silent treatment. A concerted attack by a whole group will bring you to your knees. And they’ll kick you while you’re down.

Because they do such a large portion of the abuser’s dirty work (while the abuser slips under the public radar), they help to fuel the illusion that the abuser is actually squeaky clean. Innocent. It’s a neat trick. Deflection. Diffusion of responsibility.

It’s particularly insidious when an abusive individual enlists children to the role. Perhaps they are your stepchildren or even your own children who are being poisoned by an estranged spouse. These kids don’t yet have fully formed personalities, characters, morals or world views. They’re a piece of cake to manipulate, making them an attractive choice for your unscrupulous tormentor. They’re innocent pawns in a sick game.

Adults, however, are a different prospect. They are chosen for their inherent weaknesses. They need to be easily swayed, which means they’re intellectually lazy. They also need to obtain a measure of reward from hurting the victim (just as the perpetrator does). They undoubtedly love the drama of heightened emotions and the esteem derived from a pat on the back for a job well done by their puppet master. They lack moral fibre.

So, don’t listen to them. Don’t let them take up space in your head. On some deep level, possibly long buried, you still know who you are, what you believe in and what you stand for. Hold fast to that, and believe that one day, you’ll reclaim your authentic self.

Flying monkeys are cowards at heart. Stand strong but don’t try to fight them with rational words. They’re no more rational than instigator of the abuse. Turn your back. Laugh at them. Tell them they’re talking rubbish…and mostly, give them no sign that you are affected by their words and actions, even if you are affected at this moment. Fake it till you make it. It will reduce their power over you.

I’d like to say that they’ll eventually disappear from your life and leave your primary abuser to ‘gaslight’ you all by himself, but that’s unlikely to happen. I’ll tackle gaslighting in my next post. It’s the most devious, dangerous and cruel strategy of all. You need to be armed against it.

The Third Indicator of Narcissistic Abuse

30 Thursday Jul 2020

Posted by in Abuse, Abuse victims, Blog about abuse, Emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Indicators of narcissistic abuse, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Relationships, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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Narcissists know everything. They know something about everything and everything about something. And there’s simply nothing they know nothing about. They are never wrong and you’d better not forget it.

Once again, the unbridled ego of the true narcissist shines through in all its questionable glory. Most of us are truly baffled when we first encounter this persistent narcissistic trait. The statements that issue from the mouths (and pens) of narcissists are uttered with such complete confidence that we automatically question our own knowledge-base and experience. We doubt our own intellect. The average person is usually willing to consider new points of view and to modify their own attitudes in the face of new information.  So, we give people the benefit of the doubt and wait patiently for an intelligent discussion about the topic at hand.

When a narcissist presents this new ‘information’, however, they present it without a shred of evidence, but rather, with sweeping statements about their own expertise in the area. They just ‘know’. Yes, they’re quite ‘certain about it’. No, we needn’t worry about this possibility or that nuance because the narcissist has got it covered. He’s thought it all through already and we needn’t worry our pretty little heads about such things. He worked in the industry for years and is quite simply, an expert. We don’t know his background, of course. We’re simply expected to take his word, just as we were expected to take his word on other topics, like environmental concerns, tree-felling, child-rearing, Asian culture, Buddhism, photography, running of corporations, how to fix just about everything, engineering, medical procedures, the cosmos, origins of the universe, true spirituality and the God particle.

My art, my face when listening to a narcissistic know it all

My face in the company of a narcissistic know-it-all. Original artwork by me.

‘I’ve built roads before. I know all about their construction and the materials used. So, let me take charge of the project and elect me as chairman of the committee and I’ll get things done!’

And that’s the crux of it. They want you to hand over your power and self-efficacy – to them. They feed off it. And so, they manipulate your trust, goad you with smiles and promises, and dazzle you with their (generally fictitious and at least, highly exaggerated) ‘expert’ backgrounds.

(At this point the flying monkeys will be nodding their heads seriously and expressing their extreme gratitude for the aptitude and competence of the speaker, relieved to leave everything in his or her hands. It’s truly a wonder to behold – and we’ll take an in-depth look at the ‘Flying Monkey Phenomenon’ in my next post.)

Confidence is an attractive trait and it’s not surprising people are drawn to more confident people. As with all traits, a narcissist takes this one too far, however. It’s not a characteristic they truly embody but is part of their mask, their persona. They put it on like a superhero’s cape and when they flourish it, some of us tend to swoon. We’re caught in the web of deceit by a mere confidence trick.

It’s important to keep a rational head in the face of this particular dilemma. It’s tempting just to go along with the schemes presented and take the speaker at his word. It saves us doing some thinking and investigating for ourselves and it also saves us from the uncomfortable proposition of having to confront the speaker with his or her ‘error’. Hell hath no fury like a narcissist outed!

It’s not easy – and I would argue, often impossible – to hold on to your intellectual rigour when you’re closely involved with a covert narcissist, one who specializes in psychological and emotional abuse. You will already be suffering the psychological and emotional consequences of their relentless gaslighting. If you’re deep in a relationship with such a person and are currently reading these words, I don’t advise you to start confronting them with the truth – that they are wrong; they are mistaken; they are misinformed; and will cause problems if allowed to hold sway and forge ahead with their plans.

I suggest it would be safer for you to note my words and begin to regain control of your own inner truth. It will give you strength and allow you to begin believing in yourself and your own reality once more. Now is not the time to make quick decisions but perhaps to begin formulating the best way forward for yourself. Control of your own mind is one of the most important steps you can take at this time.

Don’t be persuaded by superficial or emotional argument. If he says the road-base supplied by the contractor contains deadly silica dust and can cause silicosis (which is a modern version of asbestosis), look it up! Is he correct? In the instance I’m recalling, he most definitely was not. Despite that, he managed to insult the contractor, abuse (using filthy language) the good-hearted person who’d hired the contractor, cause chaos and hysteria among the people who believed in his expertise and whom he’d worked up to a frenzy – and then, he sat back to thoroughly enjoy the circus. He actually laughed at others’ distress in the face of his abuse and manipulation.

In this example, I was not close to the perpetrator. It was relatively easy for me to take an objective stance, check the facts and call him out on it. I still suffered the inevitable consequences of social rejection and ostracization by himself and his flying monkeys, and the character assassination that ensued behind my back, but his opinion of me was of no consequence. In times past, I’ve not had that privilege.

I’ve been married to a similar personality. I was never allowed to challenge his ‘expertise’, his ‘superior’ opinions and his self-proclaimed competence in virtually every area of life. What I did note, however, was his jealousy – his covetousness. He couldn’t bear for me to know things he didn’t know or for me to handle certain situations better than he did. He took my strengths and undermined them so that he could convince me they were weaknesses and prove to himself, and others, how much better than me he was. That is not the action of one who loves. It is the action of one who seeks to destroy. It is hateful and poisonous. One of the most effective methods he used was to boldly claim his superiority, his rightness…about everything…and to do so publicly and loudly. It was humiliating. It was meant to be humiliating.

It is in some ways very difficult to break the indicators of narcissistic abuse into neat categories because they are all intricately linked. It’s not possible to grasp the full psychological and emotional impact of each indicator without considering the impact of all the others. They work together to undermine the psyche, to destroy self-esteem, self-worth, self-belief and cruelly, to destroy your very sanity.

Yet, there is still something to be gained from spelling out each diabolical trait. If there is someone close to you who is always right and will not brook argument; who always knows what needs to be done and will not be thwarted without retaliating with severe verbal, emotional and psychological abuse; who consistently places himself in the position of ‘expert’; who sweeps aside your questions and concerns; who will not listen to your alternative views…beware! This is an extremely serious indicator that you may be in the clutches of a narcissistic abuser.

If his ‘flying monkeys’ join the fray and attack you en masse with their vicious backlash, it’s time to exit with dignity.

My next post will address those foolish, blinded, flying monkeys. They’re chosen for a reason and are always to be found in the entourage of narcissistic abusers.

The Second Indicator of Narcissistic Abuse

17 Friday Jul 2020

Posted by in Abuse, Abuse victims, Blog about abuse, counseling, Emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Narcissism, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychopathology, Relationship abuse, Relationships, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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Arrogant businessman

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net/holohololand

They are the best, most popular, most interesting ‘everything’ and they have the best, most popular, most interesting ‘everything’. Everyone and everything else is inferior.

I confess this aspect of narcissists is particularly galling in that they actually have the gall to believe what they’re telling us, and they display a total lack of humility in the telling. I emotionally and physically recoil from the bold, unfounded claims of such unbridled egos. They raise my hackles. Perhaps someone in your life raises your hackles for similar reasons. We all like to feel good about ourselves but there’s a line most of us won’t cross; a line of decency and rational thinking. We are all flawed beings…unless we are narcissists.

I’ve heard such astounding claims as:

‘We were the most popular family in the whole school. We were always treated as though we’re special. People gave us things no-one else got.’ The earnest facial expression that accompanied this statement almost elicited an eyeroll from me, which would, of course had resulted in days of retribution from father (who aided and abetted the outrageous claims) and son alike, had I not checked myself.

‘I have the best music. The best!’ How I hated listening to that guy’s unique blend of Thai country music and heavy metal and, of course, he played it loud enough for the whole neighbourhood to hear, convinced we enjoyed it as much as he did. This fellow was also always ‘right’ about everything and he knew everything about something and something about everything. We’ll tackle that in my next post (Indicator number 3), as it’s a universal trait of narcissists.

‘I own expensive antiques.’ They were in such a state of filthy disrepair, they were, in fact, worth nothing.

‘I’m the well-calibrated one.’ (Naturally, I was the crazy one. There’s no way a narcissist will share his pedestal.)

‘I know I’m pretty.’ (Actually, that claim was debatable and was a surprise coming from a teenage girl, a group who are almost universally afflicted with a terrible self-consciousness and lack of faith in their own attributes.)

‘My children never lie.’ Translated to, ‘My children are perfect.’ They were also never rude, or unreasonable, or too loud or too sulky, or anything other than absolutely perfect. He wore their ‘perfection’ as a badge of his own superiority. (Poor kids, what chance did they have?)

ordinary house graphic‘My house is worth a million dollars.’ It wasn’t, and ended up selling for a lot less.

‘I did nothing wrong in my first marriage.’ Again, I’m perfect! The first wife, who suicided, might beg to differ, were she still around to tell her story.

‘I’m the teacher’s favourite.’ Cue in another almost-eyeroll. In case I sound as though I have no understanding or compassion for children, this young fellow was simply following in his father’s well-warn narcissistic footsteps and I was powerless to stop it. I waited for his words to be tempered by some wisdom from his father. It never came…because his father agreed with him, his son being perfect, after all. This is one way in which future narcissists are formed. (Are they born or are they bred? That’s a topic for a whole new post.)

‘I’m the best artist and I should have got the academic award for art, not him!’ This claim was fully supported by the speaker’s father who might have taken the opportunity to give a lesson in humility, or perhaps fairness and work ethic. Truth was, she was definitely a talented artist but she didn’t put in the work, and was simply trumped by someone who did.

‘Look around you, darling. We’re millionaires.’ A self-satisfied, smug, arrogant expression settled on his face when he made this claim, which was often over the years. You’ll probably notice a pattern developing by now and guess that we weren’t millionaires at all. You’d be right. Almost everything we owned was caught up in property; plus, neither of us was working (me, due to ill health, him, because he didn’t want to), so our funds were dwindling rapidly while he held onto his fantasy.

‘I haven’t lost my boyish good looks.’ I know people say such things in humour but this statement was made in complete seriousness. Another debatable claim.

‘I wasn’t appreciated at work. I worked harder than anyone else and I was good at it.’

‘Look at her. (His daughters, his nieces, his sisters). She’s so beautiful. She’s gorgeous! Perfect in every way. Look at her dress! Stunning!’ He would say this over and over and over, especially after a few too many drinks. There was something emotionally incestuous about it that made my skin crawl. Looking back, it was most likely due to his overwhelming need to ‘own’ perfect things; the best things, even if those ‘things’ were people.

Mercifully, my experiences have become a distant memory and now raise only a rye smile and a shake of my head. If you’re caught up with a narcissist, however, you’ll have your own unique story of your narcissist’s ‘perfection’ to tell. If you’ve ever deigned to disagree with their bold claims of superiority, you’ll remember their retaliation acutely. So acutely, I’m willing to guess, that you’ve dared not disagree again. Trying to hold a rational conversation with your tormentor about the reality of their situation, and of their dysfunctional ‘self-concept’ is always going to end in battle. And you will lose.

An out-sized ego will interpret any attempt to encourage self-reflection as a direct assault. They will feel attacked, and when they feel attacked, you already know how that ends for you.

We all have our blind spots and our little vanities but, if you’re living with someone who repeatedly claims the limelight and has no trouble articulating how magnificent they are, in every aspect of life, often enough to make you feel uncomfortable…trust those uncomfortable feelings.

Spend some time thinking about the ways in which your abuser claims bragging rights. Is it normal or over the top?

Are they the best at practically everything? Is their family perfect, even in the face of direct evidence to the contrary? Are they inordinately proud of their income, their home, their achievements, their children, their amazing contribution to every aspect of life? I would love to hear some of your stories.

Stay posted for Indicator Number 3: Narcissists know everything. They know something about everything and everything about something.

 

 

Australia still says ‘Yes’!

08 Friday Dec 2017

Posted by in Abuse, Abuse victims, Australia says Yes, bigotry, Bisexual, Emotional abuse, Gay, Gender equality, Gender inequality, Injustice, Lesbian, Marriage Equality, Marriage Equality in Australia, Pansexual, politics, australia, Psychological abuse, Relationships, Same Sex Marriage, Spirituality, Trans, Uncategorized

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Image of a face; male on one side, female on the other

Artwork by Melinda Jensen

Read…and weep. 

Especially those of you who consider yourselves decent human beings;  compassionate and reasonable human beings who would never tolerate the presence, here in Australia, of an underclass…and yet you voted, ‘No’. I am calling on you to have a good, long look inside yourself.

There are celebrations here in Australia; among those who believe in equality. All of us who believe in love. All of us who believe we’re not gods at the centre of the universe, casting judgment upon the masses…nor making decisions that impinge on the basic human rights of others. We’re celebrating…but with a dark and heartbreaking undercurrent.

But right now…before I launch into my story…my daughters’ story…my granddaughter’s story…

READ…

Tomorrow at 9am (Qld time), the verdict of the marriage equality survey will be announced. Ever since it was agreed that the nation would vote, I’ve felt progressively more quietly downtrodden – while the support has been truly beautiful, hearing of friends and family silently voting no has made me feel sick, and the ones doing it loudly even more so. The sheer number of people I thought – by association and friendship – were supportive of me as a person who think I’m lesser, not worthy, or abhorrent is terrifying. That’s what a no vote says to me – that I am not okay, not worthy, don’t deserve happiness or love. I don’t understand and I can’t comprehend it.

Being in a relationship with a man, a woman, a non binary person or anyone else makes me no less pansexual. Marriage equality being passed in Australia makes me no less pansexual. The hate I’ve witnessed, read about and been subject to makes me no less pansexual. In the end, regardless of the result, that is what this survey means to me – disenchantment, mistrust and alienation. The fact that a nation was willing to put so many people through this heartbreak just to prove a point – to vote on an established human right – is inconceivable.

Hug your family tomorrow. We need it.

Substitute the word ‘black’ for ‘pansexual’. You’re not racist, of course! Mixed race marriages have been legal for six or seven decades. Think about that for a moment. There are people living today who still bear the scars of that humiliation  and whose descendants will continue to struggle with their identities for hundreds of years to come. All because the dominant classes acted from fear instead of love.

Hark back 200 years and witness my ancestors who fled their mother country in fear for their lives – fled to the harsh colonies in Australia; that barren and frightening land. Why? Because they were convicts? No.

Because they were adventurous? Seeking a new life in the land of the free? Not exactly.

It was because they committed the worst of sins…

An ‘Orange’ married a ‘Green’.

Taboo. And so they risked their lives and their livelihoods in the name of love. We look back on those days and shake our heads at the collective ignorance, the bigotry and harsh injustices. Society was so misguided back then, we think, feeling a little smug because we’re so much more enlightened these days.

Aren’t we?

In traditional Judaism, girls are permitted to marry as young as twelve years of age, and boys at thirteen. Do we then refuse to allow all Jews to marry in this country…because sexual relationships with children are surely an abomination? For that matter, do we refuse to allow followers of other religions, like Islam, to marry because they too, allow child marriage, along with polygamy? No?

That brings me to the point made by advocates of the ‘No’ vote that I find most loathsome – that the normalization of paedosex will naturally progress from the legalization of same-sex marriage. There is no rationale behind this train of thought. Any deductive argument in its defense crumbles to rubble before the end of the first paragraph.

Paedophilia is almost the sole domain of the heterosexual male. Before you shout me down, please note I said ‘almost’. Yes, there are women – vile, sick women. Yes, there are gay and lesbian paedophiles. We’re all familiar with the stories of little boys being lured into men’s toilets, and while that’s a cliche, it’s one with a basis in truth. Sometimes, it happens. (I haven’t personally read or heard of a lesbian paedophile but it stands to reason that some would exist in this world.)

BUT: The majority of sexual assaults on children take place at the hands of heterosexual men, many of whom are married or have female partners. And sometimes, their heterosexual female partners are complicit, or worse, active participants. Incest is hardly a thing of the past.

According to the hypothesis that underlies the position that paedosex naturally follows from the legalization of same-sex marriage, it would be more logical then, to refuse to allow heterosexual couples to marry.

I have gender-fluid friends and members of my family – all of whom I’d trust implicitly with my children – well, grandchildren then; my daughters have long-since left their childhoods behind them. There are however, a number of heterosexual people I’d hesitate to entrust with something so precious as a human life. Call it intuition, if you will. I call it spiritual discernment.

My last point is one I approach with some trepidation – the Christian viewpoint. And yet, it is, in some ways, the most salient point – largely because it is the Christian contingent in this country who have voiced their objections so venomously. I won’t attempt to broach this subject from a doctrinal perspective. Nor will I pretend to be knowledgeable enough to quote scripture with any certainty of a perfect understanding of its original meaning. What is needed from those who believe in God, is the humility to admit that, not only do we struggle to comprehend scripture as it’s translated today (it’s complicated!), but the vast majority of us are abysmally ignorant of the nuances of the language in which it was first written. I’ll also go out on a limb and say I believe we don’t have the full scriptures to hand. How could we? Thousands of years of translations at the hands of mere humanity; lost manuscripts; the politically motivated church leaders in charge of deciding which books and verses to include and which to destroy or hide under lock and key – all of it points to the fact we need to listen with our hearts.

And my heart says that the harsh and judgmental voices of so many ‘No’ voters have shredded the souls of so many vulnerable human beings. They have been invalidated, belittled and made to feel ‘less than’; they have, as made clear in the quote above, been hurt to the very core. They are humiliated and shamed. There was a significant rise in the number of suicides among the ‘non-heterosexual’ community in the lead-up to this sham of a postal survey. They felt as monsters on display awaiting a verdict. Guilty of the sin of being who they are. Offered up to the masses for scrutiny; for trial and sentencing.

In the memorable words of the ‘elephant man’, ‘I am not a monster!’

As a mother, it utterly breaks my heart.

The author of the heartfelt plea I’ve quoted here is my youngest daughter, Kim Kahler. Both my daughters are ‘other’. I am incredibly proud of them. They are so much more than I ever was or will ever be.

I have witnessed their acts of compassion and sacrifice, their contributions to society, their commitment to the environment, their admirable work ethic and unquenchable thirst for knowledge and wisdom, their responsible parenting and their quests for justice. And I have seen them brought low by those who resort to small-mindedness, ignorance, bigotry and pure hate. They have not responded in kind.

So to all of you who voted ‘No’ – I know you have your reasons. But please…please…realize and take responsibility for the depth of pain you’ve inflicted on vulnerable human beings who need, more than anything else, your love.

Search your hearts and recognize the darkness there.

 

 

 

 

The Question on Everyone’s Lips: Why do victims stay so long?

11 Saturday Nov 2017

Posted by in Abuse, Abuse victims, Blog about abuse, Controlling People, Counselling, Emotional abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Narcissistic abuse, Oppression of women, Passive-aggressive abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Psychopathology, Recovery from abuse, Relationship abuse, Relationship breakdown, Stockholm Syndrome, The Silent Treatment, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse, Why abuse victims don't leave, Why abuse victims stay so long

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sinking woman, koratmember

Image courtesy of koratmember at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

To those who’ve been in psychological and emotional captivity to an abusive partner, spouse or parent, the answer is abundantly clear. It’s complicated but obvious; yet far from obvious to outside observers.

Even those who know us well and have watched us struggle, find our actions inexplicable. We try to explain, we really do. But even to ourselves, the words sound hollow and illogical.

And so we clam up, feeling judged and misunderstood. And lonely…desperately lonely. In the short term, that’s probably all we can do. It takes time – a long time – for us to understand ourselves, and our situations, sufficiently to articulate the truth. In the meantime, until we find the strength to leave the abuser once and for all, friends and family often drop off like lemmings from a cliff, leaving us without much-needed support and encouragement. And that’s all part of our abuser’s grand plan.

I was lucky. I have two epic daughters and a strong mother. They didn’t quite understand but they were accepting and unswervingly supportive.

angry man

Image courtesy of saphatthachat at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

But by and large, I was isolated for over three years from every one of my former friends, and from most of my wider family. There were even attempts to alienate me from my eldest daughter and two grandchildren. Not only was my abuser angry, loud and frightening when my grandchildren came to stay with me, as they’d done since they were tiny, but his own children carried out their own sniper attacks while I was sleeping. (Read my post about flying monkeys here.)

 

My grandchildren would invariably leave, after a weekend spent with me, (once peaceful and serene), so distressed that my daughter no longer allowed them to visit. So I made the 45 minute drive into town to spend time with them whenever time and energy allowed – which wasn’t nearly often enough. I was kept far too busy jumping through hoops to avoid the backlash of my abuser’s anger. As you can see, the ways an abuser isolates his victims from their support network is, by no means, always obvious. More frequently, it’s a covert operation.

And I was sick; so desperately sick with a chronic illness I’d battled for nearly two decades. And let’s not forget that abusers target the ill; the vulnerable. (Note: All of us who are, by nature, compassionate and caring, are hence, vulnerable.)

So that’s reason number 1: We no longer have family and friends to turn to. No one knows what’s going on. No-one believes us when we tell them.

Let me tell you, it’s quite possible to be driven, quite literally, mad. I know, because that’s the state in which I found myself one September. Utterly bereft. Utterly confused. Utterly without any knowledge of or belief in my own reality.

You started out as quite normal. It’s normal to enter relationships with a healthy outlook that assumes shared power; shared responsibility; shared decision-making; shared affection. Everything is mutual and equal. THAT is normal.

THAT’S what you expected, as we all should. But that’s not what happens in abusive relationships.

Instead, you’re manipulated from the outset…subtly at first, and then, when you’re broken in (and broken), the abuse becomes blatant. But by then, you don’t trust yourself. Your reality is skewed. You no longer remember who you truly are. Before long, you can’t answer simple questions about yourself, like, ‘What’s your favourite colour?’

It’s all part of the plan. THEIR plan.

I’ve written in other posts about ‘crazy-making behaviour‘. Let me recap on one of an abuser’s major weapons – Gaslighting.

The movie, ‘Gaslight’ is a golden oldie, starring Ingrid Bergman (as the victim) and Charles Boyer (as the perpetrator). (As a bonus, a young Angela Lansbury makes her debut appearance!) Despite seeming a bit cheesy due to the era, it’s well worth a watch. If you’ve been abused, it will make your hairs stand on end.

To explain briefly, to gaslight someone is to set up certain conditions, and then deny they ever happened. All the while, the ‘gaslighter’ is coupling his or her denials with declarations of love, concern and undying affection, which creates a powerful emotional conditioning. Let me draw a parallel from my own experience.

My neurological condition is known for its cognitive difficulties. During times of stress and illness exacerbation, I rely on written lists; and when I really need to remember something important, I make an extra effort to commit it to long-term memory. I’ve been doing this for around 20 years now and although I still have momentary lapses, by and large, I’ve trained my memory to work fairly well.

Unfortunately, like all abusers, my tormentor seized on this vulnerability and used it against me. Relentlessly. We’d make joint decisions, during which he would seem perfectly agreeable and then I’d wake up the next morning to be told the conversations had never taken place. But also, of course, that he ‘understood’ because ‘poor me’, I have such cognitive difficulties…and he loved me anyway, despite how difficult I was. His performance was worthy of an Oscar and I fell for it over and over, with each episode becoming more and more cruel.

He started to drop the I love you‘s and began to look at me sidelong, like a snake, as if I were filth beneath his martyred feet. By that time, I doubted my own sanity and he openly told me I was f..ing psycho; the crazy one etc. When I stood my ground and opposed him, he became cold, callous and calculating; interspersed with every aggressive and passive-aggressive tactic he could pull out of his bag of psychopathic tricks.

Coupled with all the other modes of abuse and control, I found myself doubting my own sense of reality. It tipped me over the edge. By that time, I felt crazy. And then, of course, he used that against me. The spiral into the abyss of madness was swift and terrifying.

And that’s reason number 2: We reach a point where we no longer trust ourselves or our own reality. If we believe we’re crazy, we also believe we can’t cope on our own; and so we stay with the person who has driven us out of our minds.

And if you fall into this trap? (How can we not?) If you believe you’re not quite sane? What do you do? You cling desperately to the abuser who has deliberately…callously…manipulated your reality to fit his own ends. He wants you to believe HIM (or HER); and so give up on yourself. Who are you then? What do you know? Who and what do you trust?

Remember, family and friends have already disappeared one by one.

And so the trauma bond becomes complete. You have no choice (because your judgment and sanity have been taken from you) but to put all your trust in the only person left to look after you – your abuser.

You may have heard of Stockholm Syndrome. If not, here’s the lowdown:

It’s a psychological phenomenon that is frequently displayed by:

  • Abused Children
  • Battered/Abused Women
  • Prisoners of War
  • Cult Members
  • Incest Victims
  • Criminal Hostage Situations
  • Concentration Camp Prisoners
  • Controlling/Intimidating Relationships

It’s characterized by an intense emotional bond that forms between those who hold all the power in a situation and their victims, who hold no power whatsoever. It’s a survival strategy that makes no sense to an outside observer but perfect sense from a psychological perspective. It actually enhances the chances of survival for victims. Unfortunately, it also diminishes the likelihood a victim will leave an abusive situation because:

  • Victims have been powerfully conditioned to show feelings of love, cooperation, appeasement and admiration for their abusers. If they don’t, they will be punished severely, either physically, emotionally, psychologically, sexually, financially…or all of the above.
  • If victims depend solely on the abuser for sustenance (from food, shelter and clothing to human contact, affection, social interaction and validation), a ‘sick’ loop forms wherein victims are inordinately grateful for the tidbits tossed from the masters table.
  • This gratitude and ‘good behaviour’ result from time to time, but not always (just to keep us on our toes), in magnanimous gestures from our captors – maybe a whole day of relaxed conversation, free from verbal and psychological attacks; maybe some tender caresses and dove-eyed smiles instead of the habitual silent treatment and snake-eyed glares; perhaps even a leave-pass to see a friend. And so we walk on eggshells, trained like a terrified dog who, beaten brutally by his master, still wags his tail and follows that master faithfully wherever he goes.

Sad dog

Image courtesy of Patrisyu at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

To learn more about the origins of the term Stockholm Syndrome, visit this link:

Stockholm Syndrome: Counseling Resources

In a nutshell though, the trauma bond – often referred to as Stockholm Syndrome is the third and probably most powerful reason victims of abuse just CAN’T escape their bondage.

 

There are other reasons victims stay with their abusers for far too long that are a little easier to comprehend.

We’re plain scared! Having been punished beyond all proportion for our imagined misdeeds, we know full well the extent of the backlash we’ll receive if we do leave. Some of us have been threatened physically; others have had children threatened; for others it’s been the threat of a smear campaign that promises to destroy our futures.

So, reason number 4 is that we’re just plain terrified!

And because our abuser has almost certainly held the financial reins and likely either destroyed our careers by covert means or ‘persuaded’ us not to work for any number of selfish reasons … we’re broke! We have no money and nowhere to go. We’re likely sick and debilitated; left without the capacity or skills to regroup, find work and establish ourselves financially..

So, that’s another reason we stay. We’re broke! We have no capacity for work and nowhere safe to go. That’s reason number 5 in a nutshell.

This list is far from definitive but I hope it gives an insider glimpse into that baffling question – Why on earth would you stay with such a monster?

From the perspective of an abuse victim, the decision to stay seems like a logical one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Traumatic Memories & the Trauma Response

23 Sunday Jul 2017

Posted by in Abuse, Childhood wounds, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Counselling, Emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Narcissistic abuse, Neuroscience and abuse, Personal growth, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Recovery from abuse, Relationships, Retraumatizing, self love, spiritual growth, Triggering, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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silhouette of a man asking for help

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net/foto76

Memories can be wonderful … but not always. Sometimes they thrust themselves into consciousness without warning or invitation, knocking the air clean out of our lungs. Like a kick in the gut with steel-capped boots, an unwelcome memory can force us to your knees , gagging, or send us stumbling numbly in search of a dark, dark cupboard in which to hide … a cupboard that holds no Narnia on its other side, but only ghoulies and ghosties and long-legged beasties and things that go bump in the night.

Some time after the witching hour last night, a memory came to visit. I tried to grab it by the throat and force it back through the door of my dreams, but still it came … stealthy and relentless. And then came another … and yet another. Today I’m barely able to function.

Such is the reality of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, a response all too common to survivors of verbal, emotional and psychological abuse. I wish I could tell you how to make it stop. Psychologists will teach you cognitive behavioural techniques (CBT) – the mode of therapy that is currently flavour of the month. It aims to mediate your emotions by getting you to control your own thought processes and attitudes. What the ‘experts’ don’t seem to understand, or tell you, is that the deep-seated feelings of horror and terror that result from years of cruelty actually circumvent the normal neural pathways. And that lack of understanding comes very close to ‘victim blaming’; it unleashes a barrage of guilt and alienates us from much needed love and support.
During my own (long-ago, pre-illness) studies of psychology, I learned that it is, in fact, not possible for researchers to determine whether the physical responses associated with anxiety – the release of stress hormones, which lead to rapid heart rate and pulse, etc) – pre-empt the feeling of fear itself, or whether the fear triggers the physical response. It’s the physical processes that make us shake with fear or paralyze us; that make us feel sick and our palms sweat as the blood thuds and throbs through our heads, leaving us spent. Researchers still don’t know whether the chicken comes before the egg.

Truth is, memories or events that evoke a trauma response trigger automatic emotions first … and the thoughts then follow. From there we scramble to make cognitive sense of them while our fight or flight responses are on auto-pilot, ready to take off like a jump jet. Add in the fact that stress (in all its forms – anxiety, fear etc) shuts down our normal cognitive processes, making it impossible to think straight, and we have a wrecking ball massive enough to demolish the very fabric of our being.

Under these circumstances I believe it’s virtually impossible to be rational – although I baulk at fully embracing that concept with its implication that we just can’t help ourselves. There has to be some level of personal responsibility, certainly, but there needs to be an attitude of compassion, too. Compassion not only from others but also compassion for ourselves. Sometimes we need to cut ourselves some slack. That doesn’t mean allowing ourselves to be out of control; to rant and rave at others; to get drunk and drive fast in an attempt to get away from ourselves; or to engage in any other forms of destructive behaviour.

What it means is to understand that the feeling itself is okay.

We are NOT DEFECTIVE! We are injured and may always carry painful scars that adhere to our souls … wounds that are easily reopened. It is NOT OUR FAULT. We are who we are. Survivors.

shy girl

We need to accept ourselves with all our battle-scars even if no-one else does, and we need to nurture our own wounded inner child. Imagine how you might treat a little girl or boy who has been irrevocably damaged by some adult monster. What would you say to her? How would you soothe and reassure him? If you were harmed by an intimate partner and not by a parent, your inner child is still just as wounded. We all carry that vulnerable facet deep within us and it is this very precious, fragile part of our souls that our abusers hone in on in their attempts to destroy us.

Some of us turn to God and hand our brokenness to Him; the perfect parent; the ever-loving spouse who cherishes us in a way no human being ever can. He is the keeper of my soul and my only true solace when the demons of trauma return to torment me. He scoops me up and cradles me in His powerful yet gentle arms and kisses me like the wounded child I truly am.