Tag Archives: Relationships

Why does it take so long to get over a pathological partner?

20 Monday Oct 2014

Posted by in Abuse, Controlling People, Divorce, Emotional abuse, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Psychopathology, Relationship breakdown, Relationships, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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I’ve been fairly quiet online for a few weeks as I’m in the middle of very stressful legal proceedings. Attempting to sort out property settlement issues with a narcissist is a nightmare beyond your wildest imagination. Lies, manipulation, character assassination – check! Trying to fleece you of your entitlement – check! Blame and false accusations – too easy! I hope we’re now on the home strait so I can devolve myself of this cloying and still destructive relationship. The need to put it behind me is strong; in fact, so strong that I almost caved under the pressure to accept a very unfair settlement figure, just to rid my life (and soul) of the stress and uncertainty. However, that would be playing into his hands one final time – my curtain call as a doormat – and is, most assuredly, exactly what he wants.

I’ll keep you posted. From those of you who pray, I humbly ask for your prayers at this time. I keep many of you in my own prayers also as I read your blogs and contemplate the heartbreaking experiences you’ve been through, or are still going through. So many of you inspire and sustain me.

However, that’s not really what I started out to say today. As the title of this post suggests, it’s about why it takes so long to get over a pathological relationship. For me, it’s been a year since separation and I’m still caught in the web of lies, the vortex of confusion and the revisiting of self-doubt. I came across this excellent article on another site called Psychopath Free and wanted to share it with you all. The writer, who identifies as ‘Peace’ on the site forum, expresses the dynamics at play with clarity and compassion, and I found myself relating far too easily. To know that one is not alone, to experience that validation, is such an intrinsic part of our healing.

The article by ‘Peace’ follows: Continue reading →

Why abusers choose their targets.

03 Wednesday Sep 2014

Posted by in Abuse, Childhood wounds, Emotional abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Relationships, Verbal abuse

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Please note: I have referred to abusers as male and their targets as female, simply because it has been my subjective experience and I write from my phenomenological perspective. I would like to highlight the fact that abusers and their victims do not fit neatly into gender-based categories. Men are just as easily victims and women are just as easily perpetrators.

 

My ex-abuser asks himself the question of why he was attracted to two nutcases; two sick and twisted women. The first part of my answer is simple. I am, most assuredly, not a nutcase. That’s simply a facet of his delusion.

The second part of my answer is more complicated. Yes, I am a wounded spirit. I have yet to meet a human being, over the age of forty, who doesn’t fit this definition. Life batters us, we get up and keep moving forward; we make a fist of it, and succeed in varying degrees. But we are all wounded.

It’s true I was wounded in a particular way, which abusers seem to zoom in on. They detect victims of childhood abuse with a radar-sense a bent-wing bat would be proud of. But why? And here’s his answer. Because we’re easy targets for further abuse. Let’s read that again…’because we’re easy targets for further abuse.’ Continue reading →

Why Couples’ Counseling Doesn’t Work

23 Wednesday Jul 2014

Posted by in Abuse, Emotional abuse, Psychological abuse, Relationships, Verbal abuse

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Couple arguing

Courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net/
David Castillo Dominici

This is an important post. Reading it might just save you a lot of time, angst and frankly, money; money spent on well-meaning and often highly-qualified counselors and psychologists.

If you’re lucky, you’ll have managed to convince your abusive significant other to accompany you to couples’ counseling, though his reason for agreeing will invariably be to ‘help you overcome your issues’. He remains spotless, and by agreeing to ‘help’ you, puts himself once again in the saddle as the knight on white charger, all-round-good-guy, long-suffering, well-calibrated member of the spousal unit. And by now, you probably believe him.

So, off you go to your first counseling session, with high expectations of your partner finally understanding the depth of pain and anguish he’s been causing you, and with hopes of reconciling your relationship in a spirit of co-operation, collaboration and mutual love. That, after all, is what couples’ counseling is all about. Continue reading →

The hardest word

12 Saturday Jul 2014

Posted by in Uncategorized

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Too afraid to say no.

Too afraid to say ‘no’. Image courtesy of Andy Newson/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

According to Elton John, ‘sorry seems to be the hardest word’. But for some of us, sorry is consummately easy to say and to feel. We’re often not even to blame, yet others seek to lay the blame squarely and unfairly on our shoulders to avoid admitting their own culpability. We’ve been trained to say sorry with the precision of an army drill by people whose methods make a drill sergeant look tame. ‘Sorry’ is easy. ‘No’ is virtually impossible.

Why? Because we’ve also been trained that to say ‘no’ is to have punishment after punishment heaped upon us by those who have chosen us as targets for their abuse. Right from the beginning of my marriage it was made clear that my differences were not to be tolerated, my preferences not to be listened to, and if I attempted to exert my right to have equal input into family decisions or the running of the household, I would be accused of trying to make their lives a misery; of holding standards that were too difficult to attain; and of actively wanting to harm them. The last accusation was a clear case of projection – an abuser will always try to convince you you’re the controller; that you are in fact, the abusive one. Continue reading →

Abuse and Post Traumatic Stress

07 Monday Jul 2014

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From FreeDigitalPhotos.net/ Idea Go

From FreeDigitalPhotos.net/
Idea Go

Post Traumatic Stress is far from an unusual experience for those of us who have been through significant and protracted abuse. It seems to matter little whether the abuse was physical, or emotional/psychological, or a mixture of both. Psychic trauma is every bit as devastating as physical trauma, and for those who have experienced both, the effects of the former often outlast and outweigh the effects of the latter. Recovery is laborious when you’ve been at war with a phantom; a poltergeist that wrecked your world while no one else watched. Yet there is scant recognition of this very real phenomenon experienced by targets of verbal and emotional abuse, even among psychologists and counselors with years of experience under their belts.

Let’s take a brief look at Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which can develop following any traumatic event or series of events that threatens your safety or makes you feel helpless. If these events are unpredictable and not under your control, as happens when you live with an abuser, you will also experience the loss of hope. It may take months or years to develop into full-blown PTSD, particularly if the abuse is covert, ie not physical, and escalates over time. (And abuse always get worse over time.) Continue reading →

Crazy-Making Behaviour: Part One

15 Thursday May 2014

Posted by in Abuse, Relationships

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Help on the sand

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net /Simon Howden

Therapist and author, Patricia Evans, claims she has spoken to thousands of victims of domestic violence and that ‘battered women have always told me that the verbal abuse was the worst.’ (From her website www.verbalabuse.com) She goes on to say that for those who have experienced “worse than battering,” it will take time to recover.’

I am now free from a relationship in which I was cruelly verbally abused while having the expression of my opinions, feelings, attitudes and values tightly controlled through various forms of manipulation, all involving fear. Consummate verbal abusers are invariably hell-bent on controlling their targets. They will also tell you that you, the target, are the abuser. Most of us engage in the occasional behaviour or speech that can be considered ugly, but it’s not abuse unless it’s a pattern that’s fairly well-entrenched. You may also be driven ‘crazy’ by the abuse itself and retaliate from your own pain. There’s a difference between that kind of reactive, defensive behaviour and true emotional and psychological abuse. While you’re deep inside those restrictive psychological walls, it will be hard to tell the difference, but rest assured your abuser will consistently maintain his innocence while pointing the finger of blame directly at you. This, in itself, is a clue to unravelling the puzzle.

It’s all about control. abusers engage in crazy-making behaviour to keep you in a state of confusion about your own reality. If you doubt yourself and your own sanity, you’ll look to him to define reality instead. That’s when he’s got you right where he wants you.

 Recommended: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program:

Melanie Tonia Evans

Continue reading →