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Killing Me Softly: Emotional & Psychological Abuse

~ Now that physical abuse is in the limelight and punishable by law, abusers have resorted to more insidious forms of control. The effects are just as destructive, more enduring, and more difficult to overcome.

Category Archives: Relationships

Feeding misogyny: what it means to be naked

07 Monday Nov 2016

Posted by Melinda Jensen in counseling, Feminism, Feminist debate, Gender equality, Gender inequality, History, mysoginy, Oppression of women, Pornography, Psychology, Relationships, spiritual growth, Uncategorized

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Abuse, blog, Counseling, Domestic Violence, Gender equality, Gender inequality, History, mysoginy, Oppression of women, Personal Development, Pornography, Psychology, Rape, Relationships, Writing

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Original artwork by Melinda Jensen

For the past few days I’ve procrastinated about bringing up a controversial and volatile subject; but that ‘still, small voice’ is so insistent, I’ve decided to wade right on in. Past experience assures me that the topic – ‘nakedness’, or ‘nudity’, in all its nuances – raises strong opinions and heated debate on both sides.

There is a certain niche culture that embraces and even worships the human body at its most exposed; artists and sculptors endlessly depict it, actors wantonly portray it and photographers of a certain ilk are somewhat lecherously obsessed with it. Other sections of society are more coy, though coyness is fast disappearing in a world that rewards image over substance, superficiality over depth. Where ordinary mortals may once have been relatively protected from exposure to mass human nudity, needing to actively seek it out in order to experience it outside their own mirrors and bedrooms, today’s similarly ordinary mortals are subjected to nakedness any number of times in a day, without their consent. Why? What does it mean? And how do we cope with the onslaught?

Let’s take a look at what history teaches about the implication of nudity as it is used to express societal attitudes. There is little dispute that in the beginning of time, when humanity was just emerging, the issue was merely a practical one. Clothes were fashioned and adopted according to the dictates of climate, habitat and mode of living. As humankind’s thought processes became more advanced however, what was once merely a practical consideration began to take on a host of possible meanings, bringing with it an even larger host of emotional responses.

Greek and Roman gods were often depicted naked, with a couple of theories being put forward as explanation. Some sources indicate that in day to day existence, ancient Greek and Roman citizens wore long, flowing robes and even in the public baths, where people disrobed freely, the sexes were generally segregated. Other sources insist that communal bathing, with the genders mixed, was not uncommon and that Greek citizens frequently dropped their robes to work naked in the fields, to dance, and of course, to exercise.

According to the first theory, there existed a widespread cultural attitude of respect for the human body, and Greek philosophy held that health of both mind and body were of paramount importance to spiritual and psychological maturity. The display of the body was considered a sign of health and strength of character, and did not elicit responses of lust and ribaldry. It is thought that in the depiction of gods in particular, nudity was used to indicate that a hero or god had passed beyond the need for such protection as clothes offered.  And while it is true that Olympic athletes originally performed naked, historians believe this was both to prevent cheating and to allow them to move more freely, since the clothing of the day was restrictive and cumbersome. It is also noteworthy that women were not allowed to participate, and married women were not even allowed to attend. At a separate festival, celebrating the goddess Hera, young women were permitted to participate in foot races but were covered in loose tunics that fell to their knees.

Nudity was reserved then, almost exclusively for men, as evidenced by a number of surviving sculptures. And the prevailing attitude towards that nudity was one of respect for the health, strength and spiritual achievements of those depicted.

What seems indisputable is that during that particular period in history, a state of undress denoted a certain respect for a being’s divinity or accomplishments.

Yet…such are the vagueries of history…that other sources insists the Greeks were, in fact, vain creatures who succumbed to the lures of the flesh from very early on. This contradictory view argues that the rampant displays of nudity were fueled by vanity and hedonism, and that the Olympic games, right from the get-go, were characterized by orgies, dope-taking, prostitution and blood-lust.

How can we make sense of such blatant contradictions? For the purposes of my post, either scenario can be used to argue against the acceptability of today’s pornographic images, which center almost entirely on the female form (gay porn aside).

Considering the first scenario – can it be said that today, women are being displayed naked as a symbol of their strength, health, power and spiritual achievement? The answer must be a resounding no. They are there for the viewing pleasure and titillation of, in fact for the arousal of, lust in men. (Mostly! Yes, I hear those of you who are protesting that there’s a growing culture of women who use porn for the same reason.)

Considering the second scenario – that historical nudity was linked to hedonism, orgiastic behaviour, drugs, prostitution and blood-lust – what does that tell us about today’s culture of porn, including the so-called ‘soft-porn’, whereby fashion magazines, movies, television and even newspapers feature partially naked or even fully-naked women? It clearly tells us that a woman’s nudity is used for ribald and lustful purposes, certainly not to empower or engender respect.

Think of the image of Miley Cyrus on her wrecking ball.  I hardly think it conjures up respect, nor a reverence for her spiritual (or other) attainments. It conjures instead mirth, derision or lust, and frequently all three.

So how has the panorama evolved since the days of myth and legend? Firstly, to state the obvious, today’s nudity is overwhelmingly female. The one constant is that these ‘objects’ of lust have been almost exclusively used for the pleasure of the masculine of the species.

What else? We’ve all heard that the only constant in life is change, and history bears this out. As the centuries rolled by, along with changes catalyzed by ever-expanding exploration, discovery, industrial and scientific inroads and social change, so too has the context and connotation of ‘nakedness’ changed. There have been epic landmarks to note these changes.

No human condition more clearly depicts gross inequality and injustice than that of slavery. A slave has no worth above that of his monetary value, a value set by his potential owners in the same way it would be set for pigs or cattle or even farm produce. He is valued only for his perceived capacity for hard labour and obedience. He is beaten and abused because his life has no value and he is assigned no dignity or inherent worth. A slave is an object of degradation. At the moment he is sold into slavery he is stripped of his humanity at the same time as he is stripped of his clothes and paraded naked for the inspection of his masters. Not allowed to so much as look upon the face of a white woman without risking punishment, even death, he is himself (and herself) able to be intimately scrutinized in all his naked vulnerability. The message is clear. To be naked correlates with inferiority, dis-empowerment, humiliation and being at the mercy of a ruling class.

From the Christian scriptures we learn that Jesus was stripped naked, flogged and tortured, then hung on a cross to die a brutal death – classed as a low-life criminal. He died, bare and exposed to his detractors, laughed at and ridiculed as they shredded his robes – the ultimate humiliation. His nakedness too, marked him as inferior, dis-empowered, and at the mercy of a ruling class.

Where does this leave the argument of modern day feminists who forcefully insist on their right to parade naked and semi-naked, enter prostitution, pose for porn magazines and movies, claiming it is empowering for them to do with their bodies whatever they please?

Frankly, they’re on shaky ground. Clambering to appropriate some prized position as if it truly were an indication of equality and empowerment. Playing right into the industry’s hands … and dare I say it, right into the hands of the dominant culture; a privileged white male culture, who once again, achieve exactly what they want. That is, an endless supply of objects for their amusement, titillation, and (as I have shown above), objects of humiliation and inferiority who have been successfully brainwashed into believing they are joining a ruling class, when in fact, they are simply still being ruled by it. In a different manner to which women have been dominated throughout the centuries, yes. But dominated all the same, through manipulation of their psyches.

Much research points to the likelihood of pornography inciting violence against women, and when we view the historical context of nudity, and perceive it as the tool it has been – one used to dominate, humiliate, denigrate and dis-empower – it isn’t difficult to fathom its role in today’s escalating culture of violence against the feminine.

The subtleties of the game have changed. But the game itself has not.

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Passive Aggressive Abuse – The Silent Treatment

19 Friday Aug 2016

Posted by Melinda Jensen in Abuse, Blog about abuse, Controlling People, counseling, Emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Passive-aggressive abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Relationship advice, Relationships, The Silent Treatment, Uncategorized

≈ 14 Comments

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(Image courtesy of Ambro at FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

There is no more effective way to let someone know how little you mean to them than to use your silence. If you want to cut someone to the quick, simply don’t respond when they implore you for understanding or explanation. Walk away from their tears. Turn your back on their pain. Or better still, pretend to listen and respond appropriately, then disappear out of someone’s life, either permanently or temporarily.

Make no mistake about it, neglect and the silent treatment are highly effective and particularly cruel forms of emotional abuse. Trying to pinpoint why you feel so utterly crushed when someone treats you this way is like chasing phantoms in the dark – you’re not really sure what you’re looking for or why it hurts so much. On the surface, you’re reacting to ‘nothing’. The person hasn’t yelled at you, called you names, belittled you or intimidated you in any tangible way. If you complain about their treatment, it will be turned back on you.‘What do you mean? I haven’t done anything! You’re the one with the problem.’ Or you will simply be treated to more silence.

And it’s easy to convince you that you are, in fact, the one to blame. Trust me, you’re not.

So what constitutes the Silent Treatment?

  1. Not responding to your reasonable emotional needs.

  2. Walking away from you when you try to address an issue.

  3. Saying yes, but doing the opposite.

  4. Ignoring phone calls and text messages.

  5. Often accompanied by tears and reproachful looks or …

  6. alternatively, intimidating you with an angry glare.

  7. And, of course, simply not speaking to you, especially when you make it clear that you really need to dialogue.

 

The method a perpetrator employs depends on his or her unique personality and behaviour pattern. In the ‘good old days’, men would bury their heads in a newspaper while their wives tried everything they could to get some interaction. These days, people bury themselves in their work or engross themselves in computer games (therefore living a virtual reality while avoiding their true reality). Some hide themselves in a bottle of whiskey. Others busy themselves with friends and other activities. The one thing they all have in common is that their coping mechanism is avoidance. Avoidance of you, the person they supposedly love; avoidance of conflict; avoidance of the issues they have; and most of all, avoidance of who they really are. It’s easier to avoid you than to face whatever demons lurk within their souls. It’s easier to slay a virtual dragon than to fight the good fight in the real world.

If you’re confused about whether or not to be angry when you’re on the receiving end of this form of passive aggression … because, as I’ve already mentioned, you haven’t copped any overt abuse … remember this:

 

A decision to not take action is still a decision … and still an action.

The choice to not act is still a choice … and still an action.

Not taking action when action is required is still a conscious act.

 

The silent treatment is the dagger used by cowards.

 

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Nurturing souls and their abusers

14 Sunday Aug 2016

Posted by Melinda Jensen in Abuse, Abuse victims, Counselling, Emotional abuse, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Psychopathology, Relationships, spiritual growth, Spirituality, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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I’m reblogging this beautifully and succinctly written piece from ‘Sanctuary for the Abused’. It speaks directly to the heart of the matter. Note: The genders are interchangeable.

A Nurturing Soul Does Not Compute with a Sociopath

Angel imprisoned Pictures, Images and Photos

Many are often shocked to find an otherwise healthy and strong woman in an abusive situation and wonder why and how this happens.

This women is a nurturer. She has nurtured her own soul, conquered herself to find joy in the world.

She meets a man who seems to be so close to winning. He’s almost conquered himself. She finds great pleasure and joy in watching and taking part in the nurturing of other’s souls. She sees how beautiful he is. She wants him to win his inner battles. She wants to be a part of this great battle.

She sees his behavior change from kind and loving, to mean and cruel, and believes she is watching an inner battle of self being waged. She wants him to win the good fight. She sees the worth of his soul, and feels the battle is worth the wages.

This loving, nurturing woman joins the man in his own personal battle as a loving friend and wife.

But she doesn’t understand his swift mood changes from kind to cruel, are not representative of an internal battle over self, but merely manipulative behaviors, designed to gain power over others.

He is not battling over self control, but dominating the souls and hearts of others.

In the end, she finds herself in a painful powerless position having lost herself serving him, loving him, sacrificing for him, in the illusion he will be moved by her love to win.

But their is no battle within him. His heart is not moved. There is no battle to be won. She will lose everything in a quest that never was.

And the devil will rejoice in the crumbling of another soul, that was once previously strong.

Her whole life, her great quest to save her husband, is nothing but a lie.

by Natalie Fleming

SOURCE

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Unleash the Flying Monkeys!

07 Monday Mar 2016

Posted by Melinda Jensen in Abuse, Abuse victims, Childhood wounds, Controlling People, counseling, Emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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Abuse, abusive relationships, Counseling, crazy-making behaviour, Emotional Abuse, Emotional and Psychological Abuse, narcissistic abuse, Psychological Abuse, Psychology, Relationship abuse, Relationships, Verbal Abuse

So what on earth is a flying monkey?

image of flying monkey

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net/

saphatthachat

The term ‘flying monkeys’ is derived from that all-time movie classic, ‘The Wizard of Oz’, in which the wicked witch of the west sends out her nasty little troupe of flying monkeys to inflict torment on Dorothy and her trusty trio.

In popular psychology it is used to describe the people an abuser enlists to back her up, join in with blaming the victim, name-calling, put-downs, the silent treatment and other crazy-making behaviour. Once groomed and recruited, flying monkeys invariably perceive the narcissistic abuser as the innocent party and are outraged at what they believe the real victim has done. They have it ass backwards.

Why it works so well

Narcissists carefully construct a false public image while projecting their real self, with all its ugly traits, onto their chosen target. Because an abuser never attacks in public, people find it extremely difficult to believe she’s anything but the lovely, caring person she pretends to be when she has an audience. Frankly, it’s disturbing to witness how fast she can switch from raging virago to Mrs Happy-Go-Lucky in less than a heartbeat. If you’re unlucky enough to be in a relationship with someone like this, you’ve already seen how fast she can go from sweet to psycho in private. Trust me when I say she is equally able to switch back the other way should a witness come close to walking in on one of her rages.

The narcissist chooses her flying monkeys carefully. She’ll only enlist those she knows will take her side and carry out her bidding, whether she has expressly told them what she wants them to do or whether the process is achieved in more subtle ways. Sadly, the most vulnerable potential monkeys are the abusers own children or other family members and, of course, her best friends. It’s likely they’ll even mimic her behaviour as a matter of course, since she has already portrayed you (consistently) to the be the crazy one, the one at fault, the one who deserves to wear all the guilt and shame. Because they’ve rarely, if ever, been privy to her craziness, they simply accept her version of the truth and go after you with all the self-righteous indignance they can muster, adding a lot of heated fuel to her attack  on you.

As the more responsible parent (or sibling, or child), you have most likely consciously avoided embroiling your children (or siblings or other family members) in your spousal troubles, trying to protect them from the ugly reality that you face on a daily basis. You have been set up like a row of bowling pins. If the first bowler doesn’t knock you out, subsequent bowlers – the flying monkeys – will. The group attack was carefully planned by your abuser.

It’s imperative to trust your own reality – to know who you are, how you operate, and what your values are. An onslaught from your abuser and her hoard of flying monkeys is akin to all-out psychological warfare, and will leave you with all the post-traumatic stress that accompanies battle.

 

 

 

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Retraumatization – what happens when you’re triggered.

02 Tuesday Feb 2016

Posted by Melinda Jensen in Abuse victims, Counselling, Emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from emotional abuse, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Psycopathology, Rape, Recovery from abuse, Relationships, Retraumatizing, Triggering, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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The greatest gift you are ever going to give someone – the permission to feel safe in their own skin. To feel worthy. To feel like they are enough.

Hannah Brencher

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.com/Chrisroll

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.com/Chrisroll

Of the hundreds of people with whom I’ve interacted via this blog and on facebook, not one who has been on the receiving end of relentless emotional abuse feels ‘safe’ – not in their own skin, not in the company of others nor in contact with their outer or inner worlds.

I have been there. Sometimes I still am. One word, one look, one innuendo can jettison me back through time so fast that I become that child, that spouse; you know, the one who will never be good enough, all over again. In less than a heartbeat I am metaphorically tossed onto the cold hard tiles I was once brutally thrown on in a physical sense. The emotional pain though, runs deeper, right to the arteries, until I feel I’ll surely bleed to death without the slightest scratch to evidence my injury. I find myself fighting the urge to curl into the tiniest, tiniest ball – like some deformed foetus – and crawl into the farthest corner of the darkest cupboard – until the end of time. It is an agony to just ‘be’.

When I am ‘triggered’ like this, I am fighting the urge to ‘not be’ … that is, to not exist. I want desperately to flee to the arms of the Great I Am. There is no solace on this earth. But I stay. I breathe through it. I think of my children and my grandchildren … and I resist the compulsion to run into the night and take the path to the cliff edge a short walk from here. Once there, I know I would fall … because I would want to fall.

This woundedness is something I will probably never completely recover from. Such things are embedded too deep in the psyche and surrounded by a dense network of pain, and nightmarish fears that have been reinforced over and over again.

A  Jungian psychologist would refer to this phenomenon, I believe, as a complex. The existence of complexes is almost universally agreed upon in the field of depth psychology. The underlying assumption is that the most important influences on your personality are deep in the unconscious (Dewey, 2007). Because they are buried so deep they are often unavailable to our consciousness, making mediation of the intense emotions evoked by activation of a complex extraordinarily difficult. Many psychologists hold that, indeed, complexes are impossible to cure and can, at best, be managed.

Unlike the other aspects of consciousness, complexes are peculiarly autonomous. They either force themselves on our awareness, breaking through the inhibitory processes of consciousness, or will hide from us, refusing to be brought to awareness at will. They can be both obsessive and possessive. When they break through, believe me, they are in charge of you. That makes them both scary and destructive.

So there I was … recently. Triggered. Wanting to die. Wanting to disappear. And having no idea how to handle the situation.

This story has a happy ending, however … and I believe such happy endings are rare. There is one ingredient … one unique and rare ingredient … that brings about healing. I have found it. I have been gifted with it. My next post will elaborate. Love and light to all who read this.

 

 

 

 

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Do Emotional Abusers Know What They’re Doing?

09 Saturday Jan 2016

Posted by Melinda Jensen in Abuse, Abuse victims, Controlling People, Counselling, Divorce, Emotional abuse, healing from emotional abuse, Love, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Psychopathology, Recovery from abuse, Relationship abuse, Relationship breakdown, Relationships, Tough love, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

≈ 8 Comments

 

Vampire girl

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

The short answer is, it depends. A true narcissistic personality is utterly conscious of the ways in which they are manipulating and hurting you. And they simply don’t care. More than that, it gives them pleasure, a sense of superiority and control. It is a big part of their psychopathology. Other abusers, who don’t score highly enough on narcissistic traits to be labelled with full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder, may simply be repeating patterns they learned in childhood and in subsequent relationships. I say ‘simply’, but the process via which it happens is far from simple, nor is it simple to unravel and to heal.

Mostly though, people don’t fit neatly into two separate categories – pathological abuser and ‘ordinary’ abuser, for instance. Personality traits aren’t ‘either/or’, but exist on a bipolar continuum, meaning they range from mild to severe, depending on the person, and also on the circumstances or environment in which that person acts. So…looking again at whether or not abusers do what they do purposefully…I can’t make that assessment for you, but may be able to help you fathom the answer as it relates to your personal situation.

On blogs and discussion groups you’ll find professionals and lay-people alike debating this question and coming out in favour of one side or the other. So how do you tell the difference?

  1. Look for the lies

If your partner consistently lies, chances are they are fully aware of what they’re doing. There is one school of thought that suggests narcissistic personalities are so adept at deceiving themselves, they actually believe their own lies. I have rarely witnessed this to be the case. There’s a reliable way of finding out, however.

If you catch them in a lie, bring it to their attention in a non-accusatory way. Simply state the truth and that you are aware you’ve been lied to. Then wait for the reaction.

The abuser who is aware she is lying will immediately go for the jugular – yours! It will be swift and brutal. (If you don’t keep your wits about you, you’ll be the one who ends up apologizing.) The response you get will likely have absolutely nothing to do with the point you’ve just made but will be something pulled out of thin air to deflect from their own guilt. They will, instead, hark back to the past and throw some perceived, and entirely irrelevant misdemeanor of yours in your face. And because you care about how they feel, you will likely take the bait. It’s a trip to hell.

2. Their body language and facial expression will reveal the truth.

Image from Springbrook - showing an ancient beech tree with twisted roots.

The cold, soulless eyes tell you all you need to know

There’s a phenomenon I have come across countless times during my discussions with targets of emotional abuse. There is something soulless about the eyes and expression of an abuser who clearly has sadistic tendencies. Their eyes will go black. Their facial expressions will be incredibly cold. There is something ‘frozen’ and reptilian about the face that looks back at you. You’ll feel chilled to the bone and very frightened, even if he/she has never laid a hand on you. Trust this instinct.

 

3. Your tears and genuine emotional pain will not move them.

This hardly needs explanation. If you find yourself genuinely in pain and trying to reason with your abuser, tears in your eyes, your heart breaking … and it fails to move them … they are very aware of what they’re doing. In the words of my own abuser, ‘I knew what I was saying and doing was wrong, and it wasn’t true … but I just wanted to stick it to you.’ He felt that was a perfectly reasonable explanation. I’ll go out on a limb here and disagree with numerous ‘experts’, many of whom have never experienced this first hand, and say it’s utterly inappropriate to excuse these people on the grounds that the poor things don’t have the capacity for empathy. Oh dear, isn’t it sad? They don’t have the capacity for intimacy. They’ll never really experience real love. While that may be true, abusers in this category don’t value things like intimacy – so they aren’t suffering at all. You are. And they don’t give a hoot.

 

The Bottom Line

Does it really matter if they’re aware of their effect on you, or not? You can’t change them. In fact, from the point of view of ‘tough love’, leaving them to it may give them the only chance they have of facing their demons and becoming better people. It’s not your job. Not your circus. Not your monkeys. The harder you try, the more you will fail. Narcissists already think you are in their lives for one reason only, and that is to make them the centre of your universe. The harder you try, the more you are feeding them what they want – the popular terminology for what you are to them is ‘narcissistic supply’. You are being sucked dry by an emotional vampire and therapists and researchers agree that the chances of positive change are very, very small.

Do you want to waste years of your life hoping for the unattainable?

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An abuser hides his true ‘self’.

04 Saturday Jul 2015

Posted by Melinda Jensen in Abuse, Controlling People, Counselling, Emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Narcissistic abuse, Personal growth, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Psychopathology, Recovery from abuse, Relationship abuse, Relationships, Verbal abuse

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

Counseling, Domestic Violence, narcissistic abuse, Psychological Abuse, Psychopathology, Recovery from abuse, Relationship abuse, Relationship Counseling, Relationship Problems, Relationships, Verbal Abuse

Disclaimer: I have used the masculine gender to describe an abuser in the title of this post for ease of writing. Throughout this post I have referred to both sexes by using the plural personal pronouns, ‘they’ ‘them’ or ‘their’ in recognition of the reality that women are also capable of abusing their loved ones.

One of the most common questions I hear is, ‘How can someone hide an abusive personality?

An abuser's mask

“-1360 Schreiberfigur anagoria” by Anagoria – Own work. Licensed under CC BY 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons.personality?’ In other words, how do we not see it coming? If these people are truly as ugly and cruel as we describe, why wasn’t that obvious from the beginning?

The truth is, abusers are highly skilled at hiding their pathological personalities. If they weren’t, they’d never secure employment, gain friends or even negotiate the grocery store without risking a punch up. Normal people would never put up with an abuser’s ‘real self’.

Psychologists use the terms ‘real self’ and ‘ideal self’ when discussing the development of personality. The real self is easy to understand – it is comprised of our actual, manifest personality traits as well as all the aspects that make up our character. The ideal self is that to which we aspire. It’s our inner concept of who we really want to be; what we want to become as we mature. If the real self is too far removed from the ideal self, we experience discomfort within our psyches. We become disappointed in who we are, and how we behave towards others and the environment. If the gap between the real self and the ideal self is too wide, it can result in significant psychopathology.

Most of us are aware when we’re not being honest with ourselves, and subsequently take action to address the imbalance. For those with high levels of narcissistic traits however, the ego is too fragile to accept the disappointing image in the mirror, so they turn away from it in order to create a false self to present to the world. In turning away from their inner reality, they deny its’ existence. In brief, they detest what they see; don’t have the courage to face and overcome it; and so construct a false self that is not only different from their real self, but also extreme in its virtue, cleverness, and sense of importance. They overcompensate for self-hate by constructing this superior facade. The mask they wear is painted with virtues like understanding, compassion, intelligence, responsibility, reliability, humour, kindness and worldly achievements. They often (though not always) walk among us as the pillars of society and our most socially responsible high achievers. Frequently, they are known as generous, benevolent souls outside their intimate circle.

When we meet them, they come highly recommended. Their bosses, coworkers and friends sing their praises. What we don’t know is that they are mentally scanning the room for their latest target, desperate for a source of narcissistic supply. After all, they can’t feel good about themselves until they can make someone else look and feel bad. That someone needs to be empathetic, compassionate, responsible and reliable – all the traits the abuser lacks. Abusers resent their victims, who are everything the abuser wants to be. That resentment quickly escalates to intense hatred.

Man flirting with woman

Image courtesy of photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

In the beginning, however, to hook the perfect target abusers need to be extremely careful not to let their masks slip. With an uncanny ‘nose’ for sniffing out potential sources of narcissistic supply, they can smell vulnerability the way a bloodhound tracks a scent. Through years of practice, they’ve become experts at discovering what makes you tick, what your hopes and dreams are, what you love and what you hate – the essence of who you are. They then have all the ammunition they need to hunt you down.

Where would you most like to travel to?’ ‘Really, the Netherlands? I can’t believe it – the Netherlands is next on my bucket list!

In this respect, abusers are chameleons. If you’re the unwitting victim, all you know is that suddenly you have met the one person in the world who understands you completely, who shares your hopes and dreams, and is aligned with your values. You can’t know that this person who is pursuing you so ardently is simply pretending to mirror your innermost thoughts, support your passions, love the same things you do and envision exactly the same ‘perfect’ future together. We don’t know we’ve been studied for a specific purpose and that our beloved is an expert at what he does. Dr Jekyll doesn’t have to think about becoming Mr Hyde. It happens as naturally as breathing.

During the wooing phase you’ll be ‘love-bombed’. That is, you’ll be pursued so passionately that before you know it, you’re addicted to this ‘love’. This phase is achieved by using the basic psychological principles of conditioning. You are relentlessly ‘rewarded’ at a rate that is not ‘normal’ in a normal population; and this creates an addictive emotional response within you. I will explain this process further in a subsequent post. For now, suffice to say that, once you’re successfully ‘addicted’ to abusers, then…and only then…will they drop their guard and reveal their real selves.

And you are in deep, deep water.

For an excellent and in-depth explanation of the complicated dynamics of abusive relationships, I highly recommend three books by Patrica Evans. I keep these books on my kindle and refer to them regularly. They have been extremely instrumental in my understanding and overcoming the effects of abuse. The book by Lundy Bancroft is often quoted as an extremely useful resource on numerous blogs on the topic of abuse. Click the images to take you to the Amazon store.

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The Legal System Enables Abusers and punishes Abuse Victims

15 Friday May 2015

Posted by Melinda Jensen in Abuse, Abuse and legal issues, Abuse victims, Divorce, Divorce and property settlement, Emotional abuse, Injustice, Justice system and abuse, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Psychopathology, Relationships, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

≈ 9 Comments

Image of hammer and gavel

Courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net/cooldesign

You’d think the world would ‘get’ the message about victim bashing by now, wouldn’t you? But let me assure you…it does not. If you believe you’ll be able to stand tall in a court of law, tell the truth and be both vindicated and compensated because you have suffered what amounts to psychological torture, I must persuade you to think again.

Our justice system is not set up to pursue justice or truth. It is set up to reward those with the most resources, those who have no scruples, those who already believe they’re entitled to everything they want; those who assume their own superiority. In other words, the justice system is tailor-made for stroking the egos of abusers, falling for their lies, and handing their on a platter, the outcome they fully believes is their due.

Even worse is the fact that the legal system is also set up to punish those who

Image of a woman as a target.

Image courtesy of Salvatore Vuono at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

have the least resources; those who speak the truth and nothing but the truth, so help them God; those who assume every human being has equal value and the right to fair play. These, the victims, are putty in the hands of ruthless legal eagles, just as they were putty in the hands of their tormentors.

Believe me, I have walked the walk. There is  nothing pretty on that particular catwalk. Prepare to leave your dignity at the courtroom door, to suffer more humiliation as you hear lies and accusations leveled at you with such overwhelming confidence you can’t think straight – just as you couldn’t think straight during all those crazy-making conversations with your accuser; manipulated into believing you are both ‘bad’ and ‘mad’ by relentless gaslighting. (For an explanation of gaslighting, see my post on crazy-making behaviour here.)

The legal profession has a very high percentage of psychopathology among its ranks, far higher than in the normal population. They like nothing better than to band together with fellow ego-maniacs with the aim of screwing the little people. In court-cases in which abusers are involved, the victim is always ‘the little people’. Insignificant. Just listen to your abuser expound about all those years he worked towards putting his ‘wealth’ together and how you, his victim, are a money-grubbing gold digger who is mentally unhinged.

Abusers won’t bat an eye at the idea of lying under oath or signing their names to an affidavit that tears you, once-beloved, to utter shreds. You will be astounded at the number of lies that can be fitted on one page and at the manipulative spin put on every ‘story’ told. After all, it’s a divorce or property settlement case. Abusers can say whatever they want. No one is prosecuted for perjury under the family law act. It’s a free-for-all and your ex-partner will take full advantage of it; there are no external restraints on behaviour and abusers see no need to restrain themselves.

The only thing abusers can’t bear is being exposed for who they really are. Remove that possibility and place them in a courtroom where they are prepared to say and do anything to get what they want (to decimate you publicly and ensure you get nothing), fueled by their financial advantage and the status they’ve fabricated for the benefit of wooing the legal team, and you stand no chance.

I heard accusations from the registrar that had me reeling and it was only in retrospect that I was able to comprehend what had happened. My nemesis had spun such a convincing story of sacrificial martyrdom with a ‘hard few years’ behind him, who’d tried to give me everything I ever wanted only to be repaid by my ‘insanity’, using every trick of emotional blackmail in his repertoire. He said he was still devastated by the death of his first wife. For four years I had heard him say nothing but derogatory and defamatory things about her. She was psycho, he told me – a nutjob; crazy; frankly mad; controlling; without empathy; manipulative and a drug addict. He would sneer and snarl with every word. When I saw his head in his hands, his shoulders slumped, convincing the registrar of his sincerity by using his first wife’s suicide to garner sympathy, I knew I was beaten. The best I could do was exit with dignity.

My lawyer assured me I had the moral victory and that my ex-husband would always resent me for it.

Cold comfort. Cold, cold comfort as I sit here with my future in tatters.

Image of a woman's hands in chains

Image courtesy of worradmu at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

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Help for abuse victims

12 Sunday Apr 2015

Posted by Melinda Jensen in Abuse, Emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Recovery from abuse, Relationship breakdown, Relationships, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

Abuse, abusive relationships, Emotional Abuse, Emotional and Psychological Abuse, Emotional and verbal abuse, healing from abuse, help for abuse victims, narcissistic abuse, Psychological Abuse, Recovery from abuse, Relationships

Depressed and stressed woman

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net/artur84

Abuse victims share a myriad experiences. One of the most insidious is isolation – from friends, family, interest groups, churches and sometimes, even from social media. Nothing is surer than that your abusive partner has alienated you emotionally from himself, the only person left to lean on. Abuse victims who have nowhere to turn for help are at high risk for substance abuse (to dull the pain), severe depression and other mental illnesses – even the ultimate escape – suicide.

Abuse, whether physical, psychological, emotional or verbal, invariably shatters your self-belief. You no longer trust your own thoughts, feelings and perceptions. This completes the feeling of desolation. You believe no one cares, and if they did, what could they do? If you’re reading this and silently asking, ‘Is there help for abuse victims? Is there help for me?‘ – I want to assure you, you are not alone. There are people who care deeply.

 

ABUSE RECOVERY PROGRAMS:

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program by Melanie Tonia Evans

The internet is awash with information, support and resources from fellow sufferers, as well as from experts in the field. I’ve mentioned Melanie Tonia Evans’ abuse recovery program in previous posts and it remains, in my mind, one of the most powerful resources for healing from narcissistic abuse. The author has personally experienced abuse at the hands of ex partners and is now, as a therapist herself, a recognized expert in the field. She examines the dynamics of abuse from a holistic perspective, looking at every aspect of your being; physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. The added spiritual dimension sets her work apart  and is the reason I latched onto her website like a life-raft. Her program takes considerable emotional work, and may cause you some pain, but it’s the path to freedom. You can find her Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program here.

Melanie maintains that abusers share narcissistic traits, although not all have full-blown narcissistic personality disorder, an opinion shared by other notable experts like Patricia Evans (not related to Melanie ), and by many who blog bout their personal experience of abuse.

 

READING MATERIAL:

I’m not an Amazon affiliate so gain no remuneration from promoting Patricia’s work; Product Detailsbut in all conscience, I need to commend her books to you. Some are available for kindle for very little cost. She explains the dynamics at play in the minds and backgrounds of verbal abusers so profoundly that I believe her teachings offer you the greatest hope for understanding what has happened and why. You will finally stop blaming yourself. I recommend starting with ‘The Verbally Abusive Relationship‘, ‘The Verbally Abusive Man,’ and ‘Controlling People’. If you purchase these books and find them helpful, I’d appreciate your feedback. Contact me here.

 

HELP WITHIN THE BLOG COMMUNITY:

I have formed strong ties with fellow bloggers who write about abuse  and I urge you to visit their writings. Absorb what is there. Feel – perhaps for the first time – that you’re not alone. You have sisters and brothers all over the world, united by a common bond.

I owe a debt of gratitude to the writers of the following blogs, all precious souls:

  • Avalanche of the soul
  • Healing from Complex Trauma and PTSD/C PTSD
  • Let me Reach with Kim Saeed
  • The Walking Narcissists – The True Living Dead
  • Better Not Broken
  • Battered Wife Seeking Better Life
  • An Upturned Soul
  • Lucky Otter’s Museum of Narcissism
  • Army of Angels
  • CPTSD – A Way Out

 

PROFESSIONAL THERAPY:

Never be too shy to approach a qualified counselor. These trained therapists are there to validate your experience, listen to your story, help you develop strengths that rebuild your sense of self, and assist in your recovery. There is also guidance should you decide to leave your abuser and rebuild the optimistic future you so richly deserve. A future filled with love and light.

For a word of caution on traditional couples’ counseling however, please visit my post, ‘Why Couples’ Counseling Doesn’t Work.’

Not long ago, I contemplated my future and longed for death. Today, I long for morning to come so that I might seize the day… again…and again. I’ve been where you are, and I am an ordinary human being. Nothing special. That means you too, have hope for an exuberant future. You are NOT alone.

 

If you have any questions or feedback, or are confused about what to do next, please contact me here:

Compassion and confidentiality are assured.

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He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

16 Monday Feb 2015

Posted by Melinda Jensen in Abuse, Boundaries, Controlling People, Divorce, Emotional abuse, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Psychopathology, Relationship breakdown, Relationships, Spirituality, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

Abuse, abusive relationships, Counseling, Divorce, Domestic Violence, Emotional Abuse, Emotional and Psychological Abuse, Emotional and verbal abuse, Marriage Counseling, Narcissism, narcissistic abuse, Psychology, Psychopathology, psychopaths, Rage-a-holics

multicoloured flower

A hundred shades of rage. Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net/Phisekit

Every abuse victim is intimately familiar with this phenomenon. One minute you’re on cloud nine, certain your relationship is on the mend, and swept off your feet (again) with words of adulation, undying love and devotion. He’ll buy you whatever you want, wine you, dine you, and soften you with gentle, sweet words of love and appreciation…but just when you think it’s safe to come out from under that protective shell of yours, the wining and dining turns to maligning. You are being abused yet again. The abuse cycle continues, ad infinitum.

And the switch will be shockingly sudden, brutal and devastating. This morning you were his ‘forever love’. This afternoon, you’re ‘a f…ing psycho’. And somewhere in the midst of this tirade your mind starts to bend. It’s bending to his will. It’s exactly where he wants this conversation to go.

But why? That’s the question on everyone’s lips. My first (and probably final) reaction is to say, ‘Who cares!’ No excuse is good enough, no delving into his past and uncovering his childhood issues will ever convince me he’s not doing this deliberately. It is utterly C-O-N-S-C-I-O-U-S. He is completely aware of what he is doing to you. That’s why he keeps doing it. It gives him a thrill to hurt you. Research shows that when the average person is angry…when they are arguing and yelling…their blood pressure and heart rate go up. That’s because it’s stressful for us average Joes and Joannas. Not so for your consummate abuser. For him or her, shouting at and intimidating another human being results in a blood-pressure and heart-rate drop. That’s right. It feels good. It calms them down. They’re in control again.

And control is what it’s all about.

That’s why he can peacefully put his head on the pillow beside you…and sleep so soundly…while you cannot. You toss…and turn…and agonize.

Don’t judge him by your own yardstick. The ‘raging’ is his elixir – the potion that feeds the Mr Hyde that ever lurks within him. A friend of mine described her abuser as ‘bipolar’. I understand why she feels this way – the sudden switch from one persona to another smacks of real mental illness. But her abuser has no such illness. His cognitive functioning is fine and dandy. He may be narcissistic in the extreme, or even a full-blown psychopath, but these are not true mental disorders. They are disorders of choice. They are diseases of the soul. The labels may appear in the DSM (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual used by psychiatrists and psychologists worldwide), but those who’ve studied the history behind the DSM understand that its main author was likely a narcissist himself. There’s a whole separate post to be written on that topic. I won’t address it here.

Someone who is Bipolar or Schizophrenic wants to get well. They want treatment. Not so the flawed being with high narcissistic traits. He doesn’t perceive his flaws at all. He’s enjoying the experience; the power trip. Why would he want to change? He doesn’t want to get better because he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with him. He’s too perfect for that.

Not everyone who engages in abuse fits into this category, but the proportion seems to be disturbingly high. There are those who can be enlightened by education, and those who cannot. There are those caught in the web of their own ignorance, their difficult pasts, and their erroneous thinking. There is hope for such as these. They react from their own pain. They get angry and express their anger abusively over issues that seem real to them. There will be triggers, associated with their own painful pasts…but there will not be the random, cold-blooded ‘switch’ from love to hate.

We need to know the difference.

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