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Help for abuse victims

12 Sunday Apr 2015

Posted by in Abuse, Emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from emotional abuse, help for abuse victims, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Recovery from abuse, Relationship breakdown, Relationships, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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Depressed and stressed woman

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net/artur84

Abuse victims share a myriad experiences. One of the most insidious is isolation – from friends, family, interest groups, churches and sometimes, even from social media. Nothing is surer than that your abusive partner has alienated you emotionally from himself, the only person left to lean on. Abuse victims who have nowhere to turn for help are at high risk for substance abuse (to dull the pain), severe depression and other mental illnesses – even the ultimate escape – suicide.

Abuse, whether physical, psychological, emotional or verbal, invariably shatters your self-belief. You no longer trust your own thoughts, feelings and perceptions. This completes the feeling of desolation. You believe no one cares, and if they did, what could they do? If you’re reading this and silently asking, ‘Is there help for abuse victims? Is there help for me?‘ – I want to assure you, you are not alone. There are people who care deeply.

 

ABUSE RECOVERY PROGRAMS:

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program by Melanie Tonia Evans

The internet is awash with information, support and resources from fellow sufferers, as well as from experts in the field. I’ve mentioned Melanie Tonia Evans’ abuse recovery program in previous posts and it remains, in my mind, one of the most powerful resources for healing from narcissistic abuse. The author has personally experienced abuse at the hands of ex partners and is now, as a therapist herself, a recognized expert in the field. She examines the dynamics of abuse from a holistic perspective, looking at every aspect of your being; physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. The added spiritual dimension sets her work apart  and is the reason I latched onto her website like a life-raft. Her program takes considerable emotional work, and may cause you some pain, but it’s the path to freedom. You can find her Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program here.

Melanie maintains that abusers share narcissistic traits, although not all have full-blown narcissistic personality disorder, an opinion shared by other notable experts like Patricia Evans (not related to Melanie ), and by many who blog bout their personal experience of abuse.

 

READING MATERIAL:

I’m not an Amazon affiliate so gain no remuneration from promoting Patricia’s work; Product Detailsbut in all conscience, I need to commend her books to you. Some are available for kindle for very little cost. She explains the dynamics at play in the minds and backgrounds of verbal abusers so profoundly that I believe her teachings offer you the greatest hope for understanding what has happened and why. You will finally stop blaming yourself. I recommend starting with ‘The Verbally Abusive Relationship‘, ‘The Verbally Abusive Man,’ and ‘Controlling People’. If you purchase these books and find them helpful, I’d appreciate your feedback. Contact me here.

 

HELP WITHIN THE BLOG COMMUNITY:

I have formed strong ties with fellow bloggers who write about abuse  and I urge you to visit their writings. Absorb what is there. Feel – perhaps for the first time – that you’re not alone. You have sisters and brothers all over the world, united by a common bond.

I owe a debt of gratitude to the writers of the following blogs, all precious souls:

 

PROFESSIONAL THERAPY:

Never be too shy to approach a qualified counselor. These trained therapists are there to validate your experience, listen to your story, help you develop strengths that rebuild your sense of self, and assist in your recovery. There is also guidance should you decide to leave your abuser and rebuild the optimistic future you so richly deserve. A future filled with love and light.

For a word of caution on traditional couples’ counseling however, please visit my post, ‘Why Couples’ Counseling Doesn’t Work.’

Not long ago, I contemplated my future and longed for death. Today, I long for morning to come so that I might seize the day… again…and again. I’ve been where you are, and I am an ordinary human being. Nothing special. That means you too, have hope for an exuberant future. You are NOT alone.

 

If you have any questions or feedback, or are confused about what to do next, please contact me here:

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Compassion and confidentiality are assured.

Recovery from Abuse: Be the tortoise and not the hare

25 Wednesday Mar 2015

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Comic image of the tortoise and the hare

Be the tortoise: Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net/digitalart

It’s been over 18 months now since I’ve been removed from an emotionally, psychologically and verbally abusive marriage; and I now inhabit a much happier and more peaceful personal space. Where once I would have crawled over cut glass to be reconciled with my ex-husband, I would now run over it in the opposite direction should he ever raise the possibility of rekindling our relationship. My answer would be an emphatic and very loud ‘No!’ – the word victims of abuse need to become very, very comfortable with.

I’ve received some mild criticism lately from a couple of friends who believe I’m dwelling on the past and not ‘letting go’ by continuing to blog on the topic of abuse after so much time has passed. I should ‘move on’, they say.

The truth is I have moved on. In the early days following my separation, writing about the pain was cathartic and helped me to heal, but it also put me in touch with a number of people in the blogging community whose words of wisdom and insight, gleaned from their personal experience at the hands of abusive partners, broadened my knowledge of the dynamics at play in virtually every abusive relationship. For me, knowledge is power, and the ability to understand how this had happened to me – when I considered myself reasonably stable, intelligent and independent – was the biggest key to finding myself again. For that reason I continue to tell my story and reach out to others who are still hurting. I humbly hope that someone, somewhere, will have an ‘aha!’ moment; that something within my writing can help them understand and forgive themselves; and to slowly but surely rebuild their lives.

It is a long, slow process; one that mustn’t be rushed. Trying to be stoic and rushing towards the finish line ie total recovery from abuse, will exhaust you long before you’re ready to embrace your new life of freedom. Like the hare from Aesop’s old fable, ‘The Tortoise and the Hare’, you’ll find yourself asleep at several points along the way, while unexpected events happen that ensure you never reach the finish line in time to claim a true victory. You will be ambushed by painful emotions triggered by events beyond your control. And you’ll find yourself dragged straight back down the rabbit hole – that desperate, crazy place that makes you doubt your sanity all over again.

And so I write…though not often enough these days. Some people affectionately say I ‘meander’ through life. One of my daughters insist I warp the space-time continuum…that I seem to take so much longer to do things than most people, yet when she checks her watch,

time seems to have stood still. 🙂

Perhaps I have ‘become’ the tortoise. I hope to meet you at the finish line.

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

16 Monday Feb 2015

Posted by in Abuse, Boundaries, Controlling People, Divorce, Emotional abuse, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Psychopathology, Relationship breakdown, Relationships, Spirituality, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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multicoloured flower

A hundred shades of rage. Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net/Phisekit

Every abuse victim is intimately familiar with this phenomenon. One minute you’re on cloud nine, certain your relationship is on the mend, and swept off your feet (again) with words of adulation, undying love and devotion. He’ll buy you whatever you want, wine you, dine you, and soften you with gentle, sweet words of love and appreciation…but just when you think it’s safe to come out from under that protective shell of yours, the wining and dining turns to maligning. You are being abused yet again. The abuse cycle continues, ad infinitum.

And the switch will be shockingly sudden, brutal and devastating. This morning you were his ‘forever love’. This afternoon, you’re ‘a f…ing psycho’. And somewhere in the midst of this tirade your mind starts to bend. It’s bending to his will. It’s exactly where he wants this conversation to go.

But why? That’s the question on everyone’s lips. My first (and probably final) reaction is to say, ‘Who cares!’ No excuse is good enough, no delving into his past and uncovering his childhood issues will ever convince me he’s not doing this deliberately. It is utterly C-O-N-S-C-I-O-U-S. He is completely aware of what he is doing to you. That’s why he keeps doing it. It gives him a thrill to hurt you. Research shows that when the average person is angry…when they are arguing and yelling…their blood pressure and heart rate go up. That’s because it’s stressful for us average Joes and Joannas. Not so for your consummate abuser. For him or her, shouting at and intimidating another human being results in a blood-pressure and heart-rate drop. That’s right. It feels good. It calms them down. They’re in control again.

And control is what it’s all about.

That’s why he can peacefully put his head on the pillow beside you…and sleep so soundly…while you cannot. You toss…and turn…and agonize.

Don’t judge him by your own yardstick. The ‘raging’ is his elixir – the potion that feeds the Mr Hyde that ever lurks within him. A friend of mine described her abuser as ‘bipolar’. I understand why she feels this way – the sudden switch from one persona to another smacks of real mental illness. But her abuser has no such illness. His cognitive functioning is fine and dandy. He may be narcissistic in the extreme, or even a full-blown psychopath, but these are not true mental disorders. They are disorders of choice. They are diseases of the soul. The labels may appear in the DSM (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual used by psychiatrists and psychologists worldwide), but those who’ve studied the history behind the DSM understand that its main author was likely a narcissist himself. There’s a whole separate post to be written on that topic. I won’t address it here.

Someone who is Bipolar or Schizophrenic wants to get well. They want treatment. Not so the flawed being with high narcissistic traits. He doesn’t perceive his flaws at all. He’s enjoying the experience; the power trip. Why would he want to change? He doesn’t want to get better because he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with him. He’s too perfect for that.

Not everyone who engages in abuse fits into this category, but the proportion seems to be disturbingly high. There are those who can be enlightened by education, and those who cannot. There are those caught in the web of their own ignorance, their difficult pasts, and their erroneous thinking. There is hope for such as these. They react from their own pain. They get angry and express their anger abusively over issues that seem real to them. There will be triggers, associated with their own painful pasts…but there will not be the random, cold-blooded ‘switch’ from love to hate.

We need to know the difference.

Why does it take so long to get over a pathological partner?

20 Monday Oct 2014

Posted by in Abuse, Controlling People, Divorce, Emotional abuse, Narcissistic abuse, Psychological abuse, Psychology, Psychopathology, Relationship breakdown, Relationships, Uncategorized, Verbal abuse

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I’ve been fairly quiet online for a few weeks as I’m in the middle of very stressful legal proceedings. Attempting to sort out property settlement issues with a narcissist is a nightmare beyond your wildest imagination. Lies, manipulation, character assassination – check! Trying to fleece you of your entitlement – check! Blame and false accusations – too easy! I hope we’re now on the home strait so I can devolve myself of this cloying and still destructive relationship. The need to put it behind me is strong; in fact, so strong that I almost caved under the pressure to accept a very unfair settlement figure, just to rid my life (and soul) of the stress and uncertainty. However, that would be playing into his hands one final time – my curtain call as a doormat – and is, most assuredly, exactly what he wants.

I’ll keep you posted. From those of you who pray, I humbly ask for your prayers at this time. I keep many of you in my own prayers also as I read your blogs and contemplate the heartbreaking experiences you’ve been through, or are still going through. So many of you inspire and sustain me.

However, that’s not really what I started out to say today. As the title of this post suggests, it’s about why it takes so long to get over a pathological relationship. For me, it’s been a year since separation and I’m still caught in the web of lies, the vortex of confusion and the revisiting of self-doubt. I came across this excellent article on another site called Psychopath Free and wanted to share it with you all. The writer, who identifies as ‘Peace’ on the site forum, expresses the dynamics at play with clarity and compassion, and I found myself relating far too easily. To know that one is not alone, to experience that validation, is such an intrinsic part of our healing.

The article by ‘Peace’ follows: Continue reading →

Tearing down the bricks and mortar

03 Sunday Aug 2014

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Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net/Simon Howden

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net/Simon Howden

One of the greatest keys to my healing from abuse has been the search for knowledge and comprehension. The more I understand the dynamics of what happened, the more I am able to let go of the self-blame, the sense of loss and the accompanying chaos and confusion.

This morning I read an excellent post by Army of Angels, a blog I follow and have learned much from. The writer used ‘Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs’ to outline the process via which the strong ‘self’ she’d developed over the years was systematically deconstructed by her abuser, leaving her at the bottom rung of the psychological ladder. Using her template, I’ve followed the events that led me personally to that same point.

Full credit must go to Army of Angels for bringing to my attention such an insightful healing tool and I encourage you all to follow her example. The original post can be found here: http://armyofangels2013.wordpress.com/2014/08/03/narcissistic-abuse/

For those of you who aren’t familiar with Maslow’s theory, it basically states that as part of our development, each human being must pass through a series of stages that reflect a set of needs that must be met before we are able to move onto the next stage. He suggests that if our needs for a particular stage cannot be met to an optimum degree, we will be unable to move forward with the process of psychological maturity. We will become stuck. To put it in layman’s terms, a person who is consumed by hunger and lack of adequate shelter cannot even think about his self-esteem needs (confidence, self-esteem, achievement, respect by and for others).

My abuser systematically destroyed me (temporarily) in the following, chilling manner. Continue reading →

A word on Rage

17 Thursday Jul 2014

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Rage

Rage is a normal response to abuse. It is an appropriate response to being deprived of the liberty to act from one’s own reality, to live by one’s own standards and values, and to being silenced.

My ex-husband recently sent me an email in which he states that, even after 10 months of separation, during which time I’ve been essentially homeless, he does not want me to return to the property. For first time visitors to my blog, the brief story is that there are two dwellings on our rural block, both fully self-contained and separate. I wish, and have wished from the beginning, to reside quietly in the second dwelling until we’re able to sell the property and move on. I am well within my rights to do so, and anyone who knows me also knows I’m perfectly capable of going about my business in a peaceful manner. The property market is extremely slow right now and it may take another year, or perhaps longer to sell such a lifestyle block.

But my husband has banished me, expecting me to continue this itinerant style of living indefinitely, despite my debilitating health condition. His reason? My rage. He states he and his family don’t need the inconvenience of having me around, since I have, on occasion, been very, very angry. He goes on to smoothly say that he understands now that my rage comes from past childhood abuse, exacerbated by my physical illness, and he has much compassion for me. Sounds sweet, doesn’t it? If only it were true. Continue reading →

The hardest word

12 Saturday Jul 2014

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Too afraid to say no.

Too afraid to say ‘no’. Image courtesy of Andy Newson/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

According to Elton John, ‘sorry seems to be the hardest word’. But for some of us, sorry is consummately easy to say and to feel. We’re often not even to blame, yet others seek to lay the blame squarely and unfairly on our shoulders to avoid admitting their own culpability. We’ve been trained to say sorry with the precision of an army drill by people whose methods make a drill sergeant look tame. ‘Sorry’ is easy. ‘No’ is virtually impossible.

Why? Because we’ve also been trained that to say ‘no’ is to have punishment after punishment heaped upon us by those who have chosen us as targets for their abuse. Right from the beginning of my marriage it was made clear that my differences were not to be tolerated, my preferences not to be listened to, and if I attempted to exert my right to have equal input into family decisions or the running of the household, I would be accused of trying to make their lives a misery; of holding standards that were too difficult to attain; and of actively wanting to harm them. The last accusation was a clear case of projection – an abuser will always try to convince you you’re the controller; that you are in fact, the abusive one. Continue reading →

Abuse and Post Traumatic Stress

07 Monday Jul 2014

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From FreeDigitalPhotos.net/ Idea Go

From FreeDigitalPhotos.net/
Idea Go

Post Traumatic Stress is far from an unusual experience for those of us who have been through significant and protracted abuse. It seems to matter little whether the abuse was physical, or emotional/psychological, or a mixture of both. Psychic trauma is every bit as devastating as physical trauma, and for those who have experienced both, the effects of the former often outlast and outweigh the effects of the latter. Recovery is laborious when you’ve been at war with a phantom; a poltergeist that wrecked your world while no one else watched. Yet there is scant recognition of this very real phenomenon experienced by targets of verbal and emotional abuse, even among psychologists and counselors with years of experience under their belts.

Let’s take a brief look at Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which can develop following any traumatic event or series of events that threatens your safety or makes you feel helpless. If these events are unpredictable and not under your control, as happens when you live with an abuser, you will also experience the loss of hope. It may take months or years to develop into full-blown PTSD, particularly if the abuse is covert, ie not physical, and escalates over time. (And abuse always get worse over time.) Continue reading →